Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thinking straight...

Now that I'm caught up with sleep and away from all the sorority drama I feel like I'm finally thinking straight. Ahhhh

First things first, I'm so thinspired. I'm fasting tomorrow. I want to lose 20 pounds before I'm come home again. It's possible, but not probable. I"m so excited for summer. I'll be working (read: making money!), tanning, losing weight, and not dealing with anyone's shit. It's like paradise. And I'll be hot as fuck when I go back to school in August. That's all I can think about right now....

Ok now, time for the big news.

I'm done with Alex. I'm not putting up with his confusing shit anymore. If you aren't gonna make me feel good, don't bother being in my life at all.

You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, don't want to hurt anymore.

Thanks T Swift.

So fasting tomorrow, mall with my recovering Ana friend (will definitely not be letting her know I'm fasting), hopefully I'll get some time in on the eliptical, but I most definitely will not be talking to Alex.

I'm feeling better already.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tell me what you know about dreams.

Didn't go to class at all today. Actually I've only gone to one class all week. I'm so fucked up. I really want to go to class. Like have that motivation. And do well. But it's just not happening. Hopefully spring break next week will rejuvenate me. Or just juvenate, I was never motivated, no need for the re- haha.

Alex and I have been talking on facebook for like at least 3 hours now. It's the first time we've really had like actual convos. The first time we've mentioned sex or anything from when we were dating. There's been a lot of refrencing to when we were dating actually. And there's a lot of insults, which I feel like is because we're getting comfortable with each other again. We've almost gotten into a fight like 3 times now and everytime one of us pulls us back up again.

And my friend's facebook status on the top of my newsfeed is "you can always go back to your soulmate, that's what makes them your soulmate." For the first time I can actually see Alex and I getting back together....not that I'm saying I think he's my soul mate.

I made a rule for my SGD, I can only burn off 300 calories a day, anything else is just extra. I'm doing this because I'll eat a lot and then be like I'll just burn off 1000 calories at the gym. And most of the time I can't do it. I also feel like it's less productive. I lose more weight when I just don't eat than when I work off everything I eat. Idk if that's legit or not, it's probably just miscalculations or something. I mean, a calorie's a calorie.

That's really all I have to say....oh I get to live in house next semester! Apparantly a lot of girls were pissed about what happened and didn't think it was right so they went to the president and offered up their housing contracts for me, without my knowing. I'm extremely grateful to them. This is what sisterhood is.

Monday, March 21, 2011

I can never get away from last semester!!!

So I got SO fucked over today.

We were signing housing contracts at my sorority for next semester today and it was going in order of room pick order. K, I know I'm last in room picks, no big deal. I have a shitty GPA and no positions in the house and I'm a freshman. I get it.

So my name gets called very last and I'm just like whatever. I walk in the room and the president is like, why don't you shut the door and take a seat. So I'm like alrigghhttt.....and then she goes. So I have some bad news for you, we overestimated how many girls are moving out this semester so we hit capacity 2 people before you, you're going to have to move out of the house. And I'm like ummmmm what am I supposed to do? And she goes well we'll help you and the other girl get an apartment together. I'd be cool with that....except we're both freshman so we won't have enough credits to move off campus for another year. WTF

So here's semester from hell following me into next fucking year. I just wanted to leave it all here. God Damn.

We're going to the residential life office tomorrow to see if we can possible move off campus now because we have such a shitty situation. We're totally prepared to cry and make a scene. We're not leaving until they approve us. lol

Alex and I have been facebook chatting for like an hour now about random things. I just told him how I made 3 behind the back shots in one game of beer pong this weekend. Shit like that. What's going on?

Tomorrow I promise I will legitly start SGD. This entire thing is pissing me off and giving me so much motivation. Fuck you all. Well not people reading this. People who are stupid. ughhhhh

And I really want to start working out again. Being sick for like ever really got me out of shape. I literally haven't worked out in like a month. I want to work out so bad!

I want to be skinny so bad actually.

Friday, March 18, 2011

What should be a terrible day makes me the happiest girl in the world.

Things that went wrong today:
1. Slept through my 1 class and missed a 50 point quiz
2. Ate a shit ton
3. Didn't go to the gym
4. Didn't study AT ALL for my chem test tomorrow
5. Didn't start my English paper that's due tomorrow
6. Made one of my pledge sisters really mad, by accident
7. Had to go door to door at Sigma Chi, even though I really don't know anyone there, and try to sell tickets for our fish fry fundraiser tomorrow. It was so embarassing
8. Vandy and Louisville lost. There goes my bracket.
9. Michigan State lost. There goes the only thing that gets me through winter

Things that went right today:
1. Alex texted me, and we just chatted for awhile

Idk why this makes me so happy. Like honestly because Michigan State lost, I should be crying. I cry every year when the lose in the tourny, and this year was especially sad...But Alex texted me towards the beginning of the game and said "Go Michigan State!!" Because anyone who has ever met me knows I'm OBSESSED with Michigan State Basketball. I just texted back yeah. to emphasize the fact that I think it's awkward that he's talking to me. And he just started talking about the game. So we texted about the game all during the game. And that's all.

