Sunday, October 31, 2010

Have you ever been dumped at a KFC????

I'm sad to say I came way too close to that actually happening earlier today. No lie.

WARNING! I feel like this is just going to be a super long post that nobody really wants so read, but this has just like happened/got done happening and I need to get it out before I explode.

So, my weekend. UM. Long story short, I made out with another guy. Almost did more. Almost. That was Friday.

Last night we had a new member retreat for my pledge class. We get initiated next Saturday so this was like one last night of bonding before we go through one of the most important things for us (everyone says so). Anyway, we do some soul sharing and stuff. I managed to keep my body hate a secret. I don't want people knowing that. But I did spill that I made out with another guy. Everyone was like AGAIN!? I had talks with people. I had to think....

Honestly, I've made out with 3 other guys since starting going out with my boyfriend, so I decided I needed to reconsider what was going on. I was thinking if I always just end up acting like I'm single, shouldn't I just be single? My pledge sisters were talking me through this actually. But in the end I decided that I actually want to be with my boyfriend, but if I want that, I have to start being more responsible. No excessive flirting ( which, I feel like, is how I get anything ever...sooooo I'm screwed), no excessive drinking, no excessive frat-hopping. My pledge sisters also convince me I need to tell Gold about this incedent.

Obviously he was pissed. Who wouldn't be? He starts saying shit. Really rude shit. Then finally got really, like, demanding or something? I'll share a text convo.

Gold: When are you getting back?
Me: We can leave as soon as it's light. I just have to wait for someone with a car to wake up.
Gold: Well when you get back come over to my house and you can like sleep or do whatever. And then when I wake up we'll go out for lunch/dinner. But I expect you here asap.
Me: Uh. What? You want me to just like walk in whenever I get back?
Gold: Yes. Come over right away. I guess you can go back to your room and shower and change or grab some clothes if you want to shower with me. Just get here NOW. And be ready to go out to eat when you do.

Like I was super mad when he was saying these things but I was trying to like not freak out on him because he was like half an inch away from breaking up with me. So I just did what he said. I went in his room, it smelled like puke. He's sleeping in his loft and I'm not really feeling like sleeping with him, so I crashed on the futon. He woke me up at like 2:30 and was like we're going to KFC.

So we went there (don't worry, I didn't eat) and it's super awkward. He's like starting me down and I can't keep eye contact. He'll occasionally ask me something like so when was this? Did you not think of the consequences? But usually it was just nothing. I felt terrible, literally. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was actually really afraid I would. Nobody has ever made me physically sick by just making me feel bad. I really couldn't say much or look him in the eyes. We leave without really establishing anything. Drive back, park in front of his house and just sit there for a few minutes.

Finally he's like "I don't want to break up with you, but I really don't want to see you this week." and I'm like uh ok? I was really super glad that he didn't break up with me, but still. Then he was like "We'll just take this week off from each other, you can't see me after Thursday anyway. If your initiation has any kind of moral content, and I'm sure it does, I REALLY hope you take it to heart."

K got it all out. I guess, if it works, this could be a good thing. I spend can this week focusing on not eating, working out, school work, not being a bitch and stuff, and my sorority stuff. This week is really important for my sorority and now I have no distractions. My sisters have my full attention. And that's good.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


re-form (v) - to amend or improve by change of form or removal of faults or abuses.
This is exactly what I need to do, like, it seriously applies to every aspect of my life ever.

* To amend or improve by change of form - Obviously I would love to change the form of my body. Please. I just need to lose this weight.

* removal of faults - ok, I have a TON of faults. Really, I do.
----------1. I can't be happy with other people's success. When someone is better than me I want to tear them down, instead of building myself up. This is something I'm really not happy about. I'm really going to work on this.
----------2. I lie. ALOT. I'm admitting this one time only. And on an anonymous online blog. I will never say this again, or in real life. If I did, a ton of people would hate me. I NEED to stop lying.
----------3. I'm really super lazy. This one is killing me in school. I must get my act together or I can say goodbye to college, my sorority, my boyfriend, all my sisters, my future. It's scary how fast I could lost it all.
I know I have other faults, but these are just the ones that are super problematic/ really bothering me right now.

* removal of abuses - I abuse alcohol. And weed. And I use my drunken/high state as an excuse to do bad things. My boyfriend should seriously dump me. I deserve it.

Sooo this entire thing feels like a ton of self hate or something and you might be worried I'm gonna go cut myself now or something. But don't. It's really just motivating me. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to reform.

I saw this picture in SELF. I freaking love it. She's not like perfectly skinny, but she's close. And she's surrounded by hot guys. This is my motivation to make it to the gym this week.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ya Sick Nasty!

