Monday, February 28, 2011

I'm so effing tired right now. I couldn't sleep last night. So I've been awake for like at least 36 hours straight now. But my throat hurts and is making me not comfortable ever so I can't sleep.

Friday night I went out to KA for awhile, and then went to Phi Kaps where there was this huge party. I stayed completely sober the entire time and I had a pretty good time. But drunk people were really annoying me so I just walked home at like 1:30.

Alex facebooked me as soon as I got home. He started this conversation by saying "Another intoxicated night?" WTF. I was just like um no. And then we had a short little conversation about like how not drinking at all doesn't accomplish anything at all, yeah I know I'm still drink. But that was all. Like I don't get it.

Then on Saturday I skipped our semi formal because I'm too fat to be dressing up and acting like I look good. But I went out with everyone afterwards. We went to KA and I got a little bit drunk and just chilled with a lot of people and got home at 4:30, tried to sleep, couldn't.

And now I'm still up at 1:30

Anyway I'm gonna try doing the skinny girl diet starting tomorrow. I finally feel good enough to go to the gym I think lol

I'm really not look forward to tomorrow, I fucking hate Mondays.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired.

The last few days have been so weird. I've been pretty sick, I'm pretty sure I've only gone to one class all week. I've been sleeping all the time. Like at least 65% of the time the last 4 days. And when I'm awake I just lie in bed like on facebook and stuff. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and all they could tell me was I don't have the flu. I hope I'm better soon.

SO anyway, what's been going on?

On Tuesday night I think? Alex's roommate, Matt (I call him Suzy), drunk skyped me and we talked for like 2 and a half hours. Suzy and his bestie, Ryan, are two of the guys I'm closest to in their house so it's not really that weird I guess. But he kept on being like I just wanted sex for my birthday (It was his birthday lol) and I'd be like yeah man what's a birthday without sex? and then he'd be like haha exactly. And it kept on seeming like he would ask me to come over (I was praying he wouldn't take it there), but then he wouldn't. Towards the end of the conversation he was like I keep on wanting to say dirty things to you, but then I don't cuz you're super cool and I want to be able to be friends with you and most girls just stop talking to me whenever I do that, and this is the longest convo I've ever had with someone, knowing I wasn't getting anything out of it, and I'm cool with it. I just like talking to you and stuff.

And other Lambda Chi's have facebook chatted me this week, so that all makes me feel good, like I'm still cool with them, and hopefully I'll be able to start hanging out at their house more soon.

Oh, and I don't care about Alex today. I keep thinking about him, but it's not bringing up any like feelings or anything.

I also feel like me and my big sister have gotten closer this week, mainly because we've both been sick and trapped in our room all day.

Oh, and I came to this realization. Guys aren't talking to me because I'm not dateable. Honestly, I'm the girl you either try to get with at parties because I'm trashed as fuck, or I'm the girl you like to hang out with at parties because I'm hilarious when I'm trashed as fuck. And I feel like that has a lot to do with why Alex broke up with me. Like, he was probably getting shit for having the train-wreck girlfriend. And I never realized that I was like out of hand because I see other girls get out of control, but they don't do it like 3-5 times a week. Actually they probably do it like once every month or so. So, my bad.

Idk if I want to stop getting crazy though. I mean, St. Pats is in 14 daze. So that's like 2 weeks of EVERYONE getting crazy. And then there's spring break. So another week of that. And then there's only like another month of school. Should I finish out my freshman year, or chill out?? I can't decide.

And also on a good note, as of this morning, I've lost 4.4 pounds since Tuesday, and I haven't eaten all day today. I really hope I'll be able to not eat until I wake up tomorrow, but I'm gonna be up really late thanks to a wonderful paper I haven't started, and I'm starting to get hungry. Shit.

Maybe we'll get it back somehow.

I absolutely love these pictures of me. Memories of those day? I was completely happy and in love with my life those days. Not one of my favorite pictures of myself was taken on a day I wasn't happy.


