Thursday, December 15, 2011

New highest weight?

Okay so I just built up the courage to weigh myself....168.4

SERIOUSLY!? 2 years ago I wanted to die because I weighed myself out of nowhere one time and I was 140.

When I was 16 I was horrified to be 126

When I was 15 I was shorter, like 5'5 but my summer goal was to go from 112 to 105

Before that I never had a scale (my mom was worried we would develop eating disorders, ha) but there were always goals.

Size 0 jeans were baggy on my waist and tight on my legs, I hated my body.

At gymnastics I would walk by the mirrors and want to see my ribs through my leo, I did, but that didn't make up for my huge legs.

I was thin and muscular, but there was still fat, and because my muscles made me bigger anyway, no amount of fat was acceptable.

I made myself throw up my food for the first time when I was 9 years old because my mom complimented my sisters muscles. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. It just made me so upset that I was nauseous and I threw up. I mostly gave up purging by the time I was 14, although I still do from time to time if I get really upset, it's not usually about the food itself. But from there I found calories. And it became a game to see how few I could eat and how many I could burn. And then eventually I would just fall out of the habit and somehow convince myself that I'm happy with my body. I never have, I'm just more and more disgusted.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Obviously, I'm never successful, and ultimately just end up gaining more weight (and it's not because my metabolism is messed or anything, I seriously eat so much when I'm not dieting, I have such an all or nothing mindset). But I think I just need to focus on making the most out of everything. With my goal being to do better today than I did yesterday. If I slip up, I can't throw everything away with a binge. I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet.


  1. it'll be alright darling, just hang in there.

  2. I understand 100% because I am the same why I want to get skinnier and then I convince myself i like who i am and my body but reality is...I hate myself. If you eat small healthy bit of food every 2-4 hrs you wont feel the need to eat a lot. I am here for you if you need anything! xoxo

  3. "I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet".
    SUCH a good attitude to have! You'll get there love, we all will! like SkinnyNinny said, hang in there! <3 xo

  4. I love the positive turn at the end of this post :) Stay strong!