Uggggh.. where's the vodka?

So after feeling pretty good about how I did yesterday I go to my first class of the day. I'm just surfing my facebook when I see one of my sister's status...

"Just waiting for class to be over so I can go to Einstein's for breakfast!"

OMFG. Einsteins! I want a freaking bagel. Sooooo bad. I try try try to get that idea out of my head. But a bagel sounds soooo good.

After reading some blogs I decide it's not worth it and walk back to my dorm after class instead of getting food.

Then I was just chillin. Watching TV, trying to wake up actually for the day. And I just lost all control. I walked all the way across campus again for that god damn bagel. And a coffee cake. And a cookie.

Like WTF. Just kill me please. I ate it all. Even though I felt sooooo sick. I tried to throw it up but I couldn't. College has made me like nervous or something about purging. I don't want to be throwing up in a public bathroom. Especially when I have 4 sisters living on this floor with me. If people knew....FUCK. Not that they would think that I'm mia or anything. Obviously I'm not. I'm fat as fuck.

On top of all that, today is 100 daze. See, my school is obsessed with St. Pats. Like seriously there is a ten day celebration and we get a couple of those days off of class. Apparently it's just 10 days of being drunk like all day. I've been hearing about some 6 am parties. "Kegs and Eggs" "Drivers and Donuts". It goes without saying that I'm super excited for this. I'm probably an alcoholic.

ANYWAY there's supposedly huge parties at 100 daze and 50 daze. Last night at chapter our St. Pats chair (Yeah. We have a St. Pats chair. It's that big of a deal)Sooo anyway my big sister turns to me and is like WHAT!? so there's a party? right? let's go! But so far I haven't heard of any parties, except for at bars which I don't care about because I'm only 18 :(

BUT if I do hear about a party the chances of me going and getting trashed are soooo high. I haven't partied the past 2 weekends, with the exception of pre-gaming black friday. But that was just me and a friend sitting around drinking and chat hopper-ing. No dancing. No Boys. No Beer Pong. So it doesn't count. And I really wanna party. But alcohol has calories :( Efffff. I don't know what to do with myself.



I wanna screaaaaaammmmmmm!!!

Day 1. Obviously I am out of practice

Sooo I'm starting this 75 day thing again. Seeing as last time it didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

I was home for 10 days for Thanksgiving break. Of course I binged like crazy. I'm afraid of the scale now. I'll weight myself on Wednesday...

I want to lose 15 pounds between December 1 and January 1. Then another 5 between January 1 and January 10 (when I go back to school). Then just keep losing until my hip bones stick out nicely and I have that gap between my legs.

Today I've eaten:
1 packet of diet hot chocolate~ 25 cals
Spinach salad with tomatoes and french dressing~ 250 cals (I really don't know)
1 bowl of soup~ 120 cals

sooo total would be umm around 395 calories.

I also went to the gym:
20 minutes on the bikes~ 100 cals
50 minutes on the eliptical~ 400 cals
Then I tried running for 20 min, but after about 5 I had to stop :( ~ 40 cals

So I burned over 500 at least. So I'm glad I burned more than I ate. But it was sooo hard. I used to burn like 800 cals at the gym like it was nothing. While I was eating about 500 cals. I'm so shakey and like, not there right now. It's ridiculous. But I know this is just gonna take some getting used to. I need to get back to where I was.

Drunken Lament

Self loathing is quaint
You told me, showing restraint
Now you're gone, and I'm lost
In the swells, I am tossed.
I'm bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog.

You said forever, tell me why can't you stay?

I'd ride in your pocket all day
but I just don't fit, say the word and I'll change
I'm throwing a party tonight, I drink more than a sailor on shore
Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies.

Ohhh drunk. Since Saturday.
Without you, without restraint
It still stings, where you stung
water swings in my lungs
I'm starving for words that would ration my sadness away.

Tell me forever, tell me you'll come back and stay.


Just thought I would share a great song (By Ludo, youtube that shit.) and some great thinspo.

It's now or never.

I've been putting off this weight loss thing. I've made up so many excuses. I even tried to convince myself that I was happy with my body. I was planning on just pigging out over thanksgive break and then getting back to this. But I always do that. I'm starting now. No more, I'll start tomorrow, or next week. Nope. I'm starting now. I will be skinny.