It all just goes together.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Feeling shitty.

So I woke up at like 7 because I had a Chem 2 midterm at 8, felt super bad, took the test in like half an hour, came home, got phone calls from both of my parents, slept until 4.

My parents are afraid I have meningitis. My mom made me promise I would go to student health sometime today, and I was going to, but then I took and 8 hour nap. My dad thinks I just have the flu. But my mom has called me 4 times, facebooked me, and emailed me since I talked on the phone with her at like 9 am. Chill out mom.

So I didn't go to the gym today but I only ate some crackers today because I don't have an appetite at all. So that's good. I really hope I feel better tomorrow though so I can get to my normal schedule. Should I drink tomorrow night? There's after hours across the street... but I know this weekend is gonna be crazy hmmmm. Maybe if I'm feeling better because I'm really starting to feel like I'm gonna need some alcohol to get through this week.

I'm really missing Alex today. Well not really. Idk what the feeling is. Like I'm really sad that it's over, but I know that it's over, like completely. Like I'm actually being realistic for the first time ever. It sucks.

And I'm super afriad this girl in my pledge class, Maria, is talking to Alex. Which wouldn't really mean anything because she's like in love/obsessed with her exboyfriend who she's starting to date again/ they're on a break...she's already planning on getting an apartment junior year so that he'll be able to sleep over. But I know they've talked before, about me, but still...I just have this feeling.

AND like no guy seems to be interested in me anymore. Like, I hung out with this Sig Chi last Tuesday and then I facebook chatted him the other day and he like wasn't really talking, and then I hung out with the Sig Pi on Thursday and I facebook chatted him and he really wasn't talking either. And this KA used to always talk to me when me and Alex were dating but now he doesn't talk to me at all really.

Like WTF is going on??

Or maybe, it seems like everyone likes me when I'm drunk, but not when I'm sober...and with guys it's not that they're trying to get with me, they're not always. What's wrong with me??

I just wish I was skinny and happy and could get any guy I ever wanted.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Waiting for the day I'm complete without you, I'm doing what I can to let you be.

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. And sorry I have been eating so much lately. And sorry I haven't been working out. And sorry I'm a complete failure.

I have no idea what's been going on with my life. I go back and forth with everything all the time. Sometimes I'm happy and motivated. Sometimes I can't come up with a reason to get out of bed.

I keep wanting to be back with Alex so effing bad. Well, no, idk. I'm doubting whether or not I would want to go back to him if he asked. Which is really confusing me. Him telling me that he wants me to grow up, see other people, understand relationships makes a lot of sense. And it seems like he's wanting to get back together later...with like how he acts and stuff. And I really think that's the best decision right now, I just hate thinking about him finding someone else and then never wanting to come back to me. I'm such a retard.

I'm feeling better about my sorority though. I haven't comepletely forgiven everyone for shit that they do, but I'll put on my happy face and deal with it. Plus Joy and my big sister Emily have been so great to me lately.

I really don't feel good in general right now though. I have a fever, headache, and everything on my body hurts so bad. Like my joints are soooo stiff. Hopefully I'll feel good enough to go to the gym tomorrow.

I really want to start getting in a really good routine, not eating, working out, doing my homework, and tanning (yeah I know it's bad, I don't care). But I have no money to tan, no motivation to do homework or not eat and I feel too sick to workout. Hopefully this doesn't last.

On the brightside, I did meet this really cool guy on Thirsty Thursday last week and we talked and played drinking games for like 4 hours and he seemed kinda into me. I just added him on facebook. I'll let you guys know if anything happens!

I've been wandering around outside a lot lately because it's starting to get nice out again. Always all alone with my dreams.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I've been so terrible lately. I've been eating all the time. And not going to the gym.

I would say I remember about 12% of Friday night...I went to Lambda Chi, then some peoples apartment, then KA, then Beta Sig. I only remember Lambda Chi and I've figured the rest out from pictures, videos, and people I was with.

