Tuesday, January 24, 2012

feeling better...

well not physically, I swear to god one of my lymph nodes is the size of a ....tangerine?? idk it hurts really badly and I have a fever. But whatevs, my outlook on life is looking up.

I guess I should have known transitioning back to school was gonna be tough. I knew there would be hard classes, bitchy people, bad decisions and just bad nights all together. I can do this though, and it's only the third week of classes, that's plenty of time to turn things around.

Okay so Friday night I had a super bad night, idk what was wrong with me. I went out, but I wasn't even drunk, and I just started crying about like everything, I'm not sure what set it off really. I think part of it was that I was out with my friend, Jay. She's like one of my best friends ever but she's been doing things that are really pissing me off. Like on Wednesday night we went out together and I ended up getting really drunk and like begging to go home, but instead she made me stay at the fraternity we were at, in this guys bed. He was being nice and saying I could sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, and then Jay is like Oh no, you can sleep in your bed with her, I'll just go in this other room, I don't want to be a cockblock, I mean, I don't care if you guys hook up or anything. WTF?? I was seriously getting so dizzy from people playing guitar that I was throwing up...why THE FUCK would I want to hook up with anyone???? It's like she was offering me up for sex, and that was not the first time I've felt like she's done that.

So on Saturday I started drinking in the dorms with my friend, Kay. I learned that not all dormies are super weird. But still most are. So we got DEEERUNK and went out to this huge dance party where I was seriously dancing like an insane person for at least 4 hours. I love dance parties!

AND when I got home at like 5 am this guy I had hooked up with last week FINALLY texted me. I say finally because we kinda made this deal to be friends with benefits, and then we hooked up, and then I didn't hear from him again. It's a long weird story but I think it's gonna work out lol

Anyway, I've pretty much stayed caught up in all of my classes except for calc, and I have my first test in there tonight so wish me luck!! I'll try to get caught up on everyones blogs...sorry I haven't been commenting and posting lately!! That will change I promise!!!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

i want it to be over

I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just so depressed. I've fucked up so many things, I'm like slut of the fucking world. nobody cares about meee

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

nothing seems real

i'm back at school and I hate it. I feel so aloneeee.

My roommate is so weirddd, but luckily she shacks sometimes. I'm pretty sure I'm not even gonna try to reinstate in my sorority. All the girls are telling me I just need to stop hanging out with my old best friend. My best friend is like so loyal, but she gets on my nerves a lot. I think I've grown up some and she hasn't. My other best friend who is coming back this semester after a suicide attempt last semester has already withdrawn from school. Which is exactly what I want to do. I don't like fit in at this school anymore. ughhhhhhhhh

I really just want like a boyfriend. Which is like a stupid thing to say but like, idk having someone I can just like cuddle and watch movies with at the end of the say is seriously needed right now.

I'm being so crazy right now. I'm binging and purging, crying all the time, skipping class, going on crazy homework binges, drinking til I can't stand, hooking up with random people. I know this isn't how I should be acting right now but I literally can't stop. ughhhh