Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I've stayed up all night for two consecutive nights now. What am I doing with me life? I really need to start writing a paper that's due in 4.5 hours, but I don't feel like it. That's all I have to do all week really and I can't even do that. And a good grade on this paper could be the difference between failing out of school and being here next year to get some 4.0's for the rest of my life. lol

Um so my weekend was really interesting. I got arrested. No big deal. Really I was just trespassing and I didn't know it, and all that happened was I'm getting referred to my school's like student disipline thing. I should be able to talk myself out of any trouble.

*Talking about going to Vegas Spring Break 2013, when I'll only be 20, so not able to get into casions and shit.*
Julia: Haley will be able to get in. She can talk herself into anything.
Joy: She can talk herself out of everything too.

Idk what relevence that has.

Me and probably 5 of my pledge sisters are doing an end of the year power hour at KA. It's super cute. It has pictures of us from all year and then quotes we've said to mark each minute/shot. I fucking love my pledge sisters.

I've been eating a ton. And freaking out about eating a ton too. Idk why I do this. Whenever I'm most nervous about food or feeling the fattest I just eat all the time, even though it just makes me really anxious. I've had like 3 panic attacks in the last 2 days, because I feel fat. Idk maybe I'll get control of this soon. It's making me feel like shit.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less

Wow. Apparently I was in serious need of some butt kicking.

Thank you, Jackie, for giving that to me. Thanks for the reality check and ideas and helping me realize that I AM better than this.

And mostly thank you for making me realize that Alex sucks.

Soooo glad I can say that.

Needless to say, I have some new found motivation and self respect and it's exactly what I've needed. I was able to go out last night and not get trashed. I still drank and got a little silly, but definitely not out of control. The craziest thing about last night? The guy I was hanging out with most of the time. He was a nice, innocent guy. He talked to me about school and how his house can help me anytime I need it. He bought me some drunk Huddle House at like 1 am. He taught me how the guys in his house climb onto the roof of my house. And we chilled on the roof and talked for a few hours. And when it was time for bed he walked me to my front door and gave me a hug. Interesting.

I'm obviously off track with food and not feeling the best about that but I will do better tomorrow, I promise.

Thanks to anyone who is reading this just for caring enough to read.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Drunnkkkkkk! and in serious need of some advice.

I'm really really really sorry guys
but I am drun k as fuck.


but anyway

I love Alex. Seriously. Like, end of story.

I didn't love the security. or the fun. or the entire house of guys who automatically have to like you. or just having a boyfriend.

I love him. I knew it after hanging out with him like twice. there's something about him that no other guy will ever ever ever be able to match.

That much I know.

What do I do? I want to die without hi,m. which sounds pathetic as fuck. But he literally made my life. wtffffffffuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. I miss him so much. but he won't talk to me seriously. and he doesn't care because he just doesn't think about it. that' is a quote. what the fuck. I could do way better than him but I don't want to. hwe was perfect. for me. I wish I would have never listened to my friends because they turned out to not be true friends. he was the real deal, they were'nt

so anyway advice? I just need advice in general. I need a lot of help.

I need this, you can't deny you feel it, it's either or. Tell me it's over, everything you hoped for. tell me either way, I know you know I never let this go.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Maybe I've been listening to my Hippy Pandora station too much but...

Fucking A! Do you ever feel like it's all completely hopeless? That's how I feel like on a daily basis. I feel like I should just feel like dying, but I never really feel like that. I always just wanna run away. I'm a hippy at heart, I can't imagine myself staying in one place too long, staying with the same people all the time. I'm a free spirit.

The trouble is, I've become so attached to people here. And this place. This is where I want to be and the people I want to be with. And I may well just fail out of school. What the fuck Haley? And why am I actually caring about people?

I noticed it first last semester, when I thought my parents would take one look at my grades and never let me come back. And I thought, oh my god, I'll never see Alex again. It would never work long distance, I want to be with him all the time. Well turns out, 2 weeks into the next semester there was no such thing as me & alex, so idk maybe I just should have done that before I got too attached to anything else.

Truth is, I got scared of committment. And the partying was seductive. I gave up the boy and the grades for what I thought was a good time. I have never been so wrong in my life.

