Saturday, December 24, 2011

high standards.

I hate myself. My body, how I look. Just everything.

But the funny thing is, I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty good looking. I mean, I'm not just insanely sexy or anything like that, but I look kinda unique, and I'm told on a regular basis that I could model, besides the fact that I'm too heavy and my skin sucksss.

And I think it's that standard that constantly makes me unsatisfied with myself. Like, normal people don't sit there and be like I'm not gonna be happy until I look like a model. But since I'm told that the potential is there, I'm never gonna be happy with anything less than that. Who wouldn't want to be a model??? I would love it, it's not like I have any idea what I'm doing with my life anyway.

also, I had a slight confidence booster today, I bought a diet mountain dew at a gas station tonight and after I left the (pretty good looking) guy working there ran down the street after me to ask for my number. do boys know how much better they can make you feel about yourself????

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Alcohol i love/hate you

I didn't eat all day, and then i had a drink and a couple shots, felt it wayyyyy more than I was expecting--i forgot that I hadn't eaten in 2 days....

anyway i ended up eating chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonalds

I"M SO MAD (and kinda drunk still)

I just want to fast for so long. Why can I not control myself for like more than a couple days. If I could just stop eating for a little bit I would love my fucking life.

I hung out with some pretty cool people though.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Everything is not how it seems

So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.

So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.

She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.

So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.

And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.

She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.

I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.

The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.

You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?

It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.


Sunday, December 18, 2011


So the past 2 days I haven't been eating much at all, like maybe 200 cals a day, which contributed to me being 161.2 this 7 pounds loss in 2 days. Which makes me soooo happy!! But then I was kinda forced to eat dinner today (pork, mashed potatoes and carrots) and also this giant ass cookie. soo idk how many calories that is. For sure less than how many I need a day but I'm still worried I'm gonna gain weight.

My parents also sprung on me that we're going to my aunts house on friday and saturday and my grandma's on sunday and then a whole day car ride home on monday....which is like 10 days I'm not gonna be able to get away with not eating much. I'm gonna be careful about what I eat, but I doubt I'll be able to get too much under 1000 a day. And since I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible before I got to school I'm planning on fasting or mostly fasting until friday and then again after monday.

I NEED TO BE UNDER 150 at the most by the time I go back to school. I would love to be even smaller. Like 140...I would be enthralled by my awesomeness.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Excited for Break!!

Okay so I'm not even in school this semester or working or any shit, so this Christmas break will be like any other day for me, the only difference being, all of my friends are home from school!!! I'm so effing excited.

Also, I know my last post sounded like I was a little mad/sad/idk what but I'm really not. I really think my life is looking up. I made up with 2 of my friends I hadn't been on speaking terms with for 4 and 7 months. One of them was the reason I joined my sorority too, so I took her coming to me and apologizing a sign that I should try to reinstate in my sorority, so I sent a letter to nationals asking them to reinstate my. I need a unanimous decision from the national council to get back in, so I'm super nervous, but it's out of my hands now.

Also today I weight 165.4, which is a huge difference from yesterday and idk how that works but I'm not gonna complain, any loss is good :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

New highest weight?

Okay so I just built up the courage to weigh myself....168.4

SERIOUSLY!? 2 years ago I wanted to die because I weighed myself out of nowhere one time and I was 140.

When I was 16 I was horrified to be 126

When I was 15 I was shorter, like 5'5 but my summer goal was to go from 112 to 105

Before that I never had a scale (my mom was worried we would develop eating disorders, ha) but there were always goals.

Size 0 jeans were baggy on my waist and tight on my legs, I hated my body.

At gymnastics I would walk by the mirrors and want to see my ribs through my leo, I did, but that didn't make up for my huge legs.

I was thin and muscular, but there was still fat, and because my muscles made me bigger anyway, no amount of fat was acceptable.

I made myself throw up my food for the first time when I was 9 years old because my mom complimented my sisters muscles. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. It just made me so upset that I was nauseous and I threw up. I mostly gave up purging by the time I was 14, although I still do from time to time if I get really upset, it's not usually about the food itself. But from there I found calories. And it became a game to see how few I could eat and how many I could burn. And then eventually I would just fall out of the habit and somehow convince myself that I'm happy with my body. I never have, I'm just more and more disgusted.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Obviously, I'm never successful, and ultimately just end up gaining more weight (and it's not because my metabolism is messed or anything, I seriously eat so much when I'm not dieting, I have such an all or nothing mindset). But I think I just need to focus on making the most out of everything. With my goal being to do better today than I did yesterday. If I slip up, I can't throw everything away with a binge. I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

So I saw this picture on pinterest (obsessed btw) today and just, omg. That girl is perfect. I think she is just perfectly tan and I love her hair color and she is so thin!!

So basically this dumb (perfect) bitch just reminded myself of how I have not been taking care of myself lately. Seriously I'm probably pushing 165-170 which is the brink of overweight, my hair looks bad, my teeth are gross, I'm sooo pale, I NEVER work out.

So I start freaking out and counting down the days until I have to go back to school...and it's only 30 days!!! I hate myself for not doing anything to lose weight at all since like this summer. Idk what I have been thinking, omg.

So I suck at making plans of what to eat. Everytime I make some sort of plan I totally fail. So I'm gonna focus on the other things and hopefully by focusing on my appearance so much, I'll be able to stay on track with eating.

So everyday I'm gonna do
-teeth whitening 2x
-butt workouts 2x
-go tanning..I know it's bad, I don't care.
-actual cardio for 60+mins
-deep condition my hair
-take my vitamins (because they really do help my skin)

And I'm just gonna try to fast and restrict as much as possible.

Idk, I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of help to stay on track though. I'll probs check blogs every spare second I have lol which is good because I've been sooo bad lately.

I am just so disgusted with myself right now :(

Monday, December 5, 2011

My most obvious weakness:)

Oh my. Everything about this weekend was so intoxicated!!

Friday night I had a couple of glasses of wine before heading over to my old second home, the fratcastle of lambda chi for their legendary everclear tea. It's like everclear infused with fruit, it is sooo good, it tastes kinda alcohol-y, but not that much. After 6 solo cups of that, the rest of the night was a blur. But it included a lot of dancing, heart-to-hearts, and party hopping. I lost all of my besties but ended up with people I know, and finally sharing a bed in a dorm with this freshman girl who I want to join my (old) sorority soooo badly. She's totes adorbs!

Saturday night I drank a bottle and a half of champagne while playing drinking games at KA, before moving onto enough redbull and vodkas to blow through half a fifth of vodka while dancing at beta sig, and eventually drinking ATLEAST 10 mixed drinks at lambda chi. Although those 10 were spread out between the hours of 1am and 8am. Yep, stayed up drinking all night. We went outside for a smoke break and boom! all of the sudden it's light out. What theee hell!?

The best part? As drunk as I was, I did zero stupid things! No crying, no starting fights, no sluttiness, no drugs, no shit talking. Just perfect happy, talkative drunks both nights. Brilliant.

The bad part would be that all those drinks were probs like 23506892394 calories. I'm really really getting big. I'm afraid to weigh myself but I know I've gained a lot of weight. Blechhh.

Oh yeah, it was christmas party weekend. This is about halfway through my tea lol

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Just me and my sister...

first of all, I'm finally home from my grandmas house annnd I'm sorry for not posting and commenting in forever.

But here's what's on my mind right now.

I have a younger sister, she's 17, less than 2 years younger than me, and probs my best friend. We are seriously the closest sisters I've ever seen in my life. We do everything together and get along crazyyyy well.

We have similar personalities, but there are some big differences. We're both outgoing but Alex is in a more goofy and hyper way, while I'm more chill and talkative.

Okay I was gonna name more things but I really can't now that I think of it. We're pretty much the same person except...idk how to say it.