I went to Beta Sigs formal with their president on Saturday. Which is basically dressing up for a nice dinner and then getting really drunk. But instead of vodka I got expensive beer and wine. Classy. I remember like half of that night.

I didn't go to enough of my sorority's events last month so I didn't make points and I got a terrible email that was like my last warning.

I didn't do study hours last week.

I didn't do my house duty last night.

I have done absolutely no homework.

I go to like half of my classes maybe.

I just go on long walks around campus to get away from everything.

I have no motivation to do anything.

I just keep secluding myself and wishing a magical genie will show up and let me make some wishes to make my life somewhat standable.

What am I gonna do with my life?

When am I gonna figure shit out?

When am I gonna change?

WTF is wrong with me???

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm not telling you this is gonna be easy, I'm telling you it's gonna be worth it

I don't put out the first time we ever hang out by ourselves. Actually don't even try to get in my pants. That's the rule.

But really I'm talking about losing weight. That's what I tell myself everytime I just want to end my workout early. I wish I could just say it when I'm binging.

I can stick to a workout plan so well, but I always over eat. And it's not even because I'm hungry or tired. The food is just there. In fact I have already eaten 900 calories today. And it's not even noon. I haven't even been home half an hour.


So last night, people kept asking me to smoke with them but I was really really really tired so I was thinking about just going to bed. Then at like 11:30 Eleanor was like I'm going to Pike (Pi Kappa Alpha) you should come with me. And I was like ummmmmm maybe. It did sound kinda fun. Right then this Pike I'm talking to pops up on my facebook chat and is like so I'm really craving some hot chocolate (inside joke meaning come over). So I went over there.

We watched 28 weeks later and he was already like really really feeling me up like ten minutes into the movie. It was really awkward because Julia also went with even though she's not talking to anyone at Pikes so that's just retarded. Anyway she was sitting on the futon with us the entire time.

And then we went to bed, Julia sleeping in the room....she decided she would shack too??? We did more but didn't fuck. Then I had like the worst walk of shame ever this morning.

I didn't wear a coat over last night because we got someone to pick us up, so I'm just wearing a T-shirt. I leave Pikes at like 10:45. Pikes to my house requires walking through campus a little bit. I brought a blanket over as an inside joke.

So imagine me, wearing sweatpants, uggs, a plain white t, and a way too big for me orange Nike jacket he let me borrow, hair in a pony tail, carrying a blanket, walking through campus just as people are leaving their 10 ams and/or going to their 11 am.

It was terrible.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A quick update from the chapter room.

I just went on a massive binge. WTF

And people are asking me to smoke with them left and right.

I haven't smoked for awhile because Alex hated it. And he could always tell when I was high. Like wtf noboday else can.

Sooo Alex's roommate is one of the people asking me to smoke. Which is kinda weird. Like I know we've talked about it before but now it seems awkward.

Idk..I'm really mad about this binge. Seriously pissed. Why did I do that?? I was doing so well until now. And I only have 47 days until spring break. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Things I want to change about myself:

1. Be skinny
2. Have great skin
3. Have great hair
4. Have whiter teeth
5. Get great grades
6. Get some sort of idea about what I want to do with my life

Ultimately I would like to be happy. But I feel like those 6 things would make me happy. They're all I want ever.

And since I'm not happy right now, I think I just need to throw myself into these so I won't have to deal with how much I'm hating my life right now.

Distract me.

Make me better.

Ok so I know I've done this before but I want to try a 75 day thing. 75 days of just focusing completely on these things. Hopefully it will lead to some intense weightloss...that would be the main goal. But also help me get my fucking life together.

Although I did like being told that I come off as a person who does not have their entire life together. I think that's a pretty awesome compliment.

Monday, February 7, 2011

You're the pretender.

I'm going fucking insane.

I think I'm finally being honest with myself. And it blows.

Ok the reason I miss Alex so much is I miss talking to Lambda Chi. He was like a vacation for me. I fucking hate being around girls all the time. HATE.