Then this weekend. I went up to a different school with one of my pledge sisters, Joy. Joy and I have gotten really close this semester and she's the one person I can really talk to about my problems, she knows everything about me. So we drink a little and start being like you're my best friend blah blah drunkness blah and then she and her boyfriend get in a fight and she runs out of the party and wants to just go to sleep. So I stop her, talk to her, tell her if she loves him she won't make a big deal about it, god knows I wish I could go back and be in this situation and make the right decision. She goes you're right, you're always right, never dramatic. I can trust you with anything, in fact, you know how I had an accident the night before initiation and had to be initiated later? I had tried to kill myself that night.

Woah, what!?

That wasn't even the most surprising part though, my reaction beats it by far. I just collapse and start balling. Like I legitimately could not stop crying. I wasn't even drunk so these weren't drunk tears. Just the thought of losing Joy, or almost any of my pledge sisters just reduced me to a crying mess.

So um, I can't leave these people. I have to be responsible and deal with shit instead of just running away. And I have to put up with the possiblity of losing these people too. Not everyone will be here with you forever. The people you have are here now, but tomorrow's another day. So live, laugh, love.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I just want to be skinny. So skinny and perfect and happy and confident. And wanted.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'll grow old, start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate.

I think I like to disappoint. idk. It's like if I always disappoint, people stop expecting things from me.

But I'm sick of being disappointing. I have my math final on Thursday and I'm studying my ass off for it. My GPA is not gonna be good this semester, but that's no reason to just quit. I can still make my GPA good enough to not fail out of school. I have the power to make or break this.

Same with losing weight. I've been to scared to put my actual weight on here lately because I've let it get too high. Well as of this morning I weighed 160.8. Disgusting. This will change though. Today I've eaten 2 ribs and a peice of corn on the cob at dinner. And I worked off 250 calories at the gym. So idk what my intake was exactly but I'm not eating any more for the rest of the day so I should be good. Tomorrow's wednesday so I'm doing alcohol calories only.

As I mentioned, I had dinner. Wait, I actually attended dinner. Girls in my sorority say they never see me unless I'm at a party. Well, here's my effort to be closer to you all. I'll be attending our sisterhood retreat on friday too, even though it's gonna cut into my partying time. And I may even go to our intermural soccer game tomorrow even though it's at the same time as the wine and cheese social. Maybe.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I think I'm slowly getting over Alex. Signs from this weekend:
1. Soberly ignored his drunk booty call (friday)
2. Drunkenly ignored his sober booty call (saturday)

Friday was really boring because of dry campus. I only texted Alex back at all because I could tell he was drunk and I wanted to know where people were drinking. He was at the bars. SO no luck.

Saturday I went to KA because they promised they'd have a tea. Their tea was a little strong, even by my standards. Strong enough for Rule #1 to go out the window.

Rule #1: Don't hook up with KA's

I've broken Rule #1 3 times now. Once the night me and Alex broke up. And that's a secret I've never told anybody. I just made out with the kid on the sober ride to KA. idk why. Once over St. Pats with this KA who's on Co-op, so that's like the only time I've ever seen him. And then Saturday night....

So same kid as the sober ride incedent, Jake. We've flirted back and forth all year but I've never allowed anything to actually happen. So uhhhh idk what happened. I remember going up to the penthouse, looking for some of my sisters, and when I got up there it was only Jake and another freshman KA and 3 DOL's. DOL's are disgusting and trashy and should not be allowed in the penthouse. I just sat down at the bar and I'm pretty sure I did a shot of vodka.

Next thing I remember I'm walking down one of the bedroom hallways with Jake. Walking the direction like we came out of his room. Idk. Next thing I know, we're in the shower. Shower sex is tricky sober, when you're blacked the fuck out it results in a bunch of extremely painful bruises. Just a little life lesson there.

And then afterwards I went like back out to the party. One of my sisters was like "Haley why is your hair all wet?" uhhhhhhh idk, it's raining? I got put to bed shortly after that.

So this is the sort of thing I should feel bad about. But I really don't feel bad about it at all. I mean, it was good. And I didn't think about Alex at all that night. Maybe this is what I need to get me through the rest of this terrible school year. I'll be your sorostitute if you'll be my frat slam?