He did facebook me last night too and it was really weird. He just asked me if I saw this album of pictures on facebook really. After he said like 4 things to me he went offline.

Idk what's going on here. But I'm really excited for tomorrow. First of all, It's Friday (Friday, Friday, fun fun fun fun!) and second of all I know Alex is going to our Fish Fry because I saw the Lambda Chi sign up sheet so hopefully he'll be there. I just have to make it through an all-nighter now, a chem test in the morning, and finish that paper during lunch, then I'll be so free. Can't wait.

SO anyway, here's so pictures I've found from St. Pats

Don't remember taking this picture, I did get in a lot of trouble for that shirt though. It says Rub For Luck. I hate having standards.

Yeah, my forehead days I <3 Vodka. And yeah, the next night when I stepped into the blacklight at that night's party I look at my friend and go "what's on your face?" and she goes "omg what's on yours?" Yeah, still there.

All I remember about this night is having a like 4 hour long heart-to-heart with this guy. And all I remember about the heart-to-heart was us being like "we're such good friends when we're drunk, why aren't we friends sober? We should totally be sober friends."

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep as your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
'cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies' night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I feel like someone did this to me. I don't understand how I can feel like this and he doesn't feel anything at all.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

What's this feeling?

Ah gosh. I feel this way again. Like something's missing. Like home isn't home. Maybe it's just because it's an ending of a huge party and it's been rainy all day.

I had fun last night. I talked to this KA who's on Co-op this semester for a really long time. We made out a lot, actually. In public. Mostly at the bar, when we were like the only people up there. But people definitely saw. So I broke my 2 biggest party rules. Don't make out with a KA and don't make out in public. Ha

At 1:30 Julia and I rolled out and walked like all the fuck around campus. We ended up chilling at Phi Kaps for a while because I'm kinda talking to a guy there. Well, I was. This was the first time Julia met him... the second we walk out the door she goes "You know he looks exactly like Alex, right?" I was like no way....then thought about it. They're practically fucking twins. What the hell.

Speaking of Alex, he texted me today. He was like I just want to apologize for making what happened 2 fridays ago personal. I really was just trying to tell you that you aren't welcome over here anymore and I'm glad you actually owned up that you did something wrong. You definitely handled the situation better than I did and I'm sorry.


I think I'm just gonna shower and go to bed early tonight. I'm starting SGD tomorrow. For reals this time.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

With the parties, the disasters, with my friends all pretty and plastered.

So St. Pats is winding down. Last parties tonight. I'm heading to KA in like an hour for theirs, they won St. Pats so they should have a big party. And I want to get started early. Me and Julia are planning a tour de frat for later. That's a secret though.

With St. Pats ending I feel like I'm coming back from some kind of dream. Like, I had my time of moping and sad and then crazy fun, and now I have to be realistic. I need to put my fucking school first. I need to chill out a little bit. I need to lose weight. I need to be happier.

So starting tomorrow, that's where my focus is. I'm gonna clean up my life. It will be what it's supposed to be. I'll have some kind of control.

But I'm just letting it all go tonight. One last time.

Here's to my "freshman year."

Let's Party.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Life's a Bitch, na, better yet a Dumb Broad

I'm so pissed. I don't even know why I'm this mad. I just want to punch someone.

I started off today by having a great day, and then Macke pulled me out of bed and yelled at me to go to class, 10 minutes before I had class. So I like run to get ready and go downstairs to grab a poptart and bottle of water because I HAVE to eat with the meds I'm on. And there's not fucking any. And then I was like why isn't Macke in class? She definitely has class before I do. It just pisses me off so much.

And then Alex's facebook status is fucking retarded and I just want to punch him in the face.

And everyone is fucking drunk as fuck and I can't fucking drink. Like St. Pats is a major holiday. This is like not being able to participate in Christmas. But watching everyone else around you have fun, and even babysitting them, and finding them sober rides, and bringing them water in bed, and holding their hair back, and listen to them cry their drunk little hearts out about their dumb boy, when that's all I want to do.

And I just get yelled at all the time.

And I'm just fat and ugly. And lazy and dumb. And not interesting at all. Did I mention fat and ugly???

I have nothing going for me.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I never should have said that, that's the very moment that I wish that I could take back.

I really really really fucked up. About 7 weeks ago, when I woke Alex up to talk. What the fuck. I'm pretty sure I still love him. And I really shouldn't. He hates me. Literally, I'm pretty sure he would punch me if he saw me.

Anyway, I'm not black balled from Lambda Chi. Just as far as their members are concerned I'm not welcome at the house anymore. That's a quote from Alex though so idk how true it is.