One thing every guy I have ever talked to/dated has called me: chill, at some point or another they all say, you're just so chill it's awesome.

And it's true. I really don't give a fuck about most things because they don't really matter. People never hurt me because what they do is almost never that bad when you think about it.

I have one sister who I sincerely trust so I was talking to her tonight and she said each of the following at some point in the conversation.

"I love going out with you because you're so fun and I can be myself around you, you're so accepting with whatever I feel like doing I know you'll never judge me."
"You have this fuck it attitude, like whatever happens, happens"
"You're so real, you're like the only person I know who can admit yeah this fucking sucks, we're screwed. And you aren't fake to people you just are who you are and if they don't like you then it's no big deal."
"I'm saying this as a compliment but you come off as a person who doesn't completely have their life all together, I feel so comfortable around you because you can admit that you're wrong and not perfect"
"You're so laid back and go with the flow, but also really independent. Like we'll all be out partying and notice you're gone and freak out like where did Haley go? Shit we lost her blah blah blah but then you just turn up later like ohh I just went and chilled with some new people for awhile, I'm fine, don't worry, no big deal"

And that's how I am.

So living in a house with 45 other girl is driving me fucking crazy!!!! Other girls aren't like this. Like 92% are the complete opposite of chill. I can't stand it. They just talk shit and then act soooo nice. And I really don't think people are talking shit on me. What makes me personally the maddest is that people always try to help me or they're "concerned" but they're not, you're really just trying to get into my business so just admit it. And they always ask me to be sneaky and get in other people shit because everyone trusts me.



And I'm pretty sure that forgetting all this talking and stalking I HATE like like 1/4 of my pledge class for just having a too nice, happy, helpful attitude. Because it's fake. Nobody is like that 100% of the time so stop faking it. It's so annoying and is helping no one.

And I dislike another 1/4 of my pledge class

And I have no feelings towards another 1/4

And I actually like only 1/4

And outside of my pledge class? I have Macke. That's all.

I think I hate my sorority.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I made some bad decisions but I'm cool with it yo.

Soooo um last night. omg.

I went to KA. They were telling me to come over because they're having a huge fucking dance party. I got there at like 8:30 which I know is early but there was literally no one there. So whatever I just sat around drinking with the guys and a few girls from my house that were there.

And then I did some shots. And then we started dancing. And then we went to Pikes for their Hall Crawl. I don't remember much of Pikes. I tried to punch some guys are to like see how hard I could punch and I hurt my wrist really bad. And then I to the bathroom and slipped on what I'm pretty sure was puke and hit the ground fucking hard. So I went back to KA and kept dancing I guess.

And at some point I started texting Alex. I asked him if his offer from tuesday night was still on the table. And he was like yeah, but do you really want to hurt yourself? And idk we kept on talking and he was eventually like I'm drunk blah blah blah you don't know that you love me, you've never been in a serious relationship before you don't know, date some other people get some experience and if you still think you love me next semester let me know and then I'll believe you and we could work on getting back together. ........?

And then he walked all the fucking way to KA which is like a good mile and a half. And it's fucking cold out. And then I walked back to Lambda Chi with him.

The walk back was great. WE just talked for like 15 minutes. It was a little like ohhh I made out with 3 girls this week. Oh really? Yeah I figured that when I was shacking at Pike and Sig Nu....But there was actual conversation once we got past that and that was really really nice. That's what I miss. Just talking to him.

Well anyway we got to Lambda Chi and started like making out. I'm not gonna lie I loved being back in his room. And having him touch me. But it sucked because it wasn't like it used to be. I was obviously a slam piece, and it sucked knowing that. I guess he could tell that I wasn't happy because he stopped and was like am I hurting you? Then I was just like Yeah. And put my clothes on and left. Yes, you're hurting me sooooo bad. You have no idea.