Yeah, I'm sick. I felt it coming on last Thursday, but I had a Chem test to cram for (got a B on it btw!). Then it was the weekend, so if I felt sick at all I just ignored it and partied. Monday it hit me hard. I'm pretty sure I've never felt this bad in my life. I've gone to 1 class so far this week, plus a test. I plan on going to all 3 of my classes tomorrow because I'm feeling a tonnnns better right now...hopefully it lasts because there is a century club calling my name tomorrow night.

Because I've been sick I've had a really lame start to my 75 days thing. I haven't been working out, and I finished a carton of Ben & Jerry's. On the bright side, that's all I've eaten the past 2 days. I weighed myself earlier and the scale said 155. Hopefully it's not a nasty liar!

Yesterday I got an email saying I made it into Math 6! SO yay! I'm not a complete failure. I don't want to check my email now because I'm afraid I'll get an email saying they fucked up and I'm really going to Math 2.

My boyfriend and I have been official for a month now. I feel like I should start refering to him as something other than, my boyfriend. I'll give you guys the code word some of my sisters came up with for him, Gold. So yeah, Gold and I have been officially dating for 1 month. I feel like it's going pretty well....

I got a care package in the mail today. It was a bunch of random stuff and my wool coat. What!? It's cold enough for a wool coat!??? It's definitely getting close. I just remember it being opening week, with no classes, tons of parties, and slip n slides. I wish college was just one long O Week.

So that's about all that's going on here since I've been sleeping my life away recently. Sorry it's so random and retarded!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Everyone says it's part of Greek life. Ever since joinging a sorority the only thing I've heard about it is don't haze. One girl drunkenly told me to sing at a party and she got in trouble for hazing. It wasn't hazing at all. No hazing here.

There's definitely a lot of haze in my life lately. The past two and a half months have seemed surreal. Like a long vacation or something. Soon I'll have to go back home; to rules, parents, homework, boring weekends, and most of all starving. Actually, I had quite the reality check today. I'm in math 4/6. It's math 4 for half a semester and then math 6. I had to take my math 4 final today. Fer sure failed. And I had a C in that class and you need a C to move onto math 6. So it looks like I'll be going to math 2. Fuck. This wouldn't be a big deal if this was seriously the best I could do in the class. Or even anywhere close to the best. But really I haven't been trying at all. This is no where near where I should be. I'm so much better than this. I also found out my Chem test grade...82%. Everyone I told was like BITCH. But really I know I could have gotten an A. I rock at chemistry. I also weighed myself today. After all of that, this still ended up being the worst part of my day. I weigh 160 pounds! This is seriously disgusting. Granted, it was in the middle of the day, I'm sick (don't know if that makes a difference, I feel heavier though), I'm on my period (TMI???), and I was wearing like 5 layers of clothes. Those are all just excuses though. There is NO excuse for ever weighing 160 pounds. This needs to be dealt with.

75 Days to Happiness
Here's my plan. 75 days from now will be the first classes of next semester. Until then....
-Eat 500 calories or less a day. Just do it. No excuses.
-Burn 500 calories or more a day.
-Stretch everyday. It just makes me feel better. Plus it's a nice distraction when you're hungry.
-Don't get caught.

So yeah. That's my plan. The Goal is to lose 35 pounds by January 10. Theoretically it's possible. I CAN do this. I have to.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I was drinking from where I came, when I got here I did the same.

This weekend was mostly great. I got sufficiently drunk Friday night and Saturday night. If it was just that my weekend would have been all great. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a class -5 bitch constantly. -5 for no class at all. A girl in my sorority is trying her hardest to get me to quit. She can really just go fuck herself. The biggest problem with this situation is I'm just trying to ignore her and stay out of it, because eventually everyone will realize that I'm doing nothing and she keeps going. But it's SOOOO hard. Me and my big sis got drunk on saturday night and a heart to heart about it. She told me the other girl came to her complaining about me. Which she thought was the stupidest thing in the world because you can try turning everyone else against me, but you won't get my big sis.....that's where you get caught lying. My big sis told me this bitch was trying to get me brought up to J-board in our house for pre-gaming a social we had on Friday. I'm not gonna lie I kinda did pre-game but just kinda. I drank 1 Nos and Vodka very slowly about an hour before hand. NO WAY you could have noticed I was drunk. There was a big group of people there, but it was invite only so I'm thinking bitch heard about it, couldn't go, but knew I was there.
Oh and I just remembered last night my boyfriend was playing beer pong with this girl in my house for like an hour. Now they're facebook friends. My extremely insecure self is scared. I'll just not eat tomorrow.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It's Back.

I've felt it creeping up on me for weeks now. That feeling where you can never be happy with your body. When you just want to starve. Well now it's here.
I pulled an all-nighter studying for my chemistry test. Well it's only 6:22 AM now. Hopefully I can stay awake until my 8 AM chem test or I'm afraid I won't wake up for it. I didn't really study that much. I was at the library from 7-10 about 80% studying and 20% facebooking. Then I went to my boyfriends house from like 10-3. Then I came back and studied. And by studying I mean studied/showered/studied/pedicure/showered/studied/ran around in my room. People MUST think I'm crazy. I don't know why I took 2 showers. And why I was so obsessed with my feet. And how all of this became my breaking point.
I'm ready now to starve. To work out twice a day. To be thin, at whatever cost.
I've kept putting it off because I could think of excuses as to why I needed to eat. There's no point starting on a Thursday because it will soon be the weekend and I'll be drinking my weight in alcohol. By monday I was so exhausted I needed food to get me through the week. I'm at the point now where there are now excuses. I don't have a choice. I have to do this. I have to lose weight.
I weighed myself just now, for a refrence and I was 157.6 That's the highest my weight has ever been by about 5 pounds. This is disgusting. I took pictures of myself, also. So I can look back in 3 months and be happy about how I've changed. Hopefully by one month I'll be happy about how I've changed...but still want to change more. I don't think I will be happy with my body until I'm below 125. Even then I think I'll want to be lighter. We'll see, hopefully.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Skinny Pants and Some Vans

I'm listening to lil wayne, in a laundry room, at 3:45 AM. I'm also eating a chocolate chip muffin and fritos. I totally fail at not eating. I feel it coming back though. That feeling where only being hungry can make you happy. All I want is to be skinny. Thennn maybe I'll be able to be totally confident and happy. Maybe.
Some updates:
1. The BF and I are officially facebook official. Crazy, right? It's more of a big deal than you think. I've never been in a facebook official relationship. This is a big step for me. He didn't even have to push it, just bring it up. "We've been dating for 3 weeks, I feel like it's maybe time for this to be facebook official." I thought about it for a second and realized that I'm completely comfortable calling him my boyfriend to anyone who asks, so why not put it on facebook so creepers will stop thinking I'm single? I'm really happy about this...really. I just don't want to admit it outloud or to my friends because I'm so scared he'll just break up with me soon. The first time I actually like a relationship the other person wouldn't...of course.
2. Midterm grades are officially up. They suck. I'm really worried. I did homework until 3:15. I'm planning the rest of my week around when I can study for my chem test on Friday.
3. Speaking of Friday, I'm so ready for the weekend. My bio class is already cancelled on Friday and I'm gonna do the best to get my math TA to cancel class too. If he won't I'll just skip and hope he doesn't drop me because he's already warned me about missing class too many times..... anyway I feel like I'm gonna spend practically all my free time from now until 8 AM Friday studying. So 9 AM-5 PM Friday are reserved for sleep. I expect to be showered and ready to go out by 7. I'll pre game at my boyfriends house and then hopefully party with my big sis. Our shenanigans are BAD ASS.
4. Continuing on the weekend, Friday will be a shit show for me because Saturday night is my sororities formal. I don't have a dress. I can't even where a dress. My arms and legs are too fat and that's like all you see when you wear a dress. Plus I'm breaking out on my shoulders really bad. I don't know why. Nobody else ever does. It's really not fair. Anyway, find a formal dress that covers your shoulders. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this situation at all. Obviously I need to find somebody fat enough to borrow a dress from and try to get away with wearing a jacket the entire time. EFFFF. And I don't know how excited my boyfrannnn is about this. He told me he was gonna pre-game with the 2 other guys from his house who are going when I told him there's absolutely no drinking before formal. I asked if I could join them.

Well my laundry needs to be switched and I need to go kidnap my big sis for breakfast. Starve yourself for me, won't you???

Monday, October 18, 2010

When I grow up....

I just wrote like a 5 paragraph long rant about how I'm failing school and my life is ruined. It seriously went on and on and on. I'll sum it up right here in like one sentence. I have no motivation so I'm failing school and will never get into med school so I'll never be a doctor so I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I never know what I'm gonna do with my life. Every career I ever think of turns out not working out. Seriously, I'll make you a list.

1. Artist. This was my first aspiration in life. I was like 4 and I really liked to color. Unfortunately this didn't work out because, well, I suck at any kind of art. Seriously, my 8th grade art teacher gave me B's on all my assignments as long as I would a. not try to do any art and b. not take any more art classes. So yeah, I'm not gonna be an artist.

