Monday, December 19, 2011

Everything is not how it seems

So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.

So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.

She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.

So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.

And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.

She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.

I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.

The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.

You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?

It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.



  1. How absolutely annoying. Hopefully she wakes up one day soon and realizes she's wasting a perfectly fucking good life for what seems like no reason. I say leave her behind, she doesn't sound like she's interested in getting better.

    I'm glad you could relate to what I wrote about mother drama. Yours sounds even worse than mine lol.

  2. I agree with Skinny Love, but unfortunately, I don't think you'll ever see that day. She's so stuck in her ways of loving the attention that she's always going to at least get it from her family and some sort of therapist, as well as all the new people she (eventually) meets: I agree, leave her and move on, I know it's so hard to do, I've been there a few times this last year, but its the only thing you can do. She does not hesitate to stab you in the back like she has, and I can guarantee that if you stick around, she'll continue to manipulate you and will eventually throw you under the bus again, and it could end horribly for you (which we don't want!)
    Goodluck though love <3 xo

  3. That would be so annoying. I would be mad too. I never have done anything for attention. I hate when people do. Like when people cut just for attention. Why can't they do something and get positive attention for it? One day she's going to wake up and realize she has no one left because her "problems" drove everyone away.

  4. It is annoying, but you know... I think that no matter how she says she does it on purpose she doesn't. What I get between the lines is the desperate poor soul who, yes seeks the attetion, but also is too devastated to let anyone help her. She sounds a bit like me few years back... mentally. I was trying to accept every shit that I did to myself and when that became ok, I needed to learn more. I also tested people if I could trust them and that looks like what she's doing (more cruel way that I did, but doing anyway...)

    But anyhow... I wouldn't leave her if you can take it, I mean. Sounds like her drop down there was pretty quick and those just don't happen without a reason. She needs help that's a fact and she lies, plays and is annoying, but she needs you. But not with the cause of your mental health.