Saturday, December 24, 2011

high standards.

I hate myself. My body, how I look. Just everything.

But the funny thing is, I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty good looking. I mean, I'm not just insanely sexy or anything like that, but I look kinda unique, and I'm told on a regular basis that I could model, besides the fact that I'm too heavy and my skin sucksss.

And I think it's that standard that constantly makes me unsatisfied with myself. Like, normal people don't sit there and be like I'm not gonna be happy until I look like a model. But since I'm told that the potential is there, I'm never gonna be happy with anything less than that. Who wouldn't want to be a model??? I would love it, it's not like I have any idea what I'm doing with my life anyway.

also, I had a slight confidence booster today, I bought a diet mountain dew at a gas station tonight and after I left the (pretty good looking) guy working there ran down the street after me to ask for my number. do boys know how much better they can make you feel about yourself????

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Alcohol i love/hate you

I didn't eat all day, and then i had a drink and a couple shots, felt it wayyyyy more than I was expecting--i forgot that I hadn't eaten in 2 days....

anyway i ended up eating chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonalds

I"M SO MAD (and kinda drunk still)

I just want to fast for so long. Why can I not control myself for like more than a couple days. If I could just stop eating for a little bit I would love my fucking life.

I hung out with some pretty cool people though.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Everything is not how it seems

So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.

So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.

She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.

So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.

And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.

She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.

I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.

The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.

You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?

It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.


Sunday, December 18, 2011


So the past 2 days I haven't been eating much at all, like maybe 200 cals a day, which contributed to me being 161.2 this 7 pounds loss in 2 days. Which makes me soooo happy!! But then I was kinda forced to eat dinner today (pork, mashed potatoes and carrots) and also this giant ass cookie. soo idk how many calories that is. For sure less than how many I need a day but I'm still worried I'm gonna gain weight.

My parents also sprung on me that we're going to my aunts house on friday and saturday and my grandma's on sunday and then a whole day car ride home on monday....which is like 10 days I'm not gonna be able to get away with not eating much. I'm gonna be careful about what I eat, but I doubt I'll be able to get too much under 1000 a day. And since I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible before I got to school I'm planning on fasting or mostly fasting until friday and then again after monday.

I NEED TO BE UNDER 150 at the most by the time I go back to school. I would love to be even smaller. Like 140...I would be enthralled by my awesomeness.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Excited for Break!!

Okay so I'm not even in school this semester or working or any shit, so this Christmas break will be like any other day for me, the only difference being, all of my friends are home from school!!! I'm so effing excited.

Also, I know my last post sounded like I was a little mad/sad/idk what but I'm really not. I really think my life is looking up. I made up with 2 of my friends I hadn't been on speaking terms with for 4 and 7 months. One of them was the reason I joined my sorority too, so I took her coming to me and apologizing a sign that I should try to reinstate in my sorority, so I sent a letter to nationals asking them to reinstate my. I need a unanimous decision from the national council to get back in, so I'm super nervous, but it's out of my hands now.

Also today I weight 165.4, which is a huge difference from yesterday and idk how that works but I'm not gonna complain, any loss is good :)

Thursday, December 15, 2011

New highest weight?

Okay so I just built up the courage to weigh myself....168.4

SERIOUSLY!? 2 years ago I wanted to die because I weighed myself out of nowhere one time and I was 140.

When I was 16 I was horrified to be 126

When I was 15 I was shorter, like 5'5 but my summer goal was to go from 112 to 105

Before that I never had a scale (my mom was worried we would develop eating disorders, ha) but there were always goals.

Size 0 jeans were baggy on my waist and tight on my legs, I hated my body.

At gymnastics I would walk by the mirrors and want to see my ribs through my leo, I did, but that didn't make up for my huge legs.

I was thin and muscular, but there was still fat, and because my muscles made me bigger anyway, no amount of fat was acceptable.

I made myself throw up my food for the first time when I was 9 years old because my mom complimented my sisters muscles. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. It just made me so upset that I was nauseous and I threw up. I mostly gave up purging by the time I was 14, although I still do from time to time if I get really upset, it's not usually about the food itself. But from there I found calories. And it became a game to see how few I could eat and how many I could burn. And then eventually I would just fall out of the habit and somehow convince myself that I'm happy with my body. I never have, I'm just more and more disgusted.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Obviously, I'm never successful, and ultimately just end up gaining more weight (and it's not because my metabolism is messed or anything, I seriously eat so much when I'm not dieting, I have such an all or nothing mindset). But I think I just need to focus on making the most out of everything. With my goal being to do better today than I did yesterday. If I slip up, I can't throw everything away with a binge. I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

So I saw this picture on pinterest (obsessed btw) today and just, omg. That girl is perfect. I think she is just perfectly tan and I love her hair color and she is so thin!!

So basically this dumb (perfect) bitch just reminded myself of how I have not been taking care of myself lately. Seriously I'm probably pushing 165-170 which is the brink of overweight, my hair looks bad, my teeth are gross, I'm sooo pale, I NEVER work out.

So I start freaking out and counting down the days until I have to go back to school...and it's only 30 days!!! I hate myself for not doing anything to lose weight at all since like this summer. Idk what I have been thinking, omg.

So I suck at making plans of what to eat. Everytime I make some sort of plan I totally fail. So I'm gonna focus on the other things and hopefully by focusing on my appearance so much, I'll be able to stay on track with eating.

So everyday I'm gonna do
-teeth whitening 2x
-butt workouts 2x
-go tanning..I know it's bad, I don't care.
-actual cardio for 60+mins
-deep condition my hair
-take my vitamins (because they really do help my skin)

And I'm just gonna try to fast and restrict as much as possible.

Idk, I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of help to stay on track though. I'll probs check blogs every spare second I have lol which is good because I've been sooo bad lately.

I am just so disgusted with myself right now :(

Monday, December 5, 2011

My most obvious weakness:)

Oh my. Everything about this weekend was so intoxicated!!

Friday night I had a couple of glasses of wine before heading over to my old second home, the fratcastle of lambda chi for their legendary everclear tea. It's like everclear infused with fruit, it is sooo good, it tastes kinda alcohol-y, but not that much. After 6 solo cups of that, the rest of the night was a blur. But it included a lot of dancing, heart-to-hearts, and party hopping. I lost all of my besties but ended up with people I know, and finally sharing a bed in a dorm with this freshman girl who I want to join my (old) sorority soooo badly. She's totes adorbs!

Saturday night I drank a bottle and a half of champagne while playing drinking games at KA, before moving onto enough redbull and vodkas to blow through half a fifth of vodka while dancing at beta sig, and eventually drinking ATLEAST 10 mixed drinks at lambda chi. Although those 10 were spread out between the hours of 1am and 8am. Yep, stayed up drinking all night. We went outside for a smoke break and boom! all of the sudden it's light out. What theee hell!?

The best part? As drunk as I was, I did zero stupid things! No crying, no starting fights, no sluttiness, no drugs, no shit talking. Just perfect happy, talkative drunks both nights. Brilliant.

The bad part would be that all those drinks were probs like 23506892394 calories. I'm really really getting big. I'm afraid to weigh myself but I know I've gained a lot of weight. Blechhh.

Oh yeah, it was christmas party weekend. This is about halfway through my tea lol