So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.
So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.
She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.
So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.
And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.
She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.
I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.
The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.
You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?
It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.