Thursday, December 30, 2010

I bought this dress for my sorority's semi-formal on February 26.

I can't zip it up all the way. (That was planned)

Fuck! I'm really not even close to zipping it up

Time to starve

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Turning a new leaf, right now!!

My plan for tomorrow:
1. Give away all my Christmas Candy
2. Avoid food as much as possible
3. Move as much as possible
4. Shop for some goal clothes

My plan for the next few weeks at home:
1. Don't eat more than 600 calories a day
2. Work out everyday
3. Start reviewing nomenclature
4. Stay away from home as much as possible

My plan for next semester:
1. Schedule 1 hour and a half hours of cardio into each day
2. Schedule 2 hours of straight studying in each day
3. Try to get a job
4. Plan for summer
5. Be the best sister possible
6. Be the best girlfriend possible
7. Don't eat more than 500 cals a day

Merry Christmas....ughhh

Ugh. I ate so much today. And I can't work out. I don't know what to do.

The last couple of days have been really stressful. My family hates me. I think that's finally the truth.

I partly deserve it because I'm such a bitch to them when they're rude to me. If only I could put on a happy face like my sister everything would be fine.

Generally only my mom hates me. Because I really really really hate her. But the other day I checked my email and I had an email from my school. It went along the lines of "You've been dropped from your spring 2011 courses due to lack of financial payment. As a non-enrolled student you must leave university housing immediately"

I flipped shit. I was like screaming at my dad for not paying the bills. And not having a job. And for stressing me out so much. SO he goes on the computer and checks my grades. Then starts screaming at me. I deserve it. I know. But I don't want to hear it. I know I fucked up. I have people I can talk to about it. But not my parents, all they do is make me cry. They are not a positive influence on my life.

I was too scared to check my grades until tonight. My semester GPA is just over a 1. I'm retaking 7 credit hours this next semester. I'm going to have a cap on the amount of hours I can take because of my GPA. I can't get into the classes I had before because they were full then I was dropped. I'm gonna be a freshmen next fall still, unless I can take 9 credits during the summer. Which I will definitely try to do.

What I have taken from this: My parents fuck me up. Reflecting on last semester, I would get really stressed about my grades in classes because I thought my parents would yell at me. And that somehow made me want to just quit. My mood these past 10 days has been terrible. I can't be nice to anyone. I fight with my parents all the time. I think it's best for me to distance myself from them. I want to try to stay on campus for the summer session. That way I'll only be home for like 3 weeks before that and 1 or 2 afterwards. I think I can deal with that. My goal would be to somehow convince some company somewhere that I'm really better than my GPA and get an internship for the summer after that. And maybe just not go home for Christmas and shit. Idk. As long as my parents make me feel like this, I want nothing to do with them.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Detox

Just a quickie here. I've been home for a week with insanely slow internet and creepin parents.

So I've kinda realized my blog has become a sort of list of the drinks I drink and stupid pointless stories about my nights out. Which is sorta what my life has become. Not good. I'm working on changing this guys, promise.

My family is driving to Michigan in a couple of hours to visit more family (family roadtrips, yay!). I plan on spending most of that time sleeping and the rest making lists. I really like to make lists.

I've also thought of 2 new things that will keep me on track, as far as losing weight is concerned. The first, I will make a goal every morning for my eating and working out that day. I will be truthful with myself in this goal because that's my typical downfall. The second is I want to start training for a triathalon. Whether or not I'll compete in a triathelon has not yet been determined. I'm just the competetive sporty type and this will really help bump up the intensity of my workouts.

Love you all, stay strong for the holidays!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Umm Pre-gaming finals week???

So I didn't have the best weekend. Well Week/Weekend. I didn't study for finals. I feel like it's useless now. I'm just gonna fail anyway. I'm drinking my fear/sadness/patheticness away.

Night 1:
Who I drank with: Eleanor. Coolest girl ever. Also very skinny.
What I drank: Sipped tequila with V8 berry blend. Chugged 3 beers. Huge accomplishment for me. I hate beer. But it wasn't Natty Light. So it doesn't really count.
When I drank: like midnight to 2 on Wednesday
Where I drank: Theta Xi. Fuckin hated that place before. But I learned their pledge class is pretty legit. Just the pledges suck
Why I drank: Chrismas Party.
Notes: Met some older Sigma Chi's there. They literally all said "Ohhhhh! She's that girl!?" Yeah. Seriously, like that was 6 guys reactions.

Night 2:
Who I drank with: My big sister, My two big, and another girl in my sorority. Future VP actually.
What I drank: 3/4 of a fifth of vodka. Supposedly. It wasn't my vodka so I was getting shit for it.
When I drank: Thursday night after IM games
Where I drank: Lambda Chi
Why I drank: I'm not really sure. My big sister asked me if I wanted to.
Notes: I got really really really hammered. I got mad at Alex, and I don't remember why. He tells me it was because "I care too much". But that was a result of the fight. I tore down all the christmas lights in the house. I slammed doors like 7 times. I cried in the hallway. I was still drunk when I got to my 2 pm class the next day.