And my night went on....I started to walk home but my drunk ass got stuck at the Sigma Chi parking lot. Everyone thinks this is the most hilarious part of my night but really I don't think it was that funny. But whatever....

So I'm walking back and it's cold and icy and I'm slipping everywhere and right at the Sig Chi parking lot there's this like giant fucking ice patch. And I was like there's no way I'm getting across that. So I just sat down. In the fucking snow. At like 5 am. hahhaha?

Like after 10 minutes of sitting there a KA texted me and was like did you get home alright? and I was like no. And like 20 minutes later he came and got me. I don't know what took him so fucking long. I was starting to get really fucking cold. But I'm forever grateful to him because he was nice to me all night and then I was a bitch to him when Alex got there and he had early morning clean up so because of me he got no sleep that night. And he gave me pants to wear once we got back to KA because mine were soaking wet from sitting in the snow and he let me sleep in his bed. So thanks man.

And I'm fat. So fat that I hate myself. I will never be able to like a fat person. I'mmmmm such a fuck up. I hate being fat!!!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

And now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.

I'm trying to make myself like mad at Alex so I can forget about him.

I keep playing through little scenarios of how we could get back together. Like it's all I do. And I've noticed one reoccuring theme. Every single one starts with me being skinny.

So I can't be happy with someone else until I'm happy with myself? It makes sense, the other day when we were skyping Alex said he broke up with me because of my insecureities.

But being skinny is something I can do. I just need some self control, which I'm severely lacking in. Soooooo just get some self control Haley!

Anyways, I've done really bad the past 2 days. I went to the gym after my last post and I did burn 1000 calories. I was so proud of myself. But then I went to Applebee's for half price apps. And then I got sick and just ate whatever yesterday. And then this morning I just ate 2 bosco sticks and a poptart. But now I'm starting to feel not sick. And that's only 700 calories. If I don't eat anymore and go to the gym today could be like not bad. But idk if I can make it to the gym. It's such a long walk and it's sooooooo cold. And I still don't feel good.

Being skinny is the most important thing there is

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I think I'm having a major life crisis

Me trying to figure out how many calories I just ate.
banana= 120
ravioli= 430
more poptarts=400
cheetos= probably like 400
mountain dew= 165
SO that's 1,915 calories. WTF

I want to throw up so badly. But it won't do anything since I started this major eating at like 1:30 and now it's 5:30.

I burned 400 calories at the gym earlier. So now I need to go back and burn like another 1000. That is honestly my goal. Anything to get me out of here.

Oh, yeah my life crisis.

I have no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life.

- I'm a bio major at an engineering school. I hate bio.
- I seriously failed almost all of my classes last semester. My GPA is a 1.067
- I'm actually smart. I just don't give a fuck. I should be living proof that your ACT score is not a direct correlation to your college GPA. A 32 to a 1.067? right.
- I'm fat and not worthy of anyone's attention. Ever.
- I'm one of those girls who other girls hate. Because I really don't give a fuck about anything. I tell them to stop getting mad at people for talking shit on them because you just talked shit on them last night. Everyone talks about everyone. Just don't take yourself so seriously and you'll be fine. Fucking chill out. And that makes them hate me.
- Some girls in my house are starting to make me so mad. Emily and Lindsay tried to make me party too much at KA so that Alex would break up with me. "Oh sorry we didn't know you actually cared about him that much." Macke is taking her big sister role too far. I need a friend right now, not a mom. Stop telling me what to do. And stop calling me "little retard" for shacking and drinking and skipping dinner. Julia is following me around like a puppy. Just because we're friends again does not mean we're best friends again. That didn't work last time, it won't work this time.
- I ate sooooo much today. Seriously, weight loss is the only good thing in my life right now.
-I'm not even a full time student. I was fucking waitlisted for chem and I never did anything about it and now I need to talk to my advisor and he's a douchebag who makes me feel like a failure so I don't want to. I think I'll just forge his signature.
- I never go to class. What's the point? I don't even care. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Holy fuck.
- My best friends are in South Dakota living their own lives. I want to go back to that life, but I know this is my life now. As much as it sucks, I'd miss it.
- And of course, Alex. Sorry he was my first love and it's taking me a while to get over him. Stop telling me he's not worth my time and to stop thinking about him. It's not that easy.

