Thursday, April 26, 2012

Can I tell you a story??

Let's go way way way back. I'm a skinny blonde eight year old at a tiny little gym in rural south dakota. I was on beam, and my coach assigned me to working on leaps. For those of you who have never been in gymnastics- the goal of a leap is to reach a 180+ degree split while in the air above a 4 inch wide beam. Let me tell you, that's a scary thing to do. If your foot comes down even an inch off, you end up "splitting the beam"...which is exactly what it sounds like and hurts like a mofo. So I'm a scared little 8 year old doing wimpy little leaps. It's not that I didn't have the flexibility or technique to do a better leap. And my leaps were alright so my coaches didn't push me to try any more. So I'm doing these pathetic little leaps over and over again, accomplishing absolutely nothing, when I mess up my landing and split the beam. I get up after the fall, in tears from the pain, scared to get back on the beam, and mad at myself for falling. Then I realized one of the most important things I have ever realized in my life. I realized, I'm going to fall on these little leaps occasionally, it's inevitable. I decided, if I'm going to fall anyway, why am I doing these tiny little leaps?? So I got back on the beam and from that point on, I stopped letting my fear hold me back. Yeah, I fell sometimes and yeah it scared me. But because of that, I became one of the best beam workers in the state, eventually earning honors on the regional and national level. I think I've let myself forget that lesson for awhile now, but I'm ready to embrace it again. You shouldn't do anything if you're not going to put your best effort into it, without fear.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

update I guesss

So I'm home. I withdrew from school and shit.

Um I'm really just focusing on doing something positive in my life, and as I have no clue what I want other than my dream body, that's where all of my energy is going.

I'm in a much better mood, but not good enough to even want to think about my low points, so maybe I'll explain later, maybe I won't.

I'll post more later, and get myself updated on all of your guys lives. AND a big thank you to anyone who has commented on my last few posts, I love you all.

and I can't wait til summer <3

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I think life is some kind of sick joke.

Like all I can think is this all must be some kind of a fucking joke.

I've finally realized something that was keeping me from being happy with a person, hours before moving away from that person forever.

My heart is broken and it's my own damn fault, and it has been for like a year and a half.

And I know, I know. It hurts now, and it will hurt less and less with time until finally one day I will hardly ever think about it. But just right now the pain and irony and cruelness of this all is overwhelming me.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

please please help me

I don't even know what to say

-I'm failing all of my classes
-I mean, I don't even do anything all day
-I'm sooooo unhappy
-Friday is the last day to withdraw from school
-My parents have no idea about any of this
-I don't hang out with anyone that I used to
-Alex and I have been off and on all semester
-I love him
-He loves me
-He can't deal with my insecurities
-I can't deal with my insecurities
-But still.......we can't not be in each others lives
-last night I told him I'm dropping out of school and probably won't see him on a regular basis ever again
-he told me to come over and we stayed up til 6am talking and watching movies and avoiding real life
-I'm soooooooooooo sad
-I have no idea what to do with my life
-I have no idea what I even want with my life
-I can't work up the courage to tell anyone this