Night 3:
Who I drank with: ummmm just Alex and other guys in his house
What I drank: around half a fifth of vodka. But it was mine this time. No worries.
When I drank: All night
Where I drank: Lambda Chi again
Why I drank: It was Friday.
Notes: ummm it was fun

Night 4:
Who I drank with: Random guys I met in the elevator. Emily, one of my best friend in my pledge class. Some Kappa Alpha's.
What I drank: Shots of Captain with the guys in the elevator. Some vodka and mountain dew. A shit ton of vodka and hawaiian punch that I stole from a KA (you know those giant things of hawaiian punch?), a beer, some strawberry champaign.
When I drank: Midnight to three probably
Where I drank: Theta Xi, again
Why I drank: It was their Christmas party
Notes: It was fun hanging out with KA's. I've gone over to their house Sunday and Monday to study now that I'm friends with them. Alex was really mad that I was super drunk again. I was really really really really drunk by the time I made it to Lambda Chi that night. And apparently some other girl was a fucking trainwreck there and they finally got her to leave when one of the guys saw me falling up the front steps. He ran out to see how drunk I was (He told me that later, I thought he was being nice and making sure I was ok) but decided I was ok. Other guys thought I was worse than the other girl, just more coordinated and less slutty. Who knows.

So I'm completely irresponsible and don't think about my future at all. But atleast I had fun.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Another post right quickkk

My weight goals. I'm posting them RIGHT NOW. So like now I have to do them. idk what I weight right now but I better be under 155 when I weight myself on December 17.

December 17- 155
January 10- 140
January 31- 130
February 10- 125
February 24- 120

I set this up so I'll hit my goal weight 2 days before my sorority's semi-formal. I wanna look gooooood. I'm already looking for a new dress for it. I think once I buy one that's too small for me now I will have a shit ton of motivation.

And I know that's a lot of weight to lose during the holiday season, but I don't care. This needs to be taken care of. NOW!

Boys Boys Boys

OMG I'm confused.

The guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, his name is cody, just really confuses me. I'm like really attracted to him. We've made out on two occasions. The last time was when me and Alex got into a huge fight. I've tried to stay away from his house since then.

But last night one of my sisters asked me if I would please go drink with her at Sigma Chi. Yes, I want to drink. Yes, I like to chill at Sigma Chi. But, no, I really should stay away from there. She promised me we would not be hanging out with Cody. Fine.

We get there, chill with some dudes, play some beer pong. Then Cody walks through the room. A second later I get a text from him, wanna smoke? I can't help myself. Seriously I know I shouldn't but I say yes. So we drive to some random parking lot and smoke for like, 2 hours. We were high as fuck. He's so cool to hang out with. Like seriously, so cool. hmmmmmmm

Reasons why I should like Cody more than Alex.
1. He's way better looking
2. He dresses pretty well. Not extremely well. But quite, Frat. Yes, he definitely has a Frat wardrobe.
3. Adding to that, he always has great shoes. Seriously guys, the shoes make the outfit
4. He smokes weed. I do too occasionally. I like to chill. Alex has never smoked in his life, will never smoke in his life. He judges hardcore when I do. Get off me man.
5. He doesn't really drink. I hate having to deal with drunk Alex all the time.
6. He's liberal. And his religion on facebook says "Peace and love"
7. He's majoring in Petroleum Engineering. They make bank. Like seriously. $80,000+ right out of college. I'm just looking ahead, you know?
8. His family obviously has money. Nice clothes, nice car, nice watch, nice weed.
9. He's in a much more respected fraternity than Alex. I wouldn't get shit for dating a "rambda guy"
10. He's tall. I'm a pretty tall girl. I need a tall guy. Alex is only like an inch taller than me, tops.

So yeah. I don't want to break up with Alex. I really don't. But idk if that's just because I don't know if Cody wants a relationship. Or because I feel like now, Alex could upgrade slightly. If I lost like 20 pounds there's no way he could upgrade. Honestly. And I'm also afraid I'm just being super harsh because Alex and I didn't have the best last few days. They haven't been bad, just not good. Ahhh idk what to do.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Christmas lights and Jello shots

Hey guys! Wassup? I'm just chillin here watching South Park. Cartman's eating Vagisil. Yeah.

So, it's Sunday night. Here are some highlights of my weekend.
1. Well first of all it was CPW. That's right, Christmas. Party. Weekend.
2. Tea
3. I finally got Alex (My boyfriend. I'm sick of calling him Gold. That's just dumb. Idk why I did that.) to go to Beta Sig with me. I <3 Beta Sig dance parties. I don't understand why guys hate going to parties at other frats. Sorry their house is having a better party than yours is tonight, but instead of sitting at your house bitching about how everyone just leaves whenever there's a badass party somewhere, you should probably just go fuck shit up at that badass party. But anyway, it was fun going out with him.
4. Stealing 1 handle of everclear, 1 fifth of svedka, about 1/2 a shot of random liquor out of about 17 random people's rooms (operation GTFO with alcohol), a fifth of Jose Cuervo Gold, 18 jello shots, and a box of Franzia.
5. Wearing ugly Christmas sweaters and Christmas bows!

That's pretty much my weekend. My eating was ok, not as good as it could be. I probably ate around 600 calories everyday. But I drank a ton too. But I mean, it could be worse. Why does every frat house ever have toasted ravioli!? Best drunk food ever. But I managed to not eat any this weekend. Even though everyone was doing it. Fuck peer pressure. LOL

So usually I'm very depressed on Sunday nights. With the weekend being over and all. But tonight I'm just super excited for tommorrow. It's gonna be a great day for several reasons.
1. I just checked my email and the chapter agenda was there. Guess what!!! There's 3 candle lights tomorrow!!! 3!!!!! There has only been 1 other candlelight so far this semester and now all of a sudden there's three in one week. I'm freaking excited. But I'm guessing most of you don't know what a candle light is. It's like this ritual type thing that we do when a girl gets lavaliered ( Gets a necklace with her boyfriends letter on it, it's like a promise ring) or engaged. And it's like a huge secret who it's for. We're putting together creeper lists of girls who are in serious relationships and speculating who it's for. So fun!
2. We find out who gets to move in house next semester. I really really really wanna move in house then. So I hope I get to.
3. Already have plans to drink at Sigma Chi

I feel like there's another reason I'm so excited but I can't think of it now. Gosh darn.

Well that's all I have to say really. Sorry it was kinda boring. And that I didn't have super good news to tell you like I fasted all weekend and ran a marathon. But I am gonna leave you with a link to a great website I just found. It's perfect for killing time and a good laugh. <--- check it out!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Substance Abuse?

So tonight we had a scholarship speaker/dinner thing for my sorority. The topic? Stress. How fitting.

First of all we had to fill out this little survey thing checking off things that have happened to us this semester to determine stress that we're dealing with and we got like a score. Anything over 300 is severely stressed. I got 684.

Next we had to circle symptoms of stress that we've been experiencing. I'm looking, and circling things in the emotional and mental (aren't they the same thing?) columns and I'm like wow I have like no physical symptoms of stress. Weird. Then one girl at my table was like are you serious right now???? She takes her stupid marker and circles SUBSTANCE ABUSE on my paper. I'm like, what? No. And then everyone at my table is like really? Can you remember any weekend?? Then one of my closest friends was like, yeahhhhh think about last night...perfect example.

I was freaking out about my grades during the lecture part of my chem lab. We got released to our labs, I snuck out the door and just left. I considered running away then remembered I have no money. So I went back to my room. Blogged. Mixed a drink. Drank it so fast. Mixed a 44 ounce drink. Went to lambda chi. Watched some Michigan State Basketball (LOVE. Even though they lost.) Hung out with my boyfriend, his brothers, their girlfriends/slampieces, had a good time, felt happy, social, sooo much better.

Anyway. I don't understand what's wrong with that. Alcohol makes me happy and social. I don't rely on it to be happy and social, it just helps. It makes me feel good. I don't get shitfaced crazy on the weekdays. I don't make too many bad decisions. I don't drink during the day like ever. I do get shitfaced crazy on the weekends because I think it's fun. I like to drink and dance. I don't think this is substance abuse AT ALL. I don't even see how it could be. It's really not a problem. It's like what I like to do?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am about 12 seconds away from a complete mental breakdown. Help.

How do I fuck up my life so much?

I'm failing school so bad. I'm probably not gonna be allowed back next semester. I'm serious.

If I can't come back next semester I don't know what I'm gonna do. My parents would KILL me. I wouldn't have my sisters. My boyfriend and I aren't serious enough to do long distance. That would just be over. AND MY PARENTS WOULD KILL ME.

I'm seriously considering running away. Just like disappearing. Please. That's all I want. That way my parents won't kill me. I would still hate my life but whatever.

The biggest problem is I have no motivation to even try harder (or at all) with my school work. This whole failing thing is just freaking me out and making me think I'm not worth it. I shouldn't even go to class because I'm too dumb to learn anything anyway. Why even bother studying for this test? I'm just gonna fail.


And I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Like there is no career waiting for me after working my ass off at this ridicuous school for 4-5 years. There's no fucking goal. Why should I work hard if I don't even know what I'm working for? What the fuck is wrong with me??