I talked to Lambda Chi's on Saturday night and most of them just felt bad for me. And they were pissed. They said Alex and 2 other guys are really just making a huge deal about everything and that everyone is pissed and totally on my side. And I mean they talked to me like all night so I believed them. But noboday has talked to me since they had a meeting on Sunday night so idk if they're actually my friends. Like they should have at least told me the outcome. So idk. I feel like maybe nobody is supposed to talk to me...

I'm just really sad. I'll never have Alex back now. And it's just so dumb.

Oh and my tonsils got really swollen on Sunday and I literally like couldn't swallow and it was like the worst pain of my life so I went to student health today and the doctors freaked out and they STILL don't know what's wrong with me. They gave me steroids though and I am starting to feel better. I have to go back tomorrow though to follow up, they might send me to the hospital if they don't think I'm significantly better :(

Why am I such a fuck up?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Black Balled.

So I'm black balled from Lambda Chi. Well I probably will be, they're voting on it at chapter tomorrow. Black balled means like banned. Alex texted me and said "You're not allowed over here ever again, ever!" I know he got great pleasure from being able to say that.

Stop being a douche.

I don't like you anymore. I kinda hate you.

So what'd I do to deserve this? Girls are usually black balled when they've slept with too many guys in the house. Yeah, not me...I've only slept with one.

I was at Phi Kaps last night and Suzy and Ryan are there. They ask me if I want to go smoke with them. Sure, why not? We sit in a car at Lambda Chi and smoke. That's probably the killer. If it were anywhere else we'd all probably be cool. Anyway we decide we want to go to McDonalds and get the sober driver. The sober driver is a retard and decides to drive without his lights on. It was like 3 fucking AM. So we get pulled over, the car reeks of weed. We're all drunk and high. We're all underage. But there's nothing in the car. We get separated and talked to, but we all stuck to our story and we got off fine. Not even a minor in possesion by consumption. We were so happy.

Until we got back to Lambda Chi. We were literally locked in a room while a bunch of guys talked and they wouldn't let us leave. Eventually a guy came in and yelled and shit and then he was like Haley you better leave, you probably don't want to be here in the morning.

And now it's today and Alex sent that text and Suzy won't really talk to me and I'm super afraid this is gonna get back to my house and I'll get in trouble here.


And I didn't eat McDonalds. By the time we got there it was the fucking breakfast menu.

I'm so fucking pissed.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

St. Pats is in the air!

Everyone's wearing green, freshman are carrying around carved sticks and biting the heads off snakes, drunk St. Pats reps are screaming 8 DAZEEEEEEEE! to anyone who walks by. This is St. Pats. Parties start this weekend. I'm excited.

ummm update on my life: I went to the doctor because my throat started hurting and I got hives, I don't have mono. They sent me home with a shit ton of medicine. I haven't been doing SGD. It's just too hard when I'm sick. I'm really trying to focus on getting better, and forcing myself to workout and not eating is not heping. But as soon as I'm feeling completely better I will start SGD. Which could be as soon as tomorrow. I'm feeling pretty good today. I went to all my classes, finally.

I'm really really really ready to party. I'm trying to convinve my best friend from South Dakota to come here next week since it's her spring break. I hope she does, I haven't seen her since spring break last year. I feel like I might just be a fucking shit show for a week straight. And I'm gonna enjoy it.

Question: Do you count March as spring or do you wait to the first official day?

Anyway, I have half a handle of vodka and an entire fifth of vodka saved up. And I have money for at least another handle and mixers. That should get me through these next 2 weeks lol. I'm listening to fratbeats and it just makes me want to party so freaking much.

And you know what? Fuck Alex *****. I thought about using his full name, because that's a saying around here but decided against it, what if he like googles his name or something?

This Pike added me on facebook and I'm pretty sure I've never seen him before. And he's facebook chatting me and was like "I got your back" and I was like "Gee that's nice of you, considering we've never met before." Stop being a creep, Pike.

Question again: Do you ever talk to peo[;e just because they make you feel better about yourself? I surround myself with girls who immitate me and guys who would do anything for me. Oddly enough my best friends are the ones who don't try to act like me and they guys I like are always kinda assholes to me.

That Pike just told me "helping people occupies my time." what the fuck? Oh fuck he just said we should hang out sometime.

I was just thinking, I'm like THE classiest person in the world. I say fuck at least 50 times a day. I'm really super sarcastic, usually in a really rude way, I'm drunk on average like 4 times a week, ALL of my pictures go on facebook, I really have no filter with what comes out of my mouth- I say terrible things sometimes.Oh well, it's who I am and it's funny.

I love when I'm talking to people and I don't care what they think of me. Like people who I know would love to be me, or with me. There are a few people like that. And I can act however I want in front of them. It's great.

Anyway, I don't even know why I'm rambling so much. I should go to sleep early so I get better. Yeah, I'll do that. Bye guys