Sometimes my sister is really...fake? She lovesss attention. And I don't blame her, I'm the same way. But she likes attention over things that aren't true a lot of the time. She's smoked weed like 3 times in her life and she likes people to think she's a stoner. She's drank like 5 times maybe and tweets about drinking every 2 seconds. She has never even kissed a guy but loves that she has a "slutty" reputation. And I know she's in high school and you want people to think you're badass or whatever then, but it is sooooooo annoying!!

ahh okay sorry about that rant. Now for the real rant.

My sister is seriously gorgeous. For realll just sooooo pretty. And she's about 5'7 and 115 pounds without even trying. But that's not even the worst part. Worst thing about all of this is, we look practically exactly the same. Except I'm fatter. I actually probs have the better body type, but I've never been able to actually show it because I'm such a fatass. Well, she also has perfff skin. Ughhh I just hate it sooo much!!!

But whatevs, I still love my little sister to death.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I'm in a hotel in St. Louis.

I'm taking a train to Chicago tomorrow, I'll be there for like 6 hours, and then I'm taking a train to Michigan.

My grandma just had major surgery so I'm going to help her out around the house for awhile...I'll make an actual post soon, promise!!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I need opinions!!

One year ago today I took part in probably the most influential event of my life so far (and possibly ever). I was initiated into my sorority.

I tried writing something about what my sorority means to me, and it just turned into a whole Greek life thing and it was a bunch of rambling. I will make a post in defense of Greek Life eventually, I just need some time to get it right.

I got very emotional while writing it, because I am no longer a member of my sorority (because I'm not a full time student at the moment), but I plan on trying to reinstate next semester. I'm trying to not get my hopes up though because reinstatement is a very tricky process that starts all the way at the national level. I will be heartbroken if I'm never reinstated but I will forever be thankful for getting to experience one year (and all of the rituals included in that year) of Greek life.


I'm kind of curious, what are all of your opinions on Greek life?? I'm trying to get my parents to understand why it has been such an important part of my life, so I guess I need some advice from some people who can honestly tell me how they feel about sororities and fraternities from the outside. All of my friends kind of sugar coat things, I think, in order to not hurt my feelings. But I would love to hear what you think about it, the good, the bad, and the ugly :)

Anyway, please comment and let me know what you think, this means a lot to me :)

cramps and earthquakes

Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Yes. I aim to work out every-damn-day. But that doesn't always today....

So I woke up this morning, took like 5 steps out of bed and got this weird cramp in my calf that like knocked the wind out of me but only lasted like 5 seconds. A couple steps later and it happens again. And it happened all motherfucking day. I could not walk across a room without getting one. Like it is still happening.

I do have really bad problems with getting calf cramps in my sleep, I got really bad ones about once a week from the time I was 15 til sometime last year. And when I say bad, I mean baddd. Like, jolted awake in immense pain, instantly covered in sweat, screaming/crying for 5-10 minutes while my calf felt like a fucking rock. Eventually I could massage/stretch it enough for it to relax a little and the pain to subside slightly, but then I could never sleep afterwards. I was soooo scared it would just happen again if I fell asleep. And then the next day my calf would be so sore I had to limp around. I looked so pathetic.

I could never find any correlation between the cramps and workouts, or changes in my diet (like too much salt messing up the NA/K exchange??) But I just started drinking powerade zero all the time and now I don't get them as much, guess it was an electrolyte problem.

But anyway, that has nothing to do with this because while these cramps were in my calves, they were completely different from those. They were just little sharp pains that would not go away. They almost felt like shocks sometimes. I was constantly drinking powerade, I took a warm bath, I even ate a banana (hate those things ughh) nothing helped. I am for real going crazy.

I have been having problems with my heel on that side of my body and my parents are worried I have plantar fasciitis, which my dad had/has, and I guess it can affect my achilles, calf, and hammy on that side.

I'm just pissed I didn't get to workout today.

Oh and the craziest thing happened earlier!! I was sitting on my bed, when all of a sudden I felt like my bed was shaking and swear I see my mirror moving back and forth a little bit. So I limp downstairs and go "did anyone else just feel that!? MY BED WAS SHAKING!" Everyone just looked at me like I'm crazy. My mom legitimately checked to see if my pupils were dialated.

So I google this shit, and THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE IN OKLAHOMA AT AROUND THE SAME TIME I FELT THE SHAKING!!!! But I was still thinking I was crazy because, while oklahoma borders missouri, it's still forever away. But then I checked facebook and a few people had statuses about feeling an earthquake, or not feeling an apparently it could be felt all the way out here

I'm not crazy!!!!

okay, maybe I am.

Friday, November 4, 2011

If you don't like something change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.

Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
I'm actually trying not to count calories right now. I'm aware of them and making choices based on that, but not counting every single little bite. I would say I probably aim for somewhere around 1000 calories a day. That being said, I'm trying to make myself stonger, so if my body is telling me I need to eat more, I'm going to eat more.

Okay soooo I'm about to rant about something that bothers me a lot. A lot a lot a lot. UGH!

Girls with huge boobs. OMG.

I was on facebook today, totally creeping on everyone's halloween pictures and one thing I noticed, the uglier/fatter the girls were, the more their boobs were displayed. Like seriously?? I'm not saying you shouldn't dress as a slut for halloween. I'm honestly pro-slut on halloween. And I would totally dress like a slut....IF I HAD THE BODY FOR IT. And I don't think having huge boobs entitles you to having "that body". Okay and I'm gonna post the picture that made me the most furious, and I'm gonna take it down in like a day, cuz I'd hate for this girl to find this somehow or something lol

I think we all know what girl I'm talking about...

And honestly, I'm not trying to offend anyone who actually does have big boobs, most of my hate is out of jealousy, promise. But I shouldn't have to feel like less of a woman because I'm "Barely a B". And there is nothing I can do about that! Saying someone isn't hot because they don't have a great chest is like saying someone isn't hot because their face is fucked up.

For the longest time I thought I would for sure get a boob job as soon as I graduated college. Not even so I would have a huge rack, just to be "normal".

But guess what, I'm sick of hating on myself. I may barely have a chest, but I have a great ass, and the bluest eyes I have ever seen. Boom. Sexxxy. Don't hate things you can't change.

This girl is super hot, and flat chested!!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

1100+ calories burned...ughhhhhh

I'm doing sooo much better today. I got a nice 90 min long cardio workout in and I honestly believe that works wonders on my mood. Working out always makes me so much calmer and logical. Which is funny because I am the exact opposite way while I'm working out. And it's not a complete work out without some extremely pissed off music playing, Nicki Minaj is for real rocking my running world recently.

I've also had less than 300 calories today sooo I'm not really too worried about my intake at the moment.

I just keep reminding myself this....

Anyway, Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Ummmm. Idk? I feel like this is a dumb question. I want to be happy and confident with the way I look. Once less thing to worry about.

And now I'm gonna feel like a complete dumb ass and ask....HOW DO YOU MAKE LINKS ON HERE!!?? lol I'm computer retarded

I wanted to make a link to the 60 day challenge page but I really just don't know how lol here's the url thoughh

Gawddd I'm so tired from working out. And bored. I wish my life was more exciting so I could actually entertain people by writing about it lol

question: does anyone want to follow me on twitter?? cuz I want to follow you lol

Stupid Girl Post

The truth about confusing boy is I really did like him.

ughhhhhh. I just wouldn't admit that to myself because I don't like guys very often. Like seriously, I have a lot of friends who constantly have a new crush or whatever and I just don't. I meet guys a lot and think ohhh he has potential, but I really know that I don't really like him. And then every now and then I meet a guy and wham! I know I like him from the start.

It's not like I have high standards or anything, most of my friends would say the opposite. It's just I know what I like.

But liking a guy never ends well, so I tried so so so hard to forget about this one and that just didn't work.