2. Waitress. I was around 6. Waitresses are nice and bring you food. It seemed like a great job. Then I realized, it's not.

3. Vet. Because I like kittens. But I hate all other animals. And they don't make shit.

4. Gymnastics Coach. I was obsessed with gymnastics. I was ALWAYS at gymnastics practice. It was like the only thing that made sense. Then I quit gymnastics. Still loved it and still wanted to coach. Then I realized they also don't make any money and it costs a TON to start a gym. So if I don't have any money to start a gym, and it won't ever pay off, it'd be more like a hobby, not a career.

5. Physical Therapist. Because gymnastics made me need a physical therapist a lot. So it was somehow linked to gymnastics but is a legit job. Now it seems too easy and boring.

6. Doctor. Next step up. Too hard. Also, it takes to long to become one. I don't think I'll live long enough to ever make it through med school, even if I were smart enough to get in.

I'm sure I've wanted to be other things, but I was super passionate about these things. So now I'm really confused.

Also, my boyfriend just texted me and asked me what I thought about him shaving his head inorder to get extra credit for a speech he's giving tomorrow. I think it's an awful idea but I'm not about to be a super possesive girl friend and tell him not to...I guess it's just hair and will eventually grow back. I just wish he would wait until AFTER formal to look retarded.

Also, I'm terrible at eating like a normal person. I either don't eat or I eat a freakin lot.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


So last night there was free tea at Beta Sig. I love Beta Sig because they have an awesome dance floor and sound system so everyone is always dancing. And they have free tea on a regular basis.
I get there, and one of my sisters comes up to me, makes me promise I won't get too drunk, then we go get some tea together. We taste it, and decide it's impossible not to get drunk.
At some point during the night they ran out of tea :( So when I go to refill my cup I'm hugely disappointed. Luckily there's like 5 guys standing around with mixed drinks and they just offered them too me. Sweet. Guys here are usually pretty stingy with their alcohol, which is retarded because there's not that many girls so one would think they would just be like throwing it at us. But no. Anyway I take on of the drink and it tastes like cranberries. NO way. New Years Eve 2009: vodka+cranberry juice= me throwing up all night. So I don't like cranberry juice. I complain about it and one guy offers to mix me another drink, in the bar in his room.
This is where it gets sketch. I have a bar in my room, come upstairs with me and I'll get you another drink. I'm a little drunk so I roll with it. I get to his room and there is legit a huge bar in their. Like I was astonished. I was so sure he was lying. Then he takes my half empty drink and adds some clear liquor to it. He told me he didn't have vodka (retarded) so I'm thinking it was ever clear. And he was trying to like sneakily add it under the bar. Then he takes my drink, goes in a closet and comes out like 20 seconds later. Really freakin sketch! But I drank it anyway and I was fine. That's pretty much my night. I'll leave you with some texts I sent throughout the night.

9:18pm It's a pink party? Does that mean I have to wear pink?? Oh wait it does't matter I already am.

10:26pm I'm at Beta Sig. Free Tea!

10:29pm I know it's not actual tea, I'm not retaded.

11:35pm Tell me why like 653020 people from my high school are here and I'm schhwasted

11:59 Dude soooory I threw my drinkk at you., i dont know whta i wa s thinking

2:16am it means i'm upstairsss getting more alcohol with soem guy and theres a girl passed out in the cjudal

3:18am So um sorry i was really drunk and you were too in this should just be reguarded whenwe're sober because this is awkward coexi don't want to be awkward.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why College Sucks.

I'm failing. That's why.

I'm not actually failing. I have a D in Chem 1, even though I'm really good at chem. I got a 61% on my first test and an 83% on the second. And I never do the homework because it's all online and I don't have a computer so it's like a lot of work to walk all the way to the library to do chemistry. Don't worry, I did my homework tonight. I don't know what I have in chem lab. I forgot to turn one of the labs in so I'm thinking a really bad grade. I did awesome on the midterm though. I don't know what I have in Bio either but I'm think really bad. I got a 73% on the first test, no clue what I got on the test I had on Monday and I honestly never do the homework for that class because the library computers won't pull up the program we do that homework on. I have a hopefully C in college algebra. I'm taking a final for that next week I think and I need a C in that class to move on to trig for the rest of the semester. Which I hope I do because I need to take calc next semester. Plus my parents would kill me.

I think my parents killing me is the reason I'm freaking out so much about grades. But them telling me to put money into my tuition like they said I wouldn't have to do, instead of buying a lap top is the reason why I'm doing so badly. They were like "It's not like you're taking an English class this semester so I think you'll be alright until the semester. " Sorry mom and dad but they've invented these nifty little things called computers since you've been in school and EVERYTHING is done on them now.