Friday, April 8, 2011

My crazy, beautiful life.

Today's a beauti-fucking-ful day. My school's annual Block Party is tonight. A total Geed-run event, but I'm sure it will be fun.

Last year I came to visit this school during the block party, and it was a day exactly like this. I never would have guessed that I would be here in a year. Or how fast it would go by.

Lessons learned:
1. Sometimes you do shit because it needs to be done, not because you want to.
2. Opening up to people, no matter how vulnerable it makes you feel, is totally worth it, most of the time.
3. Opening up to people means eventually having to let go of them.
4. Whatever happens, happens. But it's not like you don't have any control in what happens.

What I've gained:
1. 80+ sisters who are and always will be there for me.
2. Confidence in who I am.
3. Experience, in so many aspects of life.
4. 14 pounds :(

What I've lost:
1. Somebody constantly making me do the things I have a hard time making myself do (Parents!).
2. That feeling that there is nowhere where I truly fit in. I've found my niche. :)
3. My terrible temper.
4. My purse, and jacket, and phone, and wallet, and vodka, and water bottles (8 I think?), and camera, and shoes. Most were relocated the next morning :)

What I'll never forget:
1. Sisterhood, my faith in it may waiver from time to time, but in the end it's what keeps me together.
2. My first love.
3. That I am a very interesting person. I can be the life of the party and influential in ways I had never thought of. Which is a good thing to keep in mind at all times.
4. That through everything that has happened this year, even with feeling terrible and depressed and overwhelmed most of the time, this has been the best year of my life, and I hope there are many more like it to come.

I wouldn't trade this year for anything. I wouldn't change anything about it. I've laughed, partied, loved, made mistakes, cried, learned, and repeat. It was worth it all.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Cause lately I'm not dreaming, so what's the point in sleeping? It's just that at night I've got nowhere to hide.

I haven't eaten all day. I don't even want to. Food sounds repulsive.

Today I started SGD and as I didn't eat anything or drink anything with calories, I'm under today's limit. Yay!

I also worked out enought to burn over 300 calories. So today's intake is -300.

I'm gonna try to not eat for as long as possible.

I made an appointment to see a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist through my school. I'm going in tomorrow and I guess I'm gonna fill out some things and then talk to one person randomly for like 20-30 min and then they'll recommend who I should be seeing for like actual sessions. I'm kinda nervous for this.

I don't think I'm gonna talk about like food problems or weightloss with them though. I'm finally doing well and losing weight like I want to, idk want it to start seeming like a bad thing. And I'm not anywhere close to underweight so it's not really an issue.

Anyway, I hope I'll be able to keep up this fast through tomorrow. That'd be great. I need a win right now.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

idk what i'm doing

I hung out with my straightoutofrehab ana friend all day thursday and friday. She's seriously so tiny though. Unlike me. But it's awkward with us. I'm the one who caused her eating disorder. Well I feel like I am. She picked up on my weird eating habits and caught me throwing up and crying once. She tells me it's not my fault, but I'm not sure.

She also tells me I need help. She's afraid I'm about 3 feet away from becoming an alcoholic. I am too. She says even if I'm not in a starving myself or purging phase, I've had an eating disorder ever since she's met me. And still do. Non-purging bulimic is what she called it. She's right, again.

And on top of that all I'm so stressed about school, money, friends, and Alex. I should really see a therapist or something. But I think they would just say I'm being dramatic.

And I TOTALLY failed at not talking to Alex. He texted me on Thursday because I had made my facebook status text me your name so I have your number because I lost all my contacts. He asked for the story behind that..."Knowing you there has to be some crazy story about how you messed up your phone." No, just switched phones with my sister and something got messed up with the back up assistant thing.

He texted me again tonight and my heart stopped when I read it. "What's with all the emotion things?" He said he had gotten drunk and emotional the night before and he doesn't know what happened, he just started thinking about stuff\. What stuff? idk he doesn't want to talk about it. Which is why he brought it up? And then we started talking like normal convo stuff and he told me to come over, to his house which is like 150 miles away. And we joked about that. And that time we hooked up. and our relationship. and then the conversation was over.

And I'm obsessed. What the fuck? I don't do this. I don't care. Ever. Period.