Then tonight he texts me apologizing, saying that I'm a great girl, he likes me a lot, I'm a ton of fun, and really nice but we were so off and on that he didn't know what was going on, didn't know what to think about it....and he didn't know what he wanted...and really this all just happened at a bad time...he wasn't trying to use me....and he honestly feels soooo sorry about it all.

Was I his confusing girl??

Whatever, either way, he had to choose between me and another girl and he chose her.

Rejected, end of story.

People always call me chill. cool. laid back. easy going. That's who I am, really.

But tonight I just want to be a dramatic girl who cries over a guy she never had and shit talk the girl he's with now. Is that okay??

he hopes we can still be friends??

Yeah def crying right now. I hate this.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm gonna save today and make it the first day of the rest of my life :)

Seriously, I woke up and ate 10 oreos...whyyyyy????

So I do that and then I'm like well I failed today, no work out now, I'll eat whatever I want.

But I ALWAYS do this. If I would have just stopped this forever ago I would already be loving my body. So I'm done with this. I'm going to the gym. I'm fasting for the rest of the day. I'm going to change.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'm also gonna start the 60 day challenge to keep me on track a little bit.

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days?
I'm 5'9", 164 pounds and I hope to weight 135 pounds by the end of 60 day, I know that's unrealistic, but I'm aiming high lol

And for the weekly challenge, I'm giving up chocolate. I am literally addicted and I always effing binge on it. FUCK YOU CHOCOLATE.

Speaking of things that should fuck themselves, apparently confusing boy was "exclusive" with the girl he's now facebook official with for a month now. That would be like everytime we hung out other than when we first met. Next time I see him he will be getting a crazy death stare from me lol.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I am disgusting

Okay so I took pictures of myself this morning, and I'm really really really gross looking. Scratch that being healthy thing, I really just want to lose weight.

I can't bring myself to post the pictures until I have something better to compare them to, but I promise that will be soon. I weighed myself this morning and I was 163, but I've been eating and drinking all day almost. Candy and alcohol, exactly what I need.

I think I'm gonna start trying to eat like 800-1000 (healthy) calories a day, with occasional fasts. No more drinking for awhile. And I plan on doing 2 cardio workouts a day. I NEED to lose this fat before I go back to school. There is literally nothing appealing about me right now, it's sooo disgusting. Girls like me can't look like shit. I have got to get myself together.

Sunday, October 30, 2011


"omg skype NOW! and check your facebook."

That's the text I woke up to. So I rolled over, opened my laptop, immediately get a video call from my best friend and pull up my facebook.

Guess who's all of a sudden in a facebook official relationship! Confusing boy. WTF. AND the comments on his changed relationship status are like "finally" "it's about time" WTF x2

So I guess this is why he's been so confusing lol I'm not really mad, even though I got like, totally played. I'm just like super confused (of course). I mean, he hung out with me literally all last weekend. I guarantee you he did not see this other girl once. And I know she was in town, I saw her....I used to party with this girl from time to time. And he's been blowing up my life with texts. Soooo like wtf happened there??

Whatevs, I'm over you confusing boy. You were barely taller than me anyways.

Okay sooo I was feeling a lot better today so I decided to get an eliptical work out in....I DIED. After 20 minutes. What the hell. My eliptical also said I burned 300+ less than 20 min??? I would seriously highly doubt this if I hadn't been completely fucking wiped out. I know my eliptical at my house is really different from the ones at the gym butttt idk this doesn't make any sense.

I also did a short work out at the soccer fields by my house. I also died then. I'm soooo out of shape. And I can barely do 10 pushups. How did I let myself get sooo fat?? Whatever, I have to start somewhere, and I'll only see improvement from here on out.

Things I think about at 3 am

- I'm really sorry if my comments sometimes suck. I'm seriously the worst advice giver ever. And I never have been able to deal with a cryer (not that you all are cryers lol) I hardly ever do hugs. I probs need to get in touch with my compassionate side.

-I'm still effing sick. I've been popping vitamin c like House pops vic, soo no gym again today. Luckily I'm basically on a soup/juice/water diet.

-I've kinda decided that confusing boy is...just that, fucking confusing. I don't really think it's going anywhere. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it, but it's a lot of effort for anything else to happen there...

- One way I know I've grown up? I totally fail at texting. Like, what's the point if you're not inviting me somewhere, telling me when we're meeting, or telling a totes vital piece of gossip. I CAN'T HAVE A TEXT CONVO ABOUT JUST WORTHLESS SHIT. It's lame and time consuming. That's probably why I'm done with confusing boy, too much texting and not enough hanging out. Maybe next semester when I'll actually see him more than like once every 2 weeks. But who knows.

- My best friend is a drunk ass fucking spoiled (fat) bitch. And a terrible influence on me. And everyone is getting really annoyed with her. But she's still my best friend. I would really prefer prettier friends, but ones I can talk shit to and drink with work too. But when I go back to school I'm gonna need to branch out, she's not ready to grow up.

- My other best friend tried to kill herself and dropped out of school. She took a bunch of pills, left our sorority house and went for a walk around this creepy ass town in the middle of the night. And who does she call crying? Me. I promise I'm not a heartless bitch, and I really did not mind at all listening to her cry and secretly texting someone who was closer than 90 min away from her to help. But really, whyyy me. Idk what to say! I never do! But I'm glad I know what's actually going on in her life, because she lied to everyone else about why she's leaving school and stuff. I really do love her and hope she can get through this.

-My little sister 5'6, 120 and looks like the tiniest person in the world. Which is making me think maybe I could be happy with being like 130 since I have a good 3 inches on her.

-I have 70 days until I start school again. CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.

Can I please look like this?????

Friday, October 28, 2011


I'm sick. I've been sleeping like 20 hours a day for the past 2 days. I'm starting to feel better though. I'm just gonna drink some juice and get more sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to actually leave my bed and workout.

Whyyy do I have to be sick for Halloween weekend?? Not like I would look good in costume anyway so it's probs for the best.

I will lose weight before I go back to school and look better than all the bitches who talk shit on me. End of Story.

Okay, sleepy time.

Oh yeah, STL Cardinals make me wanna vom.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I've been failing miserably at this whole being healthy thing. I've only been to the gym twice since I decided all of that.

I do kinda have an excuse though, I'm back in my college town this weekend. I went there Thursday night because I had a meeting with my department chair at the school on Friday morning. The meeting went well, and I'm pretty sure I'm officially going to be a student there starting in January.

Okay now, this weekend is mostly about confusing boy. I ran into him friday night right before the guys in his house were gonna go on a beer run. I convince them to buy my some vodka, go over to the house to pick it up, and just end up partying there all night. Blah blah blah party party party, I end up in confusing boys bed, we make out, cuddle and sleep. Nice night :)

SO saturday night there's a big party at another house and my friends made some bad decisions at confusing boy's house, so I'm sent to pick up our left over alcohol by myself. Confusing boy suggest we play a game of drinking south park before I head to the other party. Yeah sure, why not? It turns into like 5 games of drinking south park and we end up just staying in his room all night. And finally having sex. Well idk if it's finally since it's like the 5th time we've hung out...but it seems like a finally. And we banged for like ever, seriously. And then we cuddled and fell asleep. He's a really good cuddler. He texted me about an hour after I left that morning and we kept texting all day.

And then last night (Monday) I went over there and watched TV with him. And then I just left at like 2 am. And then we texted some flirty texts back and forth. And then I left town.

So really, idk what's going on there, and I'm still confused. So he's still gonna be called confusing boy lol. I tried really really hard not to like him, buuuuuttttt.

I also have a lot of girl drama going on in my life. And one of my best friends is in a really bad place. It just seems to be a lot of work to write all of that down. I think that's why I like having a guy (sorta) to distract me.

I don't like to check blogs while I'm at school because I'm always using someone else's computer and I feel like they'll notice or something...sooo I'll try catching up on everyone's posts today!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

New Design!! and New Me!

So I have totally 100% decided that I'm through with always wanting to starve myself and be (super)skinny. I've been obsessed with my weight since I was 8 years old and where has that gotten me? to 165 pounds. Wtf. Something doesn't make any sense there.

I've decided that I want to focus on what my body can do, not what it looks like. Of course I will be a lot happier if I lose weight, and I pretty much need to lose weight to do a lot of the things I want to do, but I no longer want to look dainty or a size 0. And I'm sorry if I'll lose some support/followers over this, I love you all, but if you decide to no longer follow me I don't really care.

Okay so here's what I do want:
-to be able to run a half marathon (eventually)
-in general, get into my old gymnastics shape
-and after that start doing CrossFit
-I want abs
-I want to be strong
-I want my flexibility back
-I want an amazing butt
-I want to eat healthy
-I want to treat my body with respect

I'll still be trying to lose weight for awhile here, so don't freak out guys. But don't expect daily calories in or out or anything like that. Hopefully I'll still be able to motivate you with workouts and healthy meals and such.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm not hungover and I wasn't the biggest drunk ass last night #successs

I'm not the same girl I used to be.

On friday my best friend from school surprised me and brought me back to school for the weekend. I had a really fun time, mostly because a lot of people were gone for the weekend and I was almost never at my old house or with girls from there who I'm not extremely close to.

On friday we went to lambda chi, and I was having a seriously amazing time. I used to hang out there all the time when I was dating alex, so I'm really close to a lot of the guys in the house and they're all just really chill all the time. When it got later and I got drunker I lost my friends and ended up in alex's room playing never have i ever with about 8 people. guys kept saying things that would obviously have pertained to mine and alex's relationship and we were just kinda joking around and being friends. The game died down and alex's fuck buddy showed up and this a KA was telling me i should go over there so we kinda went our separate ways. But this KA is the biggest douche in the world. I've probably mentioned him before, idk. We got in a fight and I ended up never leaving lambda chi's driveway. So go back in the house and just lay down on a couch and think I'll crash there cuz it's like 3am and i'm drunk. Well alex calls me after a bit to make sure i got somewhere and i'm just like no i'm downstairs could i maybe borrow a blanket from you? and he tells me just to sleep on the extra bed in his room. so i go up there and we're sitting on our separate beds just talking and having a good time (it felt like a slumber party or something). he somehow convinces me to sleep on his bed so i'll stay warmer..which was legit i was shivering so much i was shaking and he's supppper effing warm. so i fell asleep cuddling with him. and then i woke up idk how much later to him kissing my neck. and that led to us messing around.

okay so next day, confusing boy texts me and asks if i want to get something to eat with him and some guys in his house. and i'm like yeah sure. it ends up being just us, which is chill, probably less awkward for me because i don't really know too many guys in his house. I end up going to his house that night with 2 of my friends and just chilling there. another super chill party. confusing boy is hanging out with me a lot. we end up alone together a lot, mostly just outside looking for things such as my phone, purse, whatever the fuck else i lost when i decided to do cartwheels down the street. we got in a water fight using the water cups from the beer pong tables so i'm soaked and i go up to his room with him to get a sweatshirt and we just end up laying in his bed talking, arguing who's sleeping on the bed and who gets the couch. well, he kept saying i should take the bed but he just kept laying on it...which i was totally cool with lol. but then my friend called me crying and i had to deal with her drama for like an hour and when i came back, confusing boy was asleep on the bed. And i didn't want to just crawl into bed with him, so i slept on the couch. And I left town before he even woke up in the morning.

So about confusing boy, the first night we met we were both really drunk and did ummm shit. But the next day we hung out sober and he was legit. And we've kinda been texting since then. but it's confusing in general because i'm not living there this semester. and then on top of that, we're really just a lot alike so i can see how this could all be like a just friends thing. especially since he legitimately does have a lot of friends who are girls. so idk. i do kinda like him, but i'm trying not to think about it.

okay sorry that was so long and rambling, i'm super tired and about to pass out. i'll catch up on blogs tomorrow, promise.

I gotta admit, a lot of shit got to me.

Friday, October 14, 2011

I miss fear.

Seriously, I miss fear. I was watching this video on this girl who does CrossFit (which by the way, is INSANE) and she's a former gymnast like me, and says something like, When I stopped doing gymnastics I started missing that feeling of fear, I miss that feeling. And that is exactly how I feel. I also miss working out with a purpose, like doing something I like, that I get to compete at, and have goals. I need a new sport, but I'm 19, which is too old to start most sports competetively and most sports aren't thrilling enough for me. I'm feeling kinda healthier lately, I'm more concerned with making myself strong and healthy. Putting good things into my body and making my body do amazing things. That's the goal anyway. And I also want to lose weight. But maybe this kind of approach will appeal to me a bit more. And my enter key isn't working right now so I feel like this just looks like a giant ramblefest sooo I'll stop with that. I'll try to check out everyone's blogs, I feel terrible that I haven't been commenting as much, I really do love you all!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

She decided to start living the life she'd imagined

Okay sooo sorry I've been bitching a lot lately...anything and everything was seeming pretty lame. But I decided I'm over that. There's no use being upset about something you can't change.

As for the things I can change...It's time I lose this effing weight. My life is far from perfect right now, but I do have one thing that I will probably never ever ever have again in my life, a shit ton of time. I'm going to use that to my advantage. My strength in weightloss is by farrrrr working out. I suck at restricting. But I can workout like a mofo. SO I'm going to start working out like an athlete. Well, like an athlete who is training for the olympics or some shit.

And I'm also going to make an attempt to stop my worst habit in the diettting life, letting my cravings get to me. So I am literally going to try to eat the same thing every day, giving myself no options. Because that is where it all goes downhill. I feel like this could potentially work really well, or backfire like none other...we'll see.

I'm feel like I have a slightly happier and healthier outlook on life at the moment. It's a good feeling :)

Athlete thinspo :) they work hardd for those bodies!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

If you can die from boredom, this is probably the last you'll hear from me.

So I know this is going to be super annoying to anyone who has any kind of a life, and I'm really super sorry.

But, I am soooo mother fucking bored!! You know what I've done today? Slept until 3, layed in bed and watched Rebecca Black's youtube videos, facebook and twitter stalked all my friends, listened to pandora, stumbled, and ate.

I am seriously about to explode with boredom. I text my friends, but they're too busy to talk much. I don't blame them, I'm not mad at them, I'm fucking jealous!

I want to be in school, I want to have a job, I want to go to the gym, I want to go tanning, I want to see my friends, I want to have hours and hours of homework. Seriously, anything that will give me a reason to get out of bed.

And I don't have a working car so that's why I can't go anywhere. I literally feel like I'm a prisoner in my house. This isn't even my home.

I feel so disgusting. And lazy. And FAT. And kinda like I'm going to murder my parents. FUCKKKKKKKK THISSSS

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dear 2011, you suck

January- Boyfriend breaks up with me
February- become so depressed- sleep for 14+ hours a day, drink while I'm awake
March- Sick for the ENTIRE month, still depressed
April- Told I can't live in my sorority next semester, Everyone starts hating me, still depressed
May- Failed ALL of my classes
June- Kicked of my sorority (financially expelled), parents kick me out
July- Get in a fight with one of my best friends, haven't talked since
August- Want to go back to SD but can't, do absolutely nothing all month
September- Visit school, feel completely unwelcome, do absolutely nothing all month
October- get a job and lose a job, do absolutely nothing all month

And add to all of those months, I'M FAT

I don't even want to know what November and December are going to bring.

But I do know 2012 will be completely different. I'm not letting depressed, drinking my life away, fat Haley be here anymore. It will take a while to change that, but I guess that's what the rest of 2011 is for.

FUCK YOU 2011. 2012 WILL BE MY YEAR (even if the world does end)

I'm fasting until further notice.

Life sucks

Seriously, my life is shit.

Everyone fucking bailed on me tonight.

I'm sitting home, all alone, being freaked out like every 12 seconds. I swear there is someone in my house, but know there's not.

I just wanted to get drunk and party.

But instead I'm sitting at home, listening to Brand New radio on Pandora like a fucking emo kid.

And don't worry all the calories I'm saving from not drinking my weight in alcohol and being made up in cookie dough as I type this.

And my liver is fine, but my lungs are going to shit from my fucking chain smoking all night.

The only 2 texts I've gotten after 10pm were within 5 minutes of each other at about 2 am. Fucking booty calls. Last chance booty calls.

Oh, and the tigers fucking lost.

Sick of this shit. I need another cig.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I've got some issues that nobody can see, and all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I'm feeling so down right now.

No where feels like home. I have no desire to do anything other than be around my friends. But I can't be around my friends cuz I'm stuck at my fucking house. And they don't seem to be missing me much.

I actually feel like I'm not even allowed to be at my sorority house when I'm there for some weekends. I've decided if I go back to campus, I have to find somewhere else to stay. And I'm really not close enough to anyone else.

I want to go back to school there and be back in my sorority and everything be good and shit, but it won't be. Haters gonna hate. Girls won't want me back because I didn't try at all last year. LIKE WTF. Nobody just lays in bed all day and then goes and gets fucked out of their mind on the weekends and end up crying her eyes out by the end of the night because they;re lazy. Obviously something was wrong. And if you're a good enought sister to be "worried about my future", you're a good enough sister to be worried about maybe my present condition. I'm not saying fuck it all, because that's what I want, it's just how it feels sometimes.

And this isn't to bash greek life at all. Honestly, my sorority is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But you have to take the bad with the good, and right now I'm having a problem seeing anything that doesn't suck.

The future is bleak. there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one will surprise me. everything is sooo fucking typical.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Finally, a legit post!

First of all, I want to say sorry to everyone who read my crazy post yesterday. I was feeling a little...crazy. I was actually super pissed, but I'm feeling a lot better now.

Okay so like I promised, this post is in honor of a one pound weightloss, actually 2 pounds. I weigh 163 right now, so that's good I guess. It's kinda depressing that 163 is a loss. Pretty sure when I originally started this blog ( a long time ago, I'm pretty sure I've deleted all the posts) I weighed 140. And I was down to 151 at some point this summer. ughhh wtf haley.

I'm doing ABC right now, I'm only on day 2 so I really don't have anything to bitch about yet. I think I ate like 485 calories yesterday, I don't remember exactly.

So I no longer have a job lol not my fault at all either. But whatever, I'll get over it.

My sister didn't go to school today,idk why, and we're not talking, so it's super awkward.

I had a fun and cold weekend camping. Complete with getting sorority girl wasted with a 17 year old boy. I saw him wearing a 2012 letter jacket and just thought ohhhh fuck. I could tell he was my type from one look, and also that he's in fucking high school. He started charging a kiss for every beer and cig that I bummed off him, I complied. He kept trying to get with me, which was cracking me up, he still had braces! I mean he was good looking, but seriously. He got me sooooo drunk though. And was surprisingly smooth for a youngster. He'll be a fratstar for sure one day.

Ummm the Confusing boy I mentioned in the last post has been talking to me a lot over facebook or texting. It's still confusing though so I'm not sharing any deets. I do really like talking to him though, and chilling with him, but that's not really possible right now.

I'm so boreddd right now, I need to find something to do so that I won't resort to eating!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!

This is really just what I want right now. ughhhhhh

Monday, October 3, 2011

This isn't a real post!

My phone and I (barely) survived the freakinweekinnnd. I'm starting ABC tomorrow (monday). That's all.

Friday, September 30, 2011

My brain will not stop!!!

Kay I'm not 164, but there's like ten trillion things on my mind right now! I PROMISE I will start the 1 pound a post thing like immediately after this! Kay things on my mind.

1. Alex (exxxx) has been on my effing mind all night. Idk why. I just randomly miss him sometimes. And I should be over him by now, it's been like 8 months since we broke up. I'm making progress though...I've realized that I am way out of his league and he totally messed with my head/had the biggest ego in the world so I never really saw that before. But still....

2. I got the job at BDUBS!!!

3. And that is partly because of my love for sports!!! Deeeetroit Tigers playing some October ball!!

4. I'm going camping/partying this weekend with my friend from school. It started as a giant camping trip and it morphed into a giant party that people are camping at...whatevsss that's cool with me. I'm ready to get fuckeddd up. And see some dudes. I've officially decided that I'm done with hookups and that I want a relationship...but maybe this weekend can be like an exemption. I'm in serious need of some attention from some hot guys :)

5. Which reminds me of this guy...I don't even know what to say about him. Seriously, I don't. Let me get back to you guys on that. But honestly, I've never been so confused by a guy in my life.

6. I loved all the comments on my VLOGGGGG!! You girls are seriously too nice!! Thanks for the advice on the interview, I'd say it was pretty good, considering I got the job lol. And I live in Missouri, if that explains my accent or whatever you wondering about lol. Seriously making a vlog was so much fun. Maybe I'll do that for every 5 pounds that I lose....hmmm

7. I'm thinking about starting ABC on monday, and would like to do it with someone. If you are interested in that, let me know!!!

Okay, thanks for letting me get that all out! Maybe I can get some sleep now.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I was bored so I made a VLOG!!

hahaha seriously, sorry it's so sucky....but it was kinda fun :)

Idk why the sound is so messed up.

Next time I make a vlog, I'll actually think about what I'm gonna say before I start it lol.

Oh and one thing I forgot to mention--lately I'm not able to comment on other blogs using like my google accounts thing...and idk why! I've just been commenting with the name "Haley" without it being linked to like this account. So if you see that, that's what's up!


I've decided that I'm only going to post everytime I lose a pound from here on out, so I'm 165 this morning (and I'm super embarrassed to be telling you all that, how did I GAIN that much weight!?) and next time I post I'll be 164. Hopefully that will result in some more motivating and quality posts.

Also, I thought I'd share my morning's thinspo. I saw this girl on the American Eagle website and I think she's devestatingly beautiful. I'd kill to look like her.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"Live the Life You'd Be Envious of if You Saw Someone Else Living It"

SO I was reading through the October issue of Cosmo (fine literature) when I came across an article by Olivia Munn, and it's pretty good. I'm not sure if I took away from it exactly what she meant, but here's what I got...actually here' my favorite paragraph.

"Live the life you'd be envious of if you saw someone else living it. This is my personal mantra. Whenever I'm going through a difficult time, like a breakup, and I'm wishing to be the person who could get over it and move on, I tell myself to be that person. Instead of waiting to be inspired by someone else and being jealous that they're living a life I wish I had, I tell myself not to wait for that moment and to start being the person I want to be. If you wish you were the woman who went for that big promotion, learned a second language, dumped that guy who cheated on you, then just be that person. Think, if I have the energy to wish for it, I have the energy to do it."

She's really not saying to be someone else, someone you're not. I want to be the girl who works hard for her hot ass body. Emphasis on the hot ass. I want to be the girl who never leaves the house looking like a mess. I want to be the girl who works hard and plays hard. But always keeping it classy. But still down to earth. I want to remember that I am not entitled to anything, without working for it. I want to be the girl who can always be there for her friends. I want to be the chill, confident girl I used to be. I want to find satisfaction in being, rather than seeming. And I've never seen a person want to be all of those things as much as I do, so still 100% me.

So what do you all want to be? Make your lives exactly how you wish they were, and now! There's no better time than the present :)

Monday, September 26, 2011


and I also will keep the eating to a minimum.

That is all.

ps. I need some major motivation. If you're reading this, please send some my way!