I know I NEED a computer ASAP but I don't want to call my parents and tell them for two reasons. One, I know they're really stressed financially and even buying a super cheap one for like $400 would put a ton of stress on them financially. Second, that would require me to tell them just how badly I'm doing in school. And I really don't want to do that.

Speaking of terrible conversations with my parents. I need to get on birth control. And seeing as I don't have any money, it would be really nice if they would pay for it. And I wouldn't have to feel like a skank and go to Planned Parenthood to get it. I could go to a legit doctor. I just don't want to have that conversation with them. WAY too awkward.

I know you're probably thinking that a lot of my problems would be solved if I would just get a job. And you're right. However, it's like impossible for me to get a job. My parents won't let me get an off campus job. Plus I don't have a car (or a license) to get there anyway. I would LOVE an on campus job, but my school only allows students with "financial need" to get an on campus job. This is where my parents screw me over again. They make a shit ton of money, and then spend it all. So here I am with no money, and the government says I have no financial need. EFFFF!

College also sucks because I'm fat. And fat people can never be happy, obviously.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling so stressed out right now :(

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm sorry...but boys suck

I feel like boys are the driving force behind my body hating-ness. Not that I feel like I need to have a perfect body for them to talk to me or like me. I go to a school that's 24% girls, guys can't be too picky. Anyway, whenever I'm rejected I turn to hating my body. I know you can be rejected by different things, but guys top the list for me. And now that I have a boyfriend I feel sooo much pressure to be thin, so that he doesn't decide that he would rather be with a skinnier girl, or guys will think he's too good for me, or so I'll be able to get with another, hotter guy the second my boyfriend breaks up with me.

That's probably a whole other conversation. I seriously never have relationships. If I do I don't care about them at all. But right now I'm just always afraid that my boyfriend (Gold) will break up with me. Like always. It's all I can think about. Which is probably really irrational. IDK. I just checked his facenbook and his relationship status says single. Not that mine says I'm in a relationship, I would never change mine first. But I at least too my relationship status off of my facebook. And I can hardly see him this week because his house is doing stupid ritual stuff so it's closed to initiated members only. He did come chill with me for awhile last night. In my dorm. And he hates dormies. So I guess he made an effort. I'm just really expecting too much from him. It's not like I own him.

So yeah, I hate my body, but I ate a lot today. I didn't weight myself. I didn't go to the gym. I didn't see my boyfriend. BUT. I did go to class. I did get to have dinner at Applebee's with my big sis, my 2 big, my 3 big, and my 4 big. And I even stole my water glass. badass right herrre.

Monday, October 11, 2010

10 Things About Me

Because you really wouldn't want to read a blog about someone you know nothing about. Or you probably won't even after this. But still.

1. I'm a freshman at a kinda small, mostly engineering school that's 76% guys. You can just imagine how that is.
2. I've hated my body since I was 8. The dieting started then and should have never stopped. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now but I'm sure I'm around 160. I started school about 2 months ago at 151. My goal weight is around 125, for now anyway.
3. I'm in a sorority and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it. I'm not gonna say which one though because I represent it pretty badly.
4. I have a big sister and a little sister. My little sister is my legit little sister. She's in high school and I'm extremely jealous of her. She makes me feel like crap. I got my big sis in my sorority yesterday. I abosolutely adore her, she's like my hero.
5. I'm failing school. I have homework to be doing now actually.
6. I've never had a serious relationship before, but I have a boyfriend now. We've been dating for like less than 2 weeks. Which is actually kinda long for me. I'm really scared that he's gonna break up with me because this is the first time I've been in a relationship where I'm comfortable and not sick of the person after 3 days. We'll see how this goes.
7. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Which is part of the reason I'm failing school. I just have no motivation because there's no reward at the end of all this work.
8. I probably drink too much. I drink the most out of any girl I know. Maybe my big sis beats me...we're perfect for each other. I just love vodka.
9. I have $0.51 in my bank account right now, $26.67 in my wallat, low cal foor in my room, a free gym, and a mostly full fifth at my boyfriends frat. That's all I need.
10. I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time. Getting away from my parents and from the small high school I went to has been so good for me. The only thing stopping me from being a fully happy and confident person are my issues with my weight.

So yeah that's ten things I can think of right now. My day tomorrow will include weighing myself, going to the gym, and not eating too much. I'll probably go to class and see my big sis. I'll hopefully take a nap and see my boyfriend. I definitely will not eat too much.