Can you take mental health weeks in college? I'm about to go insane.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


Me and Alex are completly over. I'm starting to realize that.

He Skyped me on Monday night and we talked for like 3 hours. He started by telling me that he's been having a terrible past 2 weeks. Why? He's talking to 3 Chi O's and they all really like him so much and now they're all jealous so other Chi O's are mad that he's making some of their sisters jealous and then even more are mad that he's making other people mad.

Chi O's are like our rival sorority. My house and Chi O compete for top everything. We're always 1 and 2. We're every fraternities favorite sororities. We fucking hate Chi O basically.

Cool? I go why are you telling me this? You're just being an asshole. And he goes oh? You told me you've been alright since we broke up, you think I don't miss you? That I don't miss talking to you. That it's soooooo hard for me to be doing what I'm doing? What's he doing? Not taking me back. I tried to convince him for awhile but he's too worried about what people will think if he takes me back "so easily". Whatever.

And then he texted me last night, drunk, saying he's horney. Can I come over for completely unattatched sex? No, I'm sleeping with someone else tonight. Then he sent me like a 4 page text that was like pffft you think you can make me jealous? righhhhht. blah blah blah hope he's good enough in bed for you. blahhhh.

I'm really over it I think.

Oh so we have a snow day today and yesterday. So I went over to Pike last night for a powerhour. Alex hates Pike. Actually every frat boy here hates Pike because they are the richest, most successful fraternity. And best looking. I made out with 2 guys and slept with one of them. Just slept. He was there when Alex texted me and noticed that it bothered me and just sat there and rubbed my back and was like it's ok babe. He's a legit guy. Even though he has 2 girlfriends and 3 consistent slam pieces. And he has some thing with one of my pledge sisters and she like freaked out that I was watching tv in his room and I had to hide while he convinced everyone that I got a sober ride to home. But that I probably went to Lambda Chi. I feel like there may be reprecussions for this.

I think I'm going to go to the gym for like 4 hours now. That's all I can think of doing today.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm really sorry I've become so boring.

Well I probably always was lol.

But I'm sorry about mentioning Alex is every single post ever. But I'm trying to not mention him in real life anymore. And he's like all I think about, want to talk about, want just in general.

But I'm glad I have this outlet or all of my sisters would have punched me in the face by now and my facebook would be ridiculous. But I'm gonna try to cool it with the Alex stuff.

So there's supposedly some big snow storm coming here and everyone's saying class is gonna be cancelled and shit. I don't buy it. I just walked all the fuck over campus with one of my pledge sisters from 11pm-1am. Cuz we were bored and want to see random people. The snow storm was supposed to start at 11 and we say nothing.

I'm actually kinda hoping class isn't cancelled tomorrow because I only have one class, and if campus is closed that means the gym would be closed.

So I've noticed I've been updating my facebook status way to fucking much. SO, new rule: I can only update my facebook status for every 5 pounds I lose.

I've gained weight guys, I hate to say it but I have. IDK how much I weigh though, I'll check in the morning and use that as my start.

Oh. I had to put up with one of the downsides of being in a sorority today, bitchiness. In generally the girls in my house are great, but every now and then....ugh.
(Oh.Because of this huge snow storm that's coming some of the older girls who live on off campus apartments are staying at the house tonigh and so they were looking for beds. )
Sister: Hey Haley! You shack like everynight right? So could I like sleep in your bed tonight?
Me: Wellll actually....I don't shack anymore
Sister:.......Oh yeah that's right your boyfriend dumped you! Shit.

I wish I was shacking....a snow day with Alex sounds like the best thing ever right now. Fuck fuck fuck.

Ughhhh I feel like I shouldn't miss him this much still.