Saturday, September 24, 2011


So today I ate really well and went to the gym for the first time in like a month. I'm sooo out of shape.

Then I binged on cookie dough and pasta lateee at night. I wasn't even hungry. I didn't even want to eat...I was just lonely.

My fridays used to be filled with invites to whatever parties, going out to dinner, getting ready with all my friends at the house, and then party hopping all night.

I literally have not spoken to anyone outside of my family all day today. And that just got to me tonight.

I'll do better tomorrow. I will get through this.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sometimes, people suck.

Not going back to school this semester was a terrible, terrible decision. I heard people (mainly, my mom) saying that I didn't adjust well to college and I wasn't ready to go back/ couldn't handle it, and I believed them. I will never let that happen again.

I haven't been posting on here as often as I'd like, and I haven't been losing weight as often as I'd like. I've actually gained weight (shocking...not).

There's been a lot going on in my life and I just don't have the energy/time to write it all down and there's no way anyone would want to hear it anyway. There is one thing I need to get out there though, so if you feel like it, keep reading lol

So, I've been going out to my old school about every other weekend lately and I was there this past weekend. It's kinda awkward being back with at my sorority, which is a whole other story, but basically I just feel out of place. So last weekend I'm out at a party with some sisters/friends and I'm just really not having the best night. It was a huge dance party and I wasn't really in the mood and things just weren't going like I had hoped. So I decide to leave around 1am, which is extremely early for me. I'm on my way home when Alex texts me. If you know who I'm talking about, I'm so so so sorry for bringing him up again, and if you don't know who I'm talking about, he's my ex. Everytime I've been back at my school this year, I've been able to avoid/ignore him. I'm past all of that drama. I hardly ever think of him. But when I'm having a bad night and feeling out of place and he texts me, it just seemed like a good idea to hang out with him. So I went over to lambda chi, we start talking, and almost immediately he moves it to the bed. Not for like sex though, we're just cuddling and talking. And we talked for like 3 hours, then I sobered up and left after he fell asleep. That's all that happened.

I thought I was over him, but I'm not. But I don't think I want to be with him. I'd rather be with someone else. But that little incedent made me realize-- whenever I'm with him, I'm happy. Seriously everytime I've ever been around him, he's put me in a good mood. Idk why, I just know that's true. And that's why I hung out with him that night, I needed an upper. So idk what this means. He truly makes me happy, we can talk for me out!!!

So that's my guy drama (well, one guy lol) if you read all that, thanks. I'm getting new internet soon so hopefully I'll be able to upload pictures again shortly ( my internet sucksssss) Hopefully soon I'll be able to tell you all some new (good news) about my effing weight. ahhheiga;lkj;lkgjekgh

Monday, September 12, 2011

Wake up call!!

So there's this guy. He's in the fraternity that I'm pretty sure always gets the lowest gpa. They pride themselves in throwing crazy parties and being fratty. And he's like the voice of all that. And he's a DJ at an effing strip club! He always says he's on a 6 year track to graduation.

He goes up to my best friend, and asks her why she hangs out with me

She goes, she's a great friend and a freaking good time.

He says, "She's way too much of a good time. I can't handle it."

WTF!! Seriously??? Too much of a good time? I mean, yeah, I probably am too crazy for the president of the Christian Campus Fellowship or some shit like that...but this kid!!???

And I know there's truth to that. I get crazy all the time. I'm not even in school this semester. I take absolutely nothing seriously, other than my friends.

Okay, I need to grow up. I need to do something with my life. I need to start respecting myself. But come on, this kid is not the person to be talking shit on my lifestyle.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

What I hate about myself

- my fat bod
- my oily skin
- my dry hair
- my's not perfect
- neither is my stomach
- my legs are the fattest things in the world
- my yellow teeth
- my pale skin

This isn't as depressing as it looks. It's really a list of things I want (and plan) to improve in my self. Just getting it out there.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

When have I ever had a good 3 day weekend??

Seriously, I get so excited for 3 day weekends, and then they always end up sucking.

I think our lives can only handle 2 nights in a row of drinking drama.

Last friday I went down to my old school for the weekend. Most people were gone to the lake or just home so I didn't have to deal with too many people. Everyone was always at the same party though, no matter what house they were in. And uhh well, my perfect (totally kidding) reputation was ruined.

On Friday I hooked up with this KA I've hooked up with before. On saturday night me and Sig Nu got caught up in some EXCESSIVE PDA on the back steps at KA by a Beta Sig. That story went viral. Apparently it got sent out in a mass text to all of IFC (intrafraternity council)

And Sunday I got to deal with all of the repercussions.

I also broke my phone.

For the record: fraternities + pools = nothing good

I'm ready to be back there for school though. LOL.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

"I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"

Aghhhh that's how I'm feeling right now.

Some things that are running through my mind

- I miss my sorority. Bid day was on Monday and it was super sad not being there or a part of that anymore. Maybe I want to go back to school to be there for the next bid day??

- I want to move to South Dakota. Now. But my car won't be ready for at least 3 weeks. And I've only told my dad that I don't plan on staying here much longer. I need to tell him more.

- I NEED to lose weight. I am fat and disgusting.

- I miss Alex (ex). Alot. But I don't ever want him back. That's why I NEED to leave.

- I"m running from my problems, I know. I don't care. I don't see why that's always such a bad thing.

Anyway, tomorrow I plan to workout a lot, and eat a little. And clean, clean, clean. My house is seriously disgusting.

Sorry my life isn't more interesting.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I don't even know what to tell you.

Seriously, I don't know what's going on with my life. What am I doing????

I wish I knew.

I know I'm not going back to school this semester. And it's not because I think school is stupid and that you don't need an education to get somewhere in life. I actually like learning and shit. I just had a very bad experience with it wrong to think it should be more about learning than getting a job? Not that I really tried learning anyway, but I feel the environment could be part of that reason.

I know I need to lose weight. I've just gained since I last posted. I went on semi vacation where I ate and ate and ate. And drank and drank and drank and drank. I need to stop making unrealistic long term goals. I'm gonna start taking it just a day at a time.

I know I need to get out of here. I hate this town. I hate this state. I miss my friends. I hate my mom.

Hopefully I will have some happier news next time I post. Love you all!

Friday, August 5, 2011

very, VERY mad

I'm fasting for 48 hours starting at 9 AM tomorrow. Not that I'm gonna eat at all before then, that's just a good starting point.

I'm not gonna weigh myself until 9 AM Monday.

I'm supppppper pissed at myself right now. I just want to like punch myself in the face or something//

And this is where I would post a shit ton of thinspo right now if my computer would let me effing upload pictures. Ughhhhhhh. I need to go back to school like now!


Dude, idk what that was all about.

25 days until my first day of class....AT MY NEW SCHOOL!!!

I'm pretty excited, it's pretty clear that I needed to transfer schools. Also, my family is driving me motherfucking crazy. Seriously, blahhhh. After being in college for the year I am hating having parents and rules again for 3 whole months!

Anyway, 25 days til school= 25 day challenge.

I promise, promise, promise this will not fail, like everything else I ever start.

I have work outs every day made up of about 60-75 minutes of intense cardio and about 25 minutes of butt and ab work. On top of that, I'm going to restrict as much as possible. I'm not gonna set a calorie limit for each day because then I go over and feel like a failure and binge more...soo let's avoid that.

AND I suddenly have like 30% more followers today, which makes me crazy happy...YAY!!!

AND idk why I have so much energy right now, but I'm just counting down the minutes until the gym opens.

Today is going to be a good day!!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

My body does weird things sometimes

When I woke up yesterday I weighed 159.4

When I woke up today I weighed 155.4

What the hell? I'm very precise about weighing myself. Same conditions every single time.

And I didn't even fast yesterday, I ended up eating about 1300 calories and then burning 600 at the gym. Which wasn't as good as I wanted, but wasn't bad. And it definitely does not constitute a 4 pound weightloss.

I'm not complaining or anything...I'm happy. I just want to know WHY!? Seriously, What the hell. This has kinda happened to me before too.

If I'm doing something to do this I would REALLY like to know what.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

160 :(

So I'm back at 160. I'm seriously disgusted with myself. The last week I've gone out to eat and then out to party like every single night. And then feeling so terrible the next day that I can't even go to the gym.

I'm sooo pathetic.

I have something I want to update on but I'm sooo mad at myself I can't even start to think about them right now.

Tomorrow I am fasting though, and going to the gym to burn AT LEAST 600 calories, so hopefully by the end of the day I'll be able to talk about slightly happier things.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

"She lights a joint and drinks til she's blind....

Just wonderin if she's outta her mind..."

So tonight I was feeling really down. Or maybe I was feeling up. I'm not really sure. Either way, I felt like I needed to get fucked up and forget everything. I don't really know why.

I obviously have a drinking problem. Well not just drinking. Anything to get me out of my mind.

But I've been doing better lately. I haven't done any kind of drug since mid-june. I haven't drank since July 1st.

And tonight I didn't drink either. I went to a fair and chilled with the friends of a friend. People like me sober too, it turns out. I had fun.

I didn't fast today, I actually ate a shit ton. I don't care though, I'm proud of myself.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I've been MIA...?

Sorry I haven't posted on here for awhile, if anybody even reads this. But a lot has happened to me this summer, ALOT. But more on that later.

For now, I just want to tell you that we can learn a lot from Jason Stackhouse (From True Blood....I'm obsessed with True Blood.) But anyway, on an episode I was watching the other day he says he gets a ton of pussy because he works out like crazy. Amazing point Jason! Seriously though, it got me thinking. The people who have the bodies I want are working their ass off to get their bodies. And I'm just sitting on my ass. I can wish I had a Victoria's Secret model's body as much as I want but she's working for that body like it's her job (it is). And this is all common knowledge, I know that. But sometimes I need a reality check that's just like, Haley, get your ass in gear and change something or nothing will change.

So this is just something to think about.

A few times this summer I've done this 3 day cycle where I fast for 2 days and then eat about 500 calories the 3rd. It's not really as hard as I thought it would be, and I lose like 6 pounds each time I do it. Unfortunately then I usually go 2 weeks without thinking twice about what I'm eating so I gain it all back. I really have lost about 10 pounds since I've been home from school though so it's not entirely bad. Anyway what I want to do is 7, 3-day cycles. Which will be really tough. But you have to work hard for those rockin' bodies, girlies.

Wish me luck ;)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

I have no idea as to what to do with my life.

I've been home from school for almost 2 weeks now. I'm not even sure what that means.

I know I'm not meant to have a normal life. I don't want that "perfect" life that people like to act like they have. I want to be a little crazy. I am a little crazy, my actions should reflect that.

Last year before I went off to school I had this major freak out. I was thinking, "Really? Is this it? I'm not doing something crazy and unique with my life? I'm going to college now and being normal."

And then I decided I like college. My college. My friends. But it wasn't my life. Not yet, anyway. I can come back to that, I know. There's all the time in the world for being boring and mature. But you're only young once. I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted my youth.

And it's scary because at the beginning of Spring semester I was so close to going into that perfect life and never coming back. All I had to do was play perfect for awhile.

Instead I went crazy.

So I'm using this summer to come up with a plan of what to do next. What do I need to do now? I need to lose weight first of all. You can't have a crazy, beautiful life without being skinny and confident. I need money too. And a car.

Skinny + Money + A Way Out = Free

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cinco de Mayo/ Drinko de Haley!

So um I have a final in 3 and a half hours. I'm not too worried about it, it's chemistry, I rock that shit...even though at my school chem is designed to weed out about half of the freshman class. Can't pass chem, calc and physics here? Sorry you aren't meant to be an engineer.

I just got back from a walk with one of my favorite Lambda Chi's. He was drunk and wanted to talk to someone who wasn't in his house, and he's dealt with my drunk ass numerous times so I went. I like talking to him anyway so it's not a big deal, he's chill as fuck.

Today/tomorrow? is my last day here. I'm so sad. 2 of my best friends are already gone and one more might be leaving tomorrow, but I'm trying to convince her to stay for......DRINKO DE HALEY!!!

You see, Cinco de Mayo is a great drinking holiday. What makes it better? After midnight you're celebrating my birthday! So ummmm 8 am final, walk with Sig Nu's to their house where my vodka is and start doing some shots. I plan on being drunk all day tomorrow! fun! I'm about to be sober almost all summer so here's my final party!

I'm probably gonna need to sell some books in order to buy some more vodka lol.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Being Proactive!

So I'm starting a 100 day challenge thing tomorrow. There's a tab for that. But umm me and my ana friend from home are doing it together. We decided to do the nail polish thing with it too, where you like paint one nail for every day you stay on your diet. We also decided that since we are (hopefully) already splitting this into 10 day intervals, we're going to try a new diet every ten days. I feel like this will really help me stay on track since I really don't have to be doing one thing for TOO long. Mind tricks man.

I'm thinking of doing something for every 10 days I stay on my work out plans, but idk what, or what my work out plans are even.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone out there has any diet suggestions to try? I'm looking for extreme low calorie ones, or ones that can easily be turned into low calorie. So far we have raw food only and a fruit fast, which are pretty similar...but we need ideas! Please help!

Have a skinny day everyone!

Monday, May 2, 2011

New Highest Weight and I want to die.

I'm seriously trying so hard not to burst into tears right now because I just weighed myself for the first time in weeks and the scale said


What the fuck. I want to hurt myself so badly right now. But I can't. I have to be calm right now because I have a final in an hour. A final I need to do well on to stay in school. Yeah why are my grades like this???

What was I thinking? Why didn't I try harder with my school work. And Try harder with starving. Or try at all for either.

I can not believe I'm this fat. Panic panic panic panic.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

“Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves”

It's been a crazy couple of days in Haley World. I've decided that I will not be returning to school here next semester. I think that will be the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

There's a reason for this. I moment that pushed me completely over the edge and made me realive that I need to step back from this all and take a break. But it's just a long, boring drunk story. Basically I've learned that I need to stop caring about people who don't give a shit about me. And right now, if I'm really just focusing on myself, I need to be focused on school.

I went from wanting to punch someone in the face, wanting to die, wanting to run away and never come back, wanting to stay here and quit my sorority, to wanting to spend a semester at home, and then come back here, to my sisters.

So my plan is to move home at the end of the week, get a job, save money, take classes at the community college by my house, get awesome grades in those classes, and just focus on me for awhile. I need to learn how to stand on my own, and not rely on other people for all of my emotions, while focusing on school.

I think this will be best for me. I've kept this idea in the back of my mind for awhile now, but I never really had the courage to actually admit that it's the right decision.

I'll have to call my dad tomorrow and tell him about this. He already has an idea that something serious is up because of what happened this weekend, but I'm really nervous about telling him. I'll also have to tell my friends. And talk to the registrar's office at my school to learn about what I have to do to take a semester off. And talk to my sorority chapter's president so I'll know what I have to do to go alumn and then reactivate later. I'd be going crazy right now trying to deal with that alone if I hadn't just finally figured some shit out.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I've stayed up all night for two consecutive nights now. What am I doing with me life? I really need to start writing a paper that's due in 4.5 hours, but I don't feel like it. That's all I have to do all week really and I can't even do that. And a good grade on this paper could be the difference between failing out of school and being here next year to get some 4.0's for the rest of my life. lol

Um so my weekend was really interesting. I got arrested. No big deal. Really I was just trespassing and I didn't know it, and all that happened was I'm getting referred to my school's like student disipline thing. I should be able to talk myself out of any trouble.

*Talking about going to Vegas Spring Break 2013, when I'll only be 20, so not able to get into casions and shit.*
Julia: Haley will be able to get in. She can talk herself into anything.
Joy: She can talk herself out of everything too.

Idk what relevence that has.

Me and probably 5 of my pledge sisters are doing an end of the year power hour at KA. It's super cute. It has pictures of us from all year and then quotes we've said to mark each minute/shot. I fucking love my pledge sisters.

I've been eating a ton. And freaking out about eating a ton too. Idk why I do this. Whenever I'm most nervous about food or feeling the fattest I just eat all the time, even though it just makes me really anxious. I've had like 3 panic attacks in the last 2 days, because I feel fat. Idk maybe I'll get control of this soon. It's making me feel like shit.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less

Wow. Apparently I was in serious need of some butt kicking.

Thank you, Jackie, for giving that to me. Thanks for the reality check and ideas and helping me realize that I AM better than this.

And mostly thank you for making me realize that Alex sucks.

Soooo glad I can say that.

Needless to say, I have some new found motivation and self respect and it's exactly what I've needed. I was able to go out last night and not get trashed. I still drank and got a little silly, but definitely not out of control. The craziest thing about last night? The guy I was hanging out with most of the time. He was a nice, innocent guy. He talked to me about school and how his house can help me anytime I need it. He bought me some drunk Huddle House at like 1 am. He taught me how the guys in his house climb onto the roof of my house. And we chilled on the roof and talked for a few hours. And when it was time for bed he walked me to my front door and gave me a hug. Interesting.

I'm obviously off track with food and not feeling the best about that but I will do better tomorrow, I promise.

Thanks to anyone who is reading this just for caring enough to read.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Drunnkkkkkk! and in serious need of some advice.

I'm really really really sorry guys
but I am drun k as fuck.


but anyway

I love Alex. Seriously. Like, end of story.

I didn't love the security. or the fun. or the entire house of guys who automatically have to like you. or just having a boyfriend.

I love him. I knew it after hanging out with him like twice. there's something about him that no other guy will ever ever ever be able to match.

That much I know.

What do I do? I want to die without hi,m. which sounds pathetic as fuck. But he literally made my life. wtffffffffuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. I miss him so much. but he won't talk to me seriously. and he doesn't care because he just doesn't think about it. that' is a quote. what the fuck. I could do way better than him but I don't want to. hwe was perfect. for me. I wish I would have never listened to my friends because they turned out to not be true friends. he was the real deal, they were'nt

so anyway advice? I just need advice in general. I need a lot of help.

I need this, you can't deny you feel it, it's either or. Tell me it's over, everything you hoped for. tell me either way, I know you know I never let this go.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Maybe I've been listening to my Hippy Pandora station too much but...

Fucking A! Do you ever feel like it's all completely hopeless? That's how I feel like on a daily basis. I feel like I should just feel like dying, but I never really feel like that. I always just wanna run away. I'm a hippy at heart, I can't imagine myself staying in one place too long, staying with the same people all the time. I'm a free spirit.

The trouble is, I've become so attached to people here. And this place. This is where I want to be and the people I want to be with. And I may well just fail out of school. What the fuck Haley? And why am I actually caring about people?

I noticed it first last semester, when I thought my parents would take one look at my grades and never let me come back. And I thought, oh my god, I'll never see Alex again. It would never work long distance, I want to be with him all the time. Well turns out, 2 weeks into the next semester there was no such thing as me & alex, so idk maybe I just should have done that before I got too attached to anything else.

Truth is, I got scared of committment. And the partying was seductive. I gave up the boy and the grades for what I thought was a good time. I have never been so wrong in my life.

Then this weekend. I went up to a different school with one of my pledge sisters, Joy. Joy and I have gotten really close this semester and she's the one person I can really talk to about my problems, she knows everything about me. So we drink a little and start being like you're my best friend blah blah drunkness blah and then she and her boyfriend get in a fight and she runs out of the party and wants to just go to sleep. So I stop her, talk to her, tell her if she loves him she won't make a big deal about it, god knows I wish I could go back and be in this situation and make the right decision. She goes you're right, you're always right, never dramatic. I can trust you with anything, in fact, you know how I had an accident the night before initiation and had to be initiated later? I had tried to kill myself that night.

Woah, what!?

That wasn't even the most surprising part though, my reaction beats it by far. I just collapse and start balling. Like I legitimately could not stop crying. I wasn't even drunk so these weren't drunk tears. Just the thought of losing Joy, or almost any of my pledge sisters just reduced me to a crying mess.

So um, I can't leave these people. I have to be responsible and deal with shit instead of just running away. And I have to put up with the possiblity of losing these people too. Not everyone will be here with you forever. The people you have are here now, but tomorrow's another day. So live, laugh, love.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I just want to be skinny. So skinny and perfect and happy and confident. And wanted.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'll grow old, start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.

I think I like to disappoint. idk. It's like if I always disappoint, people stop expecting things from me.

But I'm sick of being disappointing. I have my math final on Thursday and I'm studying my ass off for it. My GPA is not gonna be good this semester, but that's no reason to just quit. I can still make my GPA good enough to not fail out of school. I have the power to make or break this.

Same with losing weight. I've been to scared to put my actual weight on here lately because I've let it get too high. Well as of this morning I weighed 160.8. Disgusting. This will change though. Today I've eaten 2 ribs and a peice of corn on the cob at dinner. And I worked off 250 calories at the gym. So idk what my intake was exactly but I'm not eating any more for the rest of the day so I should be good. Tomorrow's wednesday so I'm doing alcohol calories only.

As I mentioned, I had dinner. Wait, I actually attended dinner. Girls in my sorority say they never see me unless I'm at a party. Well, here's my effort to be closer to you all. I'll be attending our sisterhood retreat on friday too, even though it's gonna cut into my partying time. And I may even go to our intermural soccer game tomorrow even though it's at the same time as the wine and cheese social. Maybe.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I think I'm slowly getting over Alex. Signs from this weekend:
1. Soberly ignored his drunk booty call (friday)
2. Drunkenly ignored his sober booty call (saturday)

Friday was really boring because of dry campus. I only texted Alex back at all because I could tell he was drunk and I wanted to know where people were drinking. He was at the bars. SO no luck.

Saturday I went to KA because they promised they'd have a tea. Their tea was a little strong, even by my standards. Strong enough for Rule #1 to go out the window.

Rule #1: Don't hook up with KA's

I've broken Rule #1 3 times now. Once the night me and Alex broke up. And that's a secret I've never told anybody. I just made out with the kid on the sober ride to KA. idk why. Once over St. Pats with this KA who's on Co-op, so that's like the only time I've ever seen him. And then Saturday night....

So same kid as the sober ride incedent, Jake. We've flirted back and forth all year but I've never allowed anything to actually happen. So uhhhh idk what happened. I remember going up to the penthouse, looking for some of my sisters, and when I got up there it was only Jake and another freshman KA and 3 DOL's. DOL's are disgusting and trashy and should not be allowed in the penthouse. I just sat down at the bar and I'm pretty sure I did a shot of vodka.

Next thing I remember I'm walking down one of the bedroom hallways with Jake. Walking the direction like we came out of his room. Idk. Next thing I know, we're in the shower. Shower sex is tricky sober, when you're blacked the fuck out it results in a bunch of extremely painful bruises. Just a little life lesson there.

And then afterwards I went like back out to the party. One of my sisters was like "Haley why is your hair all wet?" uhhhhhhh idk, it's raining? I got put to bed shortly after that.

So this is the sort of thing I should feel bad about. But I really don't feel bad about it at all. I mean, it was good. And I didn't think about Alex at all that night. Maybe this is what I need to get me through the rest of this terrible school year. I'll be your sorostitute if you'll be my frat slam?