WTF?

I really don't know what to say. There's just too much to say so everytime I start writing I stop because I just ramble. So I'm gonna try to sum up my last I don't even know how long with a list. In chronalogical order for the most part.
1. Gold said he didn't want to see me for an entire week. And he stuck to that. Even when I freaked out one night and was about to be done with him.
2. I spent most of that week trying to focus on initiation stuff but all I could really think of was Gold. Fucking lame.
3. I got initiated. Best experience of my life. Seriously.
4. I met Gold's mom and some other random family members. Yes, it was the first time we had seen each other in a week, and yes he did wake me up at 8 am (the morning after initiation, so that's like 2 hours of sleep?) and ask me to be at his house in like 15 minutes to meet them. Yeah, of course I can get ready to meet your family in 15 minutes!!! WTF.
5. I think this gets me to last week...I'm not sure though...anyway
6. I made a new rule for myself, No partying on the weekend if you miss any classes.
7. I went to every single freaking class.
8. Gold and I were better than ever. Seriously last week with him was AMAZING.
9. I hung out at my sorority more than ever. It's starting to feel like home.
10. Oh. I got really drunk Monday night in the dorms LOL. We were gonna do P90X, which turned into watching a movie, which turned into drinking and watching a movie, which turned into making ridiculous drinking games pertaining to the movie.
11. I got really drunk Thursday night at KA. Me and my friend Emily were bored and her ummmm not boyfriend? is a KA so we went over there. I'm not really sure what was going on but it was fun.
12. I got really drunk Friday night at KA as well. Friday night was crazy there. Like I've really never seen that many people there. And KA is definitely a house that my sorority hangs out with a lot. And we're like their favorites. We're pretty much all of Frat Row's favorites. And that's me being humble. Anyway I was really drunk and I danced a lot. maybe kinda slutty too. but I slept with Gold that night so no cheating.
13. I got really drunk Saturday night too. I drank 2 Four Loko. I was at Beta Sig. That's about all I know. I passed out in my room. Gold came over unannouced at like 5. He was being super asshole-y. He complained about everything I do that annoys him. And I was like wtf. He was also being way more aggressive than usual.
14. Gold told me last night that one of their pledges saw me at Beta Sig then texted another guy in the house asking if Gold and I are still together. When he said yes, the guy at Beta Sig was like what a cunt she's all over some guy. Gold saw it and flipped out. That's why he came over. When he found out I was all over some guy as in dancing. He was like oh, yeah, that's called DANCING. He gave that pledge some demerits for calling me a cunt.
15. I ate a shit ton. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no self control.

I'm a failure, but I can change.

Ok so I hate to have to tell you guys this after that last post. Cuz I was so happy and all. But, I'm completely failing at my 75 Days to Happiness. I haven't even lost any weight. If anything I've gained weight. So I'm making some new rules for myself. And hoping that the willpower I have now will carry over to tomorrow (and the next day and the next day and the next day.....) and help me stick with this. So here's the rules:

1. Only 500 calories a day (It's my go-to number).
2. Must do an hour of cardio a day.
3. Must stretch
4. Must walk everywhere (well almost everywhere, I'm not about to walk four miles on the highway to walmart).
5. Anytime you want to eat (outside of planned meals) you must:
a. finish 32 oz. of water
b. still hungry? do 100 situps
c. still hungry? do ten minutes of chem homework (killing two birds with one stone?)
d. still hungry? Walk to shrenk hall and back
e. sitll hungry!? REPEAT!
6. Must take the stairs all the time. This includes up ten flights to my dorm room. Trust me, it's exhausting.

So I'm gonna try to update this everynight on how I'm doing. Maybe if I know I have to post how I'm doing to the entire world through the internet then I'll actually try to do well. I hate disappointing people.

Individually Unique, Together Complete.

That's what the back of our bid day shirts say. And exactly how I feel about my sorority. I realized tonight, that I've come so far from my self-hate filled highschool years. And it's only been like 3 months. I know I have a lot farther to go, but I'm getting closer. And I know I'll get there one day. My sorority has given me all those things I've always been missing. It's filling that hole in my life that I've always felt, but never understood. It completes me.



It's amazing to have to many girls who genuinly love you always there for you. Plus some of these girls are very thinspiring!

If I were you I wouldn't take me back, just let me down.

That's really all I have left to say about Gold. I really do want to be with him.

But he's distracting me from more important things. Like losing weight. This blog has done a pretty good job at making me seem like I only have a little tiny, occasional problem with my body. Let me clear this up for you.

I HATE MY BODY. There's so much wrong with it. I can never be happy when I'm this fat. Never. I can't eat more than 400 calories without hating myself. My complete lack of self control is ridiculous. It's what I hate about myself most.

I want to be skinny so bad. A size zero instead of 8, please. A size 8 is seriously disgusting. It's overweight. Way overweight. But everyone today thinks it's normal. Someone even called me thin today. What is wrong with the world!? How can someone think that a girl who weighs close to 160 pounds is thin!? That is so wrong. Anything more than 125 can never be thin. Anything more than 135 can't even be healthy. Just we live in a world that's so obsessed with being fat.

Recently I've been binging a lot. HORRIBLE. This needs to stop now. It's ruining my 75 day plan. Because of this, for the next 10 days I'm gonna keep it under 300 calories consumed a day. And over 600 burned. Fuck fat. It's time for it to be gone.




A perfectly worked for stomach. fABS!

I just love this :(

I want her life.

OK. Seriously. This entire thing with Gold has been on my mind ever since it's happened. I really don't think I've been able to completely focus on something else all freakin day. And I'm worried the rest of my week is gonna go a little something like this. I'm rambling/talking/crying to everyone I know gives the slightest fuck. It's pathetic. But really the longer this goes on, the more confused I am about it. Like, seriously? What the world?

1. Oviously he likes me a lot because I've cheated on him twice and he didn't break up with me, right? Right? Right? I mean, I definitely would have broken up with myself in this little scenario. Unless I really really really wanted to be with....myself. Awkward. Anyway, maybe it's not the same magnitude for him but still, he wants to be with me after I've cheated on him twice. Nuff said.

2. He told me he doesn't want to see me this week. What does that even mean? I know he's mad and probably needs space but a week seems like a very long time. And like everytime I tell a guy I don't want to see him I actually mean get your ass over here now and TRY to prove yourself to me if you even want a chance. But I don't think boys are that cryptic. Are they??

3. K. He said he doesn't want to see me this week, which may or may not be legit. But he didn't say he doesn't want to talk to me this week. Of course I haven't talked to him since, but it's only been like 10 hours tops. So is talking included in seeing? Or does he want me to talk to him. And by talk I mean text- it's our main form of communication. I feel like he definitely didn't mean don't talk to me for an entire week. But I do think he wants me to leave him alone for at least today. But IDK. I don't want to wait until it's too late. So what's the appropriate length of time to wait in these situations. Is there like a precedent for this or something? And I don't even want to begin to think about what I'd say if I did text him!

4. The timing sucks. This will for sure be wrapping itself up by Friday/Saturday. Unfortunately I'm on a strict No Booze, No Boys diet this weekend for initiation. And it's not a rule I want to break. But I think it's an important time for Gold and I to talk, if we're even talking.

5.the tickle, the taste of, it used to be the reason but now its just choking me up. That's his facebook status. I googled it (OMG I'm such a stalker!) and the rest of the lyrics look like they're about some cheater/whore of a girlfriend. GOTCHA. They're followed by like 8 comments between him and this girl just saying other lyrics. He said:
*No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
*Well jesus christ, im alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? cuz this problems gonna last more than the weekend*‎Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
*I am not your friend i am just a man who knows how to feel,i am not your friend,i am not your lover,i am not your family
So yeah, idk what to think of this.

I don't know what to do about this! I'm really leaning towards just ending it now because obviously I can't handle being in a relationship. I'm way too much of a flirt. Actually I think I get my one and only super small does of self confidence from male attention, so idk how I can be somewhere and not flirt with guys. And it's not just like when I'm there. I'm texting the guy I made out with on Friday as I write this.