Okay so I just built up the courage to weigh myself....168.4
SERIOUSLY!? 2 years ago I wanted to die because I weighed myself out of nowhere one time and I was 140.
When I was 16 I was horrified to be 126
When I was 15 I was shorter, like 5'5 but my summer goal was to go from 112 to 105
Before that I never had a scale (my mom was worried we would develop eating disorders, ha) but there were always goals.
Size 0 jeans were baggy on my waist and tight on my legs, I hated my body.
At gymnastics I would walk by the mirrors and want to see my ribs through my leo, I did, but that didn't make up for my huge legs.
I was thin and muscular, but there was still fat, and because my muscles made me bigger anyway, no amount of fat was acceptable.
I made myself throw up my food for the first time when I was 9 years old because my mom complimented my sisters muscles. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. It just made me so upset that I was nauseous and I threw up. I mostly gave up purging by the time I was 14, although I still do from time to time if I get really upset, it's not usually about the food itself. But from there I found calories. And it became a game to see how few I could eat and how many I could burn. And then eventually I would just fall out of the habit and somehow convince myself that I'm happy with my body. I never have, I'm just more and more disgusted.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Obviously, I'm never successful, and ultimately just end up gaining more weight (and it's not because my metabolism is messed or anything, I seriously eat so much when I'm not dieting, I have such an all or nothing mindset). But I think I just need to focus on making the most out of everything. With my goal being to do better today than I did yesterday. If I slip up, I can't throw everything away with a binge. I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet.