Thursday, December 30, 2010

I bought this dress for my sorority's semi-formal on February 26.

I can't zip it up all the way. (That was planned)

Fuck! I'm really not even close to zipping it up

Time to starve

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Turning a new leaf, right now!!

My plan for tomorrow:
1. Give away all my Christmas Candy
2. Avoid food as much as possible
3. Move as much as possible
4. Shop for some goal clothes

My plan for the next few weeks at home:
1. Don't eat more than 600 calories a day
2. Work out everyday
3. Start reviewing nomenclature
4. Stay away from home as much as possible

My plan for next semester:
1. Schedule 1 hour and a half hours of cardio into each day
2. Schedule 2 hours of straight studying in each day
3. Try to get a job
4. Plan for summer
5. Be the best sister possible
6. Be the best girlfriend possible
7. Don't eat more than 500 cals a day

Merry Christmas....ughhh

Ugh. I ate so much today. And I can't work out. I don't know what to do.

The last couple of days have been really stressful. My family hates me. I think that's finally the truth.

I partly deserve it because I'm such a bitch to them when they're rude to me. If only I could put on a happy face like my sister everything would be fine.

Generally only my mom hates me. Because I really really really hate her. But the other day I checked my email and I had an email from my school. It went along the lines of "You've been dropped from your spring 2011 courses due to lack of financial payment. As a non-enrolled student you must leave university housing immediately"

I flipped shit. I was like screaming at my dad for not paying the bills. And not having a job. And for stressing me out so much. SO he goes on the computer and checks my grades. Then starts screaming at me. I deserve it. I know. But I don't want to hear it. I know I fucked up. I have people I can talk to about it. But not my parents, all they do is make me cry. They are not a positive influence on my life.

I was too scared to check my grades until tonight. My semester GPA is just over a 1. I'm retaking 7 credit hours this next semester. I'm going to have a cap on the amount of hours I can take because of my GPA. I can't get into the classes I had before because they were full then I was dropped. I'm gonna be a freshmen next fall still, unless I can take 9 credits during the summer. Which I will definitely try to do.

What I have taken from this: My parents fuck me up. Reflecting on last semester, I would get really stressed about my grades in classes because I thought my parents would yell at me. And that somehow made me want to just quit. My mood these past 10 days has been terrible. I can't be nice to anyone. I fight with my parents all the time. I think it's best for me to distance myself from them. I want to try to stay on campus for the summer session. That way I'll only be home for like 3 weeks before that and 1 or 2 afterwards. I think I can deal with that. My goal would be to somehow convince some company somewhere that I'm really better than my GPA and get an internship for the summer after that. And maybe just not go home for Christmas and shit. Idk. As long as my parents make me feel like this, I want nothing to do with them.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Detox

Just a quickie here. I've been home for a week with insanely slow internet and creepin parents.

So I've kinda realized my blog has become a sort of list of the drinks I drink and stupid pointless stories about my nights out. Which is sorta what my life has become. Not good. I'm working on changing this guys, promise.

My family is driving to Michigan in a couple of hours to visit more family (family roadtrips, yay!). I plan on spending most of that time sleeping and the rest making lists. I really like to make lists.

I've also thought of 2 new things that will keep me on track, as far as losing weight is concerned. The first, I will make a goal every morning for my eating and working out that day. I will be truthful with myself in this goal because that's my typical downfall. The second is I want to start training for a triathalon. Whether or not I'll compete in a triathelon has not yet been determined. I'm just the competetive sporty type and this will really help bump up the intensity of my workouts.

Love you all, stay strong for the holidays!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Umm Pre-gaming finals week???

So I didn't have the best weekend. Well Week/Weekend. I didn't study for finals. I feel like it's useless now. I'm just gonna fail anyway. I'm drinking my fear/sadness/patheticness away.

Night 1:
Who I drank with: Eleanor. Coolest girl ever. Also very skinny.
What I drank: Sipped tequila with V8 berry blend. Chugged 3 beers. Huge accomplishment for me. I hate beer. But it wasn't Natty Light. So it doesn't really count.
When I drank: like midnight to 2 on Wednesday
Where I drank: Theta Xi. Fuckin hated that place before. But I learned their pledge class is pretty legit. Just the pledges suck
Why I drank: Chrismas Party.
Notes: Met some older Sigma Chi's there. They literally all said "Ohhhhh! She's that girl!?" Yeah. Seriously, like that was 6 guys reactions.

Night 2:
Who I drank with: My big sister, My two big, and another girl in my sorority. Future VP actually.
What I drank: 3/4 of a fifth of vodka. Supposedly. It wasn't my vodka so I was getting shit for it.
When I drank: Thursday night after IM games
Where I drank: Lambda Chi
Why I drank: I'm not really sure. My big sister asked me if I wanted to.
Notes: I got really really really hammered. I got mad at Alex, and I don't remember why. He tells me it was because "I care too much". But that was a result of the fight. I tore down all the christmas lights in the house. I slammed doors like 7 times. I cried in the hallway. I was still drunk when I got to my 2 pm class the next day.

Night 3:
Who I drank with: ummmm just Alex and other guys in his house
What I drank: around half a fifth of vodka. But it was mine this time. No worries.
When I drank: All night
Where I drank: Lambda Chi again
Why I drank: It was Friday.
Notes: ummm it was fun

Night 4:
Who I drank with: Random guys I met in the elevator. Emily, one of my best friend in my pledge class. Some Kappa Alpha's.
What I drank: Shots of Captain with the guys in the elevator. Some vodka and mountain dew. A shit ton of vodka and hawaiian punch that I stole from a KA (you know those giant things of hawaiian punch?), a beer, some strawberry champaign.
When I drank: Midnight to three probably
Where I drank: Theta Xi, again
Why I drank: It was their Christmas party
Notes: It was fun hanging out with KA's. I've gone over to their house Sunday and Monday to study now that I'm friends with them. Alex was really mad that I was super drunk again. I was really really really really drunk by the time I made it to Lambda Chi that night. And apparently some other girl was a fucking trainwreck there and they finally got her to leave when one of the guys saw me falling up the front steps. He ran out to see how drunk I was (He told me that later, I thought he was being nice and making sure I was ok) but decided I was ok. Other guys thought I was worse than the other girl, just more coordinated and less slutty. Who knows.

So I'm completely irresponsible and don't think about my future at all. But atleast I had fun.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Another post right quickkk

My weight goals. I'm posting them RIGHT NOW. So like now I have to do them. idk what I weight right now but I better be under 155 when I weight myself on December 17.

December 17- 155
January 10- 140
January 31- 130
February 10- 125
February 24- 120

I set this up so I'll hit my goal weight 2 days before my sorority's semi-formal. I wanna look gooooood. I'm already looking for a new dress for it. I think once I buy one that's too small for me now I will have a shit ton of motivation.

And I know that's a lot of weight to lose during the holiday season, but I don't care. This needs to be taken care of. NOW!

Boys Boys Boys

OMG I'm confused.

The guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, his name is cody, just really confuses me. I'm like really attracted to him. We've made out on two occasions. The last time was when me and Alex got into a huge fight. I've tried to stay away from his house since then.

But last night one of my sisters asked me if I would please go drink with her at Sigma Chi. Yes, I want to drink. Yes, I like to chill at Sigma Chi. But, no, I really should stay away from there. She promised me we would not be hanging out with Cody. Fine.

We get there, chill with some dudes, play some beer pong. Then Cody walks through the room. A second later I get a text from him, wanna smoke? I can't help myself. Seriously I know I shouldn't but I say yes. So we drive to some random parking lot and smoke for like, 2 hours. We were high as fuck. He's so cool to hang out with. Like seriously, so cool. hmmmmmmm

Reasons why I should like Cody more than Alex.
1. He's way better looking
2. He dresses pretty well. Not extremely well. But quite, Frat. Yes, he definitely has a Frat wardrobe.
3. Adding to that, he always has great shoes. Seriously guys, the shoes make the outfit
4. He smokes weed. I do too occasionally. I like to chill. Alex has never smoked in his life, will never smoke in his life. He judges hardcore when I do. Get off me man.
5. He doesn't really drink. I hate having to deal with drunk Alex all the time.
6. He's liberal. And his religion on facebook says "Peace and love"
7. He's majoring in Petroleum Engineering. They make bank. Like seriously. $80,000+ right out of college. I'm just looking ahead, you know?
8. His family obviously has money. Nice clothes, nice car, nice watch, nice weed.
9. He's in a much more respected fraternity than Alex. I wouldn't get shit for dating a "rambda guy"
10. He's tall. I'm a pretty tall girl. I need a tall guy. Alex is only like an inch taller than me, tops.

So yeah. I don't want to break up with Alex. I really don't. But idk if that's just because I don't know if Cody wants a relationship. Or because I feel like now, Alex could upgrade slightly. If I lost like 20 pounds there's no way he could upgrade. Honestly. And I'm also afraid I'm just being super harsh because Alex and I didn't have the best last few days. They haven't been bad, just not good. Ahhh idk what to do.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Christmas lights and Jello shots

Hey guys! Wassup? I'm just chillin here watching South Park. Cartman's eating Vagisil. Yeah.

So, it's Sunday night. Here are some highlights of my weekend.
1. Well first of all it was CPW. That's right, Christmas. Party. Weekend.
2. Tea
3. I finally got Alex (My boyfriend. I'm sick of calling him Gold. That's just dumb. Idk why I did that.) to go to Beta Sig with me. I <3 Beta Sig dance parties. I don't understand why guys hate going to parties at other frats. Sorry their house is having a better party than yours is tonight, but instead of sitting at your house bitching about how everyone just leaves whenever there's a badass party somewhere, you should probably just go fuck shit up at that badass party. But anyway, it was fun going out with him.
4. Stealing 1 handle of everclear, 1 fifth of svedka, about 1/2 a shot of random liquor out of about 17 random people's rooms (operation GTFO with alcohol), a fifth of Jose Cuervo Gold, 18 jello shots, and a box of Franzia.
5. Wearing ugly Christmas sweaters and Christmas bows!

That's pretty much my weekend. My eating was ok, not as good as it could be. I probably ate around 600 calories everyday. But I drank a ton too. But I mean, it could be worse. Why does every frat house ever have toasted ravioli!? Best drunk food ever. But I managed to not eat any this weekend. Even though everyone was doing it. Fuck peer pressure. LOL

So usually I'm very depressed on Sunday nights. With the weekend being over and all. But tonight I'm just super excited for tommorrow. It's gonna be a great day for several reasons.
1. I just checked my email and the chapter agenda was there. Guess what!!! There's 3 candle lights tomorrow!!! 3!!!!! There has only been 1 other candlelight so far this semester and now all of a sudden there's three in one week. I'm freaking excited. But I'm guessing most of you don't know what a candle light is. It's like this ritual type thing that we do when a girl gets lavaliered ( Gets a necklace with her boyfriends letter on it, it's like a promise ring) or engaged. And it's like a huge secret who it's for. We're putting together creeper lists of girls who are in serious relationships and speculating who it's for. So fun!
2. We find out who gets to move in house next semester. I really really really wanna move in house then. So I hope I get to.
3. Already have plans to drink at Sigma Chi

I feel like there's another reason I'm so excited but I can't think of it now. Gosh darn.

Well that's all I have to say really. Sorry it was kinda boring. And that I didn't have super good news to tell you like I fasted all weekend and ran a marathon. But I am gonna leave you with a link to a great website I just found. It's perfect for killing time and a good laugh. <--- check it out!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Substance Abuse?

So tonight we had a scholarship speaker/dinner thing for my sorority. The topic? Stress. How fitting.

First of all we had to fill out this little survey thing checking off things that have happened to us this semester to determine stress that we're dealing with and we got like a score. Anything over 300 is severely stressed. I got 684.

Next we had to circle symptoms of stress that we've been experiencing. I'm looking, and circling things in the emotional and mental (aren't they the same thing?) columns and I'm like wow I have like no physical symptoms of stress. Weird. Then one girl at my table was like are you serious right now???? She takes her stupid marker and circles SUBSTANCE ABUSE on my paper. I'm like, what? No. And then everyone at my table is like really? Can you remember any weekend?? Then one of my closest friends was like, yeahhhhh think about last night...perfect example.

I was freaking out about my grades during the lecture part of my chem lab. We got released to our labs, I snuck out the door and just left. I considered running away then remembered I have no money. So I went back to my room. Blogged. Mixed a drink. Drank it so fast. Mixed a 44 ounce drink. Went to lambda chi. Watched some Michigan State Basketball (LOVE. Even though they lost.) Hung out with my boyfriend, his brothers, their girlfriends/slampieces, had a good time, felt happy, social, sooo much better.

Anyway. I don't understand what's wrong with that. Alcohol makes me happy and social. I don't rely on it to be happy and social, it just helps. It makes me feel good. I don't get shitfaced crazy on the weekdays. I don't make too many bad decisions. I don't drink during the day like ever. I do get shitfaced crazy on the weekends because I think it's fun. I like to drink and dance. I don't think this is substance abuse AT ALL. I don't even see how it could be. It's really not a problem. It's like what I like to do?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I am about 12 seconds away from a complete mental breakdown. Help.

How do I fuck up my life so much?

I'm failing school so bad. I'm probably not gonna be allowed back next semester. I'm serious.

If I can't come back next semester I don't know what I'm gonna do. My parents would KILL me. I wouldn't have my sisters. My boyfriend and I aren't serious enough to do long distance. That would just be over. AND MY PARENTS WOULD KILL ME.

I'm seriously considering running away. Just like disappearing. Please. That's all I want. That way my parents won't kill me. I would still hate my life but whatever.

The biggest problem is I have no motivation to even try harder (or at all) with my school work. This whole failing thing is just freaking me out and making me think I'm not worth it. I shouldn't even go to class because I'm too dumb to learn anything anyway. Why even bother studying for this test? I'm just gonna fail.


And I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Like there is no career waiting for me after working my ass off at this ridicuous school for 4-5 years. There's no fucking goal. Why should I work hard if I don't even know what I'm working for? What the fuck is wrong with me??

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Uggggh.. where's the vodka?

So after feeling pretty good about how I did yesterday I go to my first class of the day. I'm just surfing my facebook when I see one of my sister's status...

"Just waiting for class to be over so I can go to Einstein's for breakfast!"

OMFG. Einsteins! I want a freaking bagel. Sooooo bad. I try try try to get that idea out of my head. But a bagel sounds soooo good.

After reading some blogs I decide it's not worth it and walk back to my dorm after class instead of getting food.

Then I was just chillin. Watching TV, trying to wake up actually for the day. And I just lost all control. I walked all the way across campus again for that god damn bagel. And a coffee cake. And a cookie.

Like WTF. Just kill me please. I ate it all. Even though I felt sooooo sick. I tried to throw it up but I couldn't. College has made me like nervous or something about purging. I don't want to be throwing up in a public bathroom. Especially when I have 4 sisters living on this floor with me. If people knew....FUCK. Not that they would think that I'm mia or anything. Obviously I'm not. I'm fat as fuck.

On top of all that, today is 100 daze. See, my school is obsessed with St. Pats. Like seriously there is a ten day celebration and we get a couple of those days off of class. Apparently it's just 10 days of being drunk like all day. I've been hearing about some 6 am parties. "Kegs and Eggs" "Drivers and Donuts". It goes without saying that I'm super excited for this. I'm probably an alcoholic.

ANYWAY there's supposedly huge parties at 100 daze and 50 daze. Last night at chapter our St. Pats chair (Yeah. We have a St. Pats chair. It's that big of a deal)Sooo anyway my big sister turns to me and is like WHAT!? so there's a party? right? let's go! But so far I haven't heard of any parties, except for at bars which I don't care about because I'm only 18 :(

BUT if I do hear about a party the chances of me going and getting trashed are soooo high. I haven't partied the past 2 weekends, with the exception of pre-gaming black friday. But that was just me and a friend sitting around drinking and chat hopper-ing. No dancing. No Boys. No Beer Pong. So it doesn't count. And I really wanna party. But alcohol has calories :( Efffff. I don't know what to do with myself.

I wanna screaaaaaammmmmmm!!!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 1. Obviously I am out of practice

Sooo I'm starting this 75 day thing again. Seeing as last time it didn't work out the way I'd hoped.

I was home for 10 days for Thanksgiving break. Of course I binged like crazy. I'm afraid of the scale now. I'll weight myself on Wednesday...

I want to lose 15 pounds between December 1 and January 1. Then another 5 between January 1 and January 10 (when I go back to school). Then just keep losing until my hip bones stick out nicely and I have that gap between my legs.

Today I've eaten:
1 packet of diet hot chocolate~ 25 cals
Spinach salad with tomatoes and french dressing~ 250 cals (I really don't know)
1 bowl of soup~ 120 cals

sooo total would be umm around 395 calories.

I also went to the gym:
20 minutes on the bikes~ 100 cals
50 minutes on the eliptical~ 400 cals
Then I tried running for 20 min, but after about 5 I had to stop :( ~ 40 cals

So I burned over 500 at least. So I'm glad I burned more than I ate. But it was sooo hard. I used to burn like 800 cals at the gym like it was nothing. While I was eating about 500 cals. I'm so shakey and like, not there right now. It's ridiculous. But I know this is just gonna take some getting used to. I need to get back to where I was.

Drunken Lament

Self loathing is quaint
You told me, showing restraint
Now you're gone, and I'm lost
In the swells, I am tossed.
I'm bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog.

You said forever, tell me why can't you stay?

I'd ride in your pocket all day
but I just don't fit, say the word and I'll change
I'm throwing a party tonight, I drink more than a sailor on shore
Pour the rum in my eyes, tell me lies.

Ohhh drunk. Since Saturday.
Without you, without restraint
It still stings, where you stung
water swings in my lungs
I'm starving for words that would ration my sadness away.

Tell me forever, tell me you'll come back and stay.

Just thought I would share a great song (By Ludo, youtube that shit.) and some great thinspo.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

It's now or never.

I've been putting off this weight loss thing. I've made up so many excuses. I even tried to convince myself that I was happy with my body. I was planning on just pigging out over thanksgive break and then getting back to this. But I always do that. I'm starting now. No more, I'll start tomorrow, or next week. Nope. I'm starting now. I will be skinny.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


I really don't know what to say. There's just too much to say so everytime I start writing I stop because I just ramble. So I'm gonna try to sum up my last I don't even know how long with a list. In chronalogical order for the most part.
1. Gold said he didn't want to see me for an entire week. And he stuck to that. Even when I freaked out one night and was about to be done with him.
2. I spent most of that week trying to focus on initiation stuff but all I could really think of was Gold. Fucking lame.
3. I got initiated. Best experience of my life. Seriously.
4. I met Gold's mom and some other random family members. Yes, it was the first time we had seen each other in a week, and yes he did wake me up at 8 am (the morning after initiation, so that's like 2 hours of sleep?) and ask me to be at his house in like 15 minutes to meet them. Yeah, of course I can get ready to meet your family in 15 minutes!!! WTF.
5. I think this gets me to last week...I'm not sure though...anyway
6. I made a new rule for myself, No partying on the weekend if you miss any classes.
7. I went to every single freaking class.
8. Gold and I were better than ever. Seriously last week with him was AMAZING.
9. I hung out at my sorority more than ever. It's starting to feel like home.
10. Oh. I got really drunk Monday night in the dorms LOL. We were gonna do P90X, which turned into watching a movie, which turned into drinking and watching a movie, which turned into making ridiculous drinking games pertaining to the movie.
11. I got really drunk Thursday night at KA. Me and my friend Emily were bored and her ummmm not boyfriend? is a KA so we went over there. I'm not really sure what was going on but it was fun.
12. I got really drunk Friday night at KA as well. Friday night was crazy there. Like I've really never seen that many people there. And KA is definitely a house that my sorority hangs out with a lot. And we're like their favorites. We're pretty much all of Frat Row's favorites. And that's me being humble. Anyway I was really drunk and I danced a lot. maybe kinda slutty too. but I slept with Gold that night so no cheating.
13. I got really drunk Saturday night too. I drank 2 Four Loko. I was at Beta Sig. That's about all I know. I passed out in my room. Gold came over unannouced at like 5. He was being super asshole-y. He complained about everything I do that annoys him. And I was like wtf. He was also being way more aggressive than usual.
14. Gold told me last night that one of their pledges saw me at Beta Sig then texted another guy in the house asking if Gold and I are still together. When he said yes, the guy at Beta Sig was like what a cunt she's all over some guy. Gold saw it and flipped out. That's why he came over. When he found out I was all over some guy as in dancing. He was like oh, yeah, that's called DANCING. He gave that pledge some demerits for calling me a cunt.
15. I ate a shit ton. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have no self control.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

I'm a failure, but I can change.

Ok so I hate to have to tell you guys this after that last post. Cuz I was so happy and all. But, I'm completely failing at my 75 Days to Happiness. I haven't even lost any weight. If anything I've gained weight. So I'm making some new rules for myself. And hoping that the willpower I have now will carry over to tomorrow (and the next day and the next day and the next day.....) and help me stick with this. So here's the rules:

1. Only 500 calories a day (It's my go-to number).
2. Must do an hour of cardio a day.
3. Must stretch
4. Must walk everywhere (well almost everywhere, I'm not about to walk four miles on the highway to walmart).
5. Anytime you want to eat (outside of planned meals) you must:
a. finish 32 oz. of water
b. still hungry? do 100 situps
c. still hungry? do ten minutes of chem homework (killing two birds with one stone?)
d. still hungry? Walk to shrenk hall and back
e. sitll hungry!? REPEAT!
6. Must take the stairs all the time. This includes up ten flights to my dorm room. Trust me, it's exhausting.

So I'm gonna try to update this everynight on how I'm doing. Maybe if I know I have to post how I'm doing to the entire world through the internet then I'll actually try to do well. I hate disappointing people.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Individually Unique, Together Complete.

That's what the back of our bid day shirts say. And exactly how I feel about my sorority. I realized tonight, that I've come so far from my self-hate filled highschool years. And it's only been like 3 months. I know I have a lot farther to go, but I'm getting closer. And I know I'll get there one day. My sorority has given me all those things I've always been missing. It's filling that hole in my life that I've always felt, but never understood. It completes me.

It's amazing to have to many girls who genuinly love you always there for you. Plus some of these girls are very thinspiring!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

If I were you I wouldn't take me back, just let me down.

That's really all I have left to say about Gold. I really do want to be with him.

But he's distracting me from more important things. Like losing weight. This blog has done a pretty good job at making me seem like I only have a little tiny, occasional problem with my body. Let me clear this up for you.

I HATE MY BODY. There's so much wrong with it. I can never be happy when I'm this fat. Never. I can't eat more than 400 calories without hating myself. My complete lack of self control is ridiculous. It's what I hate about myself most.

I want to be skinny so bad. A size zero instead of 8, please. A size 8 is seriously disgusting. It's overweight. Way overweight. But everyone today thinks it's normal. Someone even called me thin today. What is wrong with the world!? How can someone think that a girl who weighs close to 160 pounds is thin!? That is so wrong. Anything more than 125 can never be thin. Anything more than 135 can't even be healthy. Just we live in a world that's so obsessed with being fat.

Recently I've been binging a lot. HORRIBLE. This needs to stop now. It's ruining my 75 day plan. Because of this, for the next 10 days I'm gonna keep it under 300 calories consumed a day. And over 600 burned. Fuck fat. It's time for it to be gone.

A perfectly worked for stomach. fABS!

I just love this :(

I want her life.

Monday, November 1, 2010

OK. Seriously. This entire thing with Gold has been on my mind ever since it's happened. I really don't think I've been able to completely focus on something else all freakin day. And I'm worried the rest of my week is gonna go a little something like this. I'm rambling/talking/crying to everyone I know gives the slightest fuck. It's pathetic. But really the longer this goes on, the more confused I am about it. Like, seriously? What the world?

1. Oviously he likes me a lot because I've cheated on him twice and he didn't break up with me, right? Right? Right? I mean, I definitely would have broken up with myself in this little scenario. Unless I really really really wanted to be with....myself. Awkward. Anyway, maybe it's not the same magnitude for him but still, he wants to be with me after I've cheated on him twice. Nuff said.

2. He told me he doesn't want to see me this week. What does that even mean? I know he's mad and probably needs space but a week seems like a very long time. And like everytime I tell a guy I don't want to see him I actually mean get your ass over here now and TRY to prove yourself to me if you even want a chance. But I don't think boys are that cryptic. Are they??

3. K. He said he doesn't want to see me this week, which may or may not be legit. But he didn't say he doesn't want to talk to me this week. Of course I haven't talked to him since, but it's only been like 10 hours tops. So is talking included in seeing? Or does he want me to talk to him. And by talk I mean text- it's our main form of communication. I feel like he definitely didn't mean don't talk to me for an entire week. But I do think he wants me to leave him alone for at least today. But IDK. I don't want to wait until it's too late. So what's the appropriate length of time to wait in these situations. Is there like a precedent for this or something? And I don't even want to begin to think about what I'd say if I did text him!

4. The timing sucks. This will for sure be wrapping itself up by Friday/Saturday. Unfortunately I'm on a strict No Booze, No Boys diet this weekend for initiation. And it's not a rule I want to break. But I think it's an important time for Gold and I to talk, if we're even talking.

5.the tickle, the taste of, it used to be the reason but now its just choking me up. That's his facebook status. I googled it (OMG I'm such a stalker!) and the rest of the lyrics look like they're about some cheater/whore of a girlfriend. GOTCHA. They're followed by like 8 comments between him and this girl just saying other lyrics. He said:
*No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
*Well jesus christ, im alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead? cuz this problems gonna last more than the weekend*‎Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,like how to deal with despair, or someone breaking your heart.
*I am not your friend i am just a man who knows how to feel,i am not your friend,i am not your lover,i am not your family
So yeah, idk what to think of this.

I don't know what to do about this! I'm really leaning towards just ending it now because obviously I can't handle being in a relationship. I'm way too much of a flirt. Actually I think I get my one and only super small does of self confidence from male attention, so idk how I can be somewhere and not flirt with guys. And it's not just like when I'm there. I'm texting the guy I made out with on Friday as I write this.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Have you ever been dumped at a KFC????

I'm sad to say I came way too close to that actually happening earlier today. No lie.

WARNING! I feel like this is just going to be a super long post that nobody really wants so read, but this has just like happened/got done happening and I need to get it out before I explode.

So, my weekend. UM. Long story short, I made out with another guy. Almost did more. Almost. That was Friday.

Last night we had a new member retreat for my pledge class. We get initiated next Saturday so this was like one last night of bonding before we go through one of the most important things for us (everyone says so). Anyway, we do some soul sharing and stuff. I managed to keep my body hate a secret. I don't want people knowing that. But I did spill that I made out with another guy. Everyone was like AGAIN!? I had talks with people. I had to think....

Honestly, I've made out with 3 other guys since starting going out with my boyfriend, so I decided I needed to reconsider what was going on. I was thinking if I always just end up acting like I'm single, shouldn't I just be single? My pledge sisters were talking me through this actually. But in the end I decided that I actually want to be with my boyfriend, but if I want that, I have to start being more responsible. No excessive flirting ( which, I feel like, is how I get anything ever...sooooo I'm screwed), no excessive drinking, no excessive frat-hopping. My pledge sisters also convince me I need to tell Gold about this incedent.

Obviously he was pissed. Who wouldn't be? He starts saying shit. Really rude shit. Then finally got really, like, demanding or something? I'll share a text convo.

Gold: When are you getting back?
Me: We can leave as soon as it's light. I just have to wait for someone with a car to wake up.
Gold: Well when you get back come over to my house and you can like sleep or do whatever. And then when I wake up we'll go out for lunch/dinner. But I expect you here asap.
Me: Uh. What? You want me to just like walk in whenever I get back?
Gold: Yes. Come over right away. I guess you can go back to your room and shower and change or grab some clothes if you want to shower with me. Just get here NOW. And be ready to go out to eat when you do.

Like I was super mad when he was saying these things but I was trying to like not freak out on him because he was like half an inch away from breaking up with me. So I just did what he said. I went in his room, it smelled like puke. He's sleeping in his loft and I'm not really feeling like sleeping with him, so I crashed on the futon. He woke me up at like 2:30 and was like we're going to KFC.

So we went there (don't worry, I didn't eat) and it's super awkward. He's like starting me down and I can't keep eye contact. He'll occasionally ask me something like so when was this? Did you not think of the consequences? But usually it was just nothing. I felt terrible, literally. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was actually really afraid I would. Nobody has ever made me physically sick by just making me feel bad. I really couldn't say much or look him in the eyes. We leave without really establishing anything. Drive back, park in front of his house and just sit there for a few minutes.

Finally he's like "I don't want to break up with you, but I really don't want to see you this week." and I'm like uh ok? I was really super glad that he didn't break up with me, but still. Then he was like "We'll just take this week off from each other, you can't see me after Thursday anyway. If your initiation has any kind of moral content, and I'm sure it does, I REALLY hope you take it to heart."

K got it all out. I guess, if it works, this could be a good thing. I spend can this week focusing on not eating, working out, school work, not being a bitch and stuff, and my sorority stuff. This week is really important for my sorority and now I have no distractions. My sisters have my full attention. And that's good.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


re-form (v) - to amend or improve by change of form or removal of faults or abuses.
This is exactly what I need to do, like, it seriously applies to every aspect of my life ever.

* To amend or improve by change of form - Obviously I would love to change the form of my body. Please. I just need to lose this weight.

* removal of faults - ok, I have a TON of faults. Really, I do.
----------1. I can't be happy with other people's success. When someone is better than me I want to tear them down, instead of building myself up. This is something I'm really not happy about. I'm really going to work on this.
----------2. I lie. ALOT. I'm admitting this one time only. And on an anonymous online blog. I will never say this again, or in real life. If I did, a ton of people would hate me. I NEED to stop lying.
----------3. I'm really super lazy. This one is killing me in school. I must get my act together or I can say goodbye to college, my sorority, my boyfriend, all my sisters, my future. It's scary how fast I could lost it all.
I know I have other faults, but these are just the ones that are super problematic/ really bothering me right now.

* removal of abuses - I abuse alcohol. And weed. And I use my drunken/high state as an excuse to do bad things. My boyfriend should seriously dump me. I deserve it.

Sooo this entire thing feels like a ton of self hate or something and you might be worried I'm gonna go cut myself now or something. But don't. It's really just motivating me. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to reform.

I saw this picture in SELF. I freaking love it. She's not like perfectly skinny, but she's close. And she's surrounded by hot guys. This is my motivation to make it to the gym this week.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ya Sick Nasty!

Yeah, I'm sick. I felt it coming on last Thursday, but I had a Chem test to cram for (got a B on it btw!). Then it was the weekend, so if I felt sick at all I just ignored it and partied. Monday it hit me hard. I'm pretty sure I've never felt this bad in my life. I've gone to 1 class so far this week, plus a test. I plan on going to all 3 of my classes tomorrow because I'm feeling a tonnnns better right now...hopefully it lasts because there is a century club calling my name tomorrow night.

Because I've been sick I've had a really lame start to my 75 days thing. I haven't been working out, and I finished a carton of Ben & Jerry's. On the bright side, that's all I've eaten the past 2 days. I weighed myself earlier and the scale said 155. Hopefully it's not a nasty liar!

Yesterday I got an email saying I made it into Math 6! SO yay! I'm not a complete failure. I don't want to check my email now because I'm afraid I'll get an email saying they fucked up and I'm really going to Math 2.

My boyfriend and I have been official for a month now. I feel like I should start refering to him as something other than, my boyfriend. I'll give you guys the code word some of my sisters came up with for him, Gold. So yeah, Gold and I have been officially dating for 1 month. I feel like it's going pretty well....

I got a care package in the mail today. It was a bunch of random stuff and my wool coat. What!? It's cold enough for a wool coat!??? It's definitely getting close. I just remember it being opening week, with no classes, tons of parties, and slip n slides. I wish college was just one long O Week.

So that's about all that's going on here since I've been sleeping my life away recently. Sorry it's so random and retarded!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Everyone says it's part of Greek life. Ever since joinging a sorority the only thing I've heard about it is don't haze. One girl drunkenly told me to sing at a party and she got in trouble for hazing. It wasn't hazing at all. No hazing here.

There's definitely a lot of haze in my life lately. The past two and a half months have seemed surreal. Like a long vacation or something. Soon I'll have to go back home; to rules, parents, homework, boring weekends, and most of all starving. Actually, I had quite the reality check today. I'm in math 4/6. It's math 4 for half a semester and then math 6. I had to take my math 4 final today. Fer sure failed. And I had a C in that class and you need a C to move onto math 6. So it looks like I'll be going to math 2. Fuck. This wouldn't be a big deal if this was seriously the best I could do in the class. Or even anywhere close to the best. But really I haven't been trying at all. This is no where near where I should be. I'm so much better than this. I also found out my Chem test grade...82%. Everyone I told was like BITCH. But really I know I could have gotten an A. I rock at chemistry. I also weighed myself today. After all of that, this still ended up being the worst part of my day. I weigh 160 pounds! This is seriously disgusting. Granted, it was in the middle of the day, I'm sick (don't know if that makes a difference, I feel heavier though), I'm on my period (TMI???), and I was wearing like 5 layers of clothes. Those are all just excuses though. There is NO excuse for ever weighing 160 pounds. This needs to be dealt with.

75 Days to Happiness
Here's my plan. 75 days from now will be the first classes of next semester. Until then....
-Eat 500 calories or less a day. Just do it. No excuses.
-Burn 500 calories or more a day.
-Stretch everyday. It just makes me feel better. Plus it's a nice distraction when you're hungry.
-Don't get caught.

So yeah. That's my plan. The Goal is to lose 35 pounds by January 10. Theoretically it's possible. I CAN do this. I have to.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I was drinking from where I came, when I got here I did the same.

This weekend was mostly great. I got sufficiently drunk Friday night and Saturday night. If it was just that my weekend would have been all great. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a class -5 bitch constantly. -5 for no class at all. A girl in my sorority is trying her hardest to get me to quit. She can really just go fuck herself. The biggest problem with this situation is I'm just trying to ignore her and stay out of it, because eventually everyone will realize that I'm doing nothing and she keeps going. But it's SOOOO hard. Me and my big sis got drunk on saturday night and a heart to heart about it. She told me the other girl came to her complaining about me. Which she thought was the stupidest thing in the world because you can try turning everyone else against me, but you won't get my big sis.....that's where you get caught lying. My big sis told me this bitch was trying to get me brought up to J-board in our house for pre-gaming a social we had on Friday. I'm not gonna lie I kinda did pre-game but just kinda. I drank 1 Nos and Vodka very slowly about an hour before hand. NO WAY you could have noticed I was drunk. There was a big group of people there, but it was invite only so I'm thinking bitch heard about it, couldn't go, but knew I was there.
Oh and I just remembered last night my boyfriend was playing beer pong with this girl in my house for like an hour. Now they're facebook friends. My extremely insecure self is scared. I'll just not eat tomorrow.

Friday, October 22, 2010

It's Back.

I've felt it creeping up on me for weeks now. That feeling where you can never be happy with your body. When you just want to starve. Well now it's here.
I pulled an all-nighter studying for my chemistry test. Well it's only 6:22 AM now. Hopefully I can stay awake until my 8 AM chem test or I'm afraid I won't wake up for it. I didn't really study that much. I was at the library from 7-10 about 80% studying and 20% facebooking. Then I went to my boyfriends house from like 10-3. Then I came back and studied. And by studying I mean studied/showered/studied/pedicure/showered/studied/ran around in my room. People MUST think I'm crazy. I don't know why I took 2 showers. And why I was so obsessed with my feet. And how all of this became my breaking point.
I'm ready now to starve. To work out twice a day. To be thin, at whatever cost.
I've kept putting it off because I could think of excuses as to why I needed to eat. There's no point starting on a Thursday because it will soon be the weekend and I'll be drinking my weight in alcohol. By monday I was so exhausted I needed food to get me through the week. I'm at the point now where there are now excuses. I don't have a choice. I have to do this. I have to lose weight.
I weighed myself just now, for a refrence and I was 157.6 That's the highest my weight has ever been by about 5 pounds. This is disgusting. I took pictures of myself, also. So I can look back in 3 months and be happy about how I've changed. Hopefully by one month I'll be happy about how I've changed...but still want to change more. I don't think I will be happy with my body until I'm below 125. Even then I think I'll want to be lighter. We'll see, hopefully.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Skinny Pants and Some Vans

I'm listening to lil wayne, in a laundry room, at 3:45 AM. I'm also eating a chocolate chip muffin and fritos. I totally fail at not eating. I feel it coming back though. That feeling where only being hungry can make you happy. All I want is to be skinny. Thennn maybe I'll be able to be totally confident and happy. Maybe.
Some updates:
1. The BF and I are officially facebook official. Crazy, right? It's more of a big deal than you think. I've never been in a facebook official relationship. This is a big step for me. He didn't even have to push it, just bring it up. "We've been dating for 3 weeks, I feel like it's maybe time for this to be facebook official." I thought about it for a second and realized that I'm completely comfortable calling him my boyfriend to anyone who asks, so why not put it on facebook so creepers will stop thinking I'm single? I'm really happy about this...really. I just don't want to admit it outloud or to my friends because I'm so scared he'll just break up with me soon. The first time I actually like a relationship the other person wouldn't...of course.
2. Midterm grades are officially up. They suck. I'm really worried. I did homework until 3:15. I'm planning the rest of my week around when I can study for my chem test on Friday.
3. Speaking of Friday, I'm so ready for the weekend. My bio class is already cancelled on Friday and I'm gonna do the best to get my math TA to cancel class too. If he won't I'll just skip and hope he doesn't drop me because he's already warned me about missing class too many times..... anyway I feel like I'm gonna spend practically all my free time from now until 8 AM Friday studying. So 9 AM-5 PM Friday are reserved for sleep. I expect to be showered and ready to go out by 7. I'll pre game at my boyfriends house and then hopefully party with my big sis. Our shenanigans are BAD ASS.
4. Continuing on the weekend, Friday will be a shit show for me because Saturday night is my sororities formal. I don't have a dress. I can't even where a dress. My arms and legs are too fat and that's like all you see when you wear a dress. Plus I'm breaking out on my shoulders really bad. I don't know why. Nobody else ever does. It's really not fair. Anyway, find a formal dress that covers your shoulders. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this situation at all. Obviously I need to find somebody fat enough to borrow a dress from and try to get away with wearing a jacket the entire time. EFFFF. And I don't know how excited my boyfrannnn is about this. He told me he was gonna pre-game with the 2 other guys from his house who are going when I told him there's absolutely no drinking before formal. I asked if I could join them.

Well my laundry needs to be switched and I need to go kidnap my big sis for breakfast. Starve yourself for me, won't you???

Monday, October 18, 2010

When I grow up....

I just wrote like a 5 paragraph long rant about how I'm failing school and my life is ruined. It seriously went on and on and on. I'll sum it up right here in like one sentence. I have no motivation so I'm failing school and will never get into med school so I'll never be a doctor so I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I never know what I'm gonna do with my life. Every career I ever think of turns out not working out. Seriously, I'll make you a list.

1. Artist. This was my first aspiration in life. I was like 4 and I really liked to color. Unfortunately this didn't work out because, well, I suck at any kind of art. Seriously, my 8th grade art teacher gave me B's on all my assignments as long as I would a. not try to do any art and b. not take any more art classes. So yeah, I'm not gonna be an artist.

2. Waitress. I was around 6. Waitresses are nice and bring you food. It seemed like a great job. Then I realized, it's not.

3. Vet. Because I like kittens. But I hate all other animals. And they don't make shit.

4. Gymnastics Coach. I was obsessed with gymnastics. I was ALWAYS at gymnastics practice. It was like the only thing that made sense. Then I quit gymnastics. Still loved it and still wanted to coach. Then I realized they also don't make any money and it costs a TON to start a gym. So if I don't have any money to start a gym, and it won't ever pay off, it'd be more like a hobby, not a career.

5. Physical Therapist. Because gymnastics made me need a physical therapist a lot. So it was somehow linked to gymnastics but is a legit job. Now it seems too easy and boring.

6. Doctor. Next step up. Too hard. Also, it takes to long to become one. I don't think I'll live long enough to ever make it through med school, even if I were smart enough to get in.

I'm sure I've wanted to be other things, but I was super passionate about these things. So now I'm really confused.

Also, my boyfriend just texted me and asked me what I thought about him shaving his head inorder to get extra credit for a speech he's giving tomorrow. I think it's an awful idea but I'm not about to be a super possesive girl friend and tell him not to...I guess it's just hair and will eventually grow back. I just wish he would wait until AFTER formal to look retarded.

Also, I'm terrible at eating like a normal person. I either don't eat or I eat a freakin lot.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


So last night there was free tea at Beta Sig. I love Beta Sig because they have an awesome dance floor and sound system so everyone is always dancing. And they have free tea on a regular basis.
I get there, and one of my sisters comes up to me, makes me promise I won't get too drunk, then we go get some tea together. We taste it, and decide it's impossible not to get drunk.
At some point during the night they ran out of tea :( So when I go to refill my cup I'm hugely disappointed. Luckily there's like 5 guys standing around with mixed drinks and they just offered them too me. Sweet. Guys here are usually pretty stingy with their alcohol, which is retarded because there's not that many girls so one would think they would just be like throwing it at us. But no. Anyway I take on of the drink and it tastes like cranberries. NO way. New Years Eve 2009: vodka+cranberry juice= me throwing up all night. So I don't like cranberry juice. I complain about it and one guy offers to mix me another drink, in the bar in his room.
This is where it gets sketch. I have a bar in my room, come upstairs with me and I'll get you another drink. I'm a little drunk so I roll with it. I get to his room and there is legit a huge bar in their. Like I was astonished. I was so sure he was lying. Then he takes my half empty drink and adds some clear liquor to it. He told me he didn't have vodka (retarded) so I'm thinking it was ever clear. And he was trying to like sneakily add it under the bar. Then he takes my drink, goes in a closet and comes out like 20 seconds later. Really freakin sketch! But I drank it anyway and I was fine. That's pretty much my night. I'll leave you with some texts I sent throughout the night.

9:18pm It's a pink party? Does that mean I have to wear pink?? Oh wait it does't matter I already am.

10:26pm I'm at Beta Sig. Free Tea!

10:29pm I know it's not actual tea, I'm not retaded.

11:35pm Tell me why like 653020 people from my high school are here and I'm schhwasted

11:59 Dude soooory I threw my drinkk at you., i dont know whta i wa s thinking

2:16am it means i'm upstairsss getting more alcohol with soem guy and theres a girl passed out in the cjudal

3:18am So um sorry i was really drunk and you were too in this should just be reguarded whenwe're sober because this is awkward coexi don't want to be awkward.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why College Sucks.

I'm failing. That's why.

I'm not actually failing. I have a D in Chem 1, even though I'm really good at chem. I got a 61% on my first test and an 83% on the second. And I never do the homework because it's all online and I don't have a computer so it's like a lot of work to walk all the way to the library to do chemistry. Don't worry, I did my homework tonight. I don't know what I have in chem lab. I forgot to turn one of the labs in so I'm thinking a really bad grade. I did awesome on the midterm though. I don't know what I have in Bio either but I'm think really bad. I got a 73% on the first test, no clue what I got on the test I had on Monday and I honestly never do the homework for that class because the library computers won't pull up the program we do that homework on. I have a hopefully C in college algebra. I'm taking a final for that next week I think and I need a C in that class to move on to trig for the rest of the semester. Which I hope I do because I need to take calc next semester. Plus my parents would kill me.

I think my parents killing me is the reason I'm freaking out so much about grades. But them telling me to put money into my tuition like they said I wouldn't have to do, instead of buying a lap top is the reason why I'm doing so badly. They were like "It's not like you're taking an English class this semester so I think you'll be alright until the semester. " Sorry mom and dad but they've invented these nifty little things called computers since you've been in school and EVERYTHING is done on them now.

I know I NEED a computer ASAP but I don't want to call my parents and tell them for two reasons. One, I know they're really stressed financially and even buying a super cheap one for like $400 would put a ton of stress on them financially. Second, that would require me to tell them just how badly I'm doing in school. And I really don't want to do that.

Speaking of terrible conversations with my parents. I need to get on birth control. And seeing as I don't have any money, it would be really nice if they would pay for it. And I wouldn't have to feel like a skank and go to Planned Parenthood to get it. I could go to a legit doctor. I just don't want to have that conversation with them. WAY too awkward.

I know you're probably thinking that a lot of my problems would be solved if I would just get a job. And you're right. However, it's like impossible for me to get a job. My parents won't let me get an off campus job. Plus I don't have a car (or a license) to get there anyway. I would LOVE an on campus job, but my school only allows students with "financial need" to get an on campus job. This is where my parents screw me over again. They make a shit ton of money, and then spend it all. So here I am with no money, and the government says I have no financial need. EFFFF!

College also sucks because I'm fat. And fat people can never be happy, obviously.

Sorry for the rant, I'm just feeling so stressed out right now :(

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm sorry...but boys suck

I feel like boys are the driving force behind my body hating-ness. Not that I feel like I need to have a perfect body for them to talk to me or like me. I go to a school that's 24% girls, guys can't be too picky. Anyway, whenever I'm rejected I turn to hating my body. I know you can be rejected by different things, but guys top the list for me. And now that I have a boyfriend I feel sooo much pressure to be thin, so that he doesn't decide that he would rather be with a skinnier girl, or guys will think he's too good for me, or so I'll be able to get with another, hotter guy the second my boyfriend breaks up with me.

That's probably a whole other conversation. I seriously never have relationships. If I do I don't care about them at all. But right now I'm just always afraid that my boyfriend (Gold) will break up with me. Like always. It's all I can think about. Which is probably really irrational. IDK. I just checked his facenbook and his relationship status says single. Not that mine says I'm in a relationship, I would never change mine first. But I at least too my relationship status off of my facebook. And I can hardly see him this week because his house is doing stupid ritual stuff so it's closed to initiated members only. He did come chill with me for awhile last night. In my dorm. And he hates dormies. So I guess he made an effort. I'm just really expecting too much from him. It's not like I own him.

So yeah, I hate my body, but I ate a lot today. I didn't weight myself. I didn't go to the gym. I didn't see my boyfriend. BUT. I did go to class. I did get to have dinner at Applebee's with my big sis, my 2 big, my 3 big, and my 4 big. And I even stole my water glass. badass right herrre.

Monday, October 11, 2010

10 Things About Me

Because you really wouldn't want to read a blog about someone you know nothing about. Or you probably won't even after this. But still.

1. I'm a freshman at a kinda small, mostly engineering school that's 76% guys. You can just imagine how that is.
2. I've hated my body since I was 8. The dieting started then and should have never stopped. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now but I'm sure I'm around 160. I started school about 2 months ago at 151. My goal weight is around 125, for now anyway.
3. I'm in a sorority and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it. I'm not gonna say which one though because I represent it pretty badly.
4. I have a big sister and a little sister. My little sister is my legit little sister. She's in high school and I'm extremely jealous of her. She makes me feel like crap. I got my big sis in my sorority yesterday. I abosolutely adore her, she's like my hero.
5. I'm failing school. I have homework to be doing now actually.
6. I've never had a serious relationship before, but I have a boyfriend now. We've been dating for like less than 2 weeks. Which is actually kinda long for me. I'm really scared that he's gonna break up with me because this is the first time I've been in a relationship where I'm comfortable and not sick of the person after 3 days. We'll see how this goes.
7. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Which is part of the reason I'm failing school. I just have no motivation because there's no reward at the end of all this work.
8. I probably drink too much. I drink the most out of any girl I know. Maybe my big sis beats me...we're perfect for each other. I just love vodka.
9. I have $0.51 in my bank account right now, $26.67 in my wallat, low cal foor in my room, a free gym, and a mostly full fifth at my boyfriends frat. That's all I need.
10. I'm a lot happier than I've been in a long time. Getting away from my parents and from the small high school I went to has been so good for me. The only thing stopping me from being a fully happy and confident person are my issues with my weight.

So yeah that's ten things I can think of right now. My day tomorrow will include weighing myself, going to the gym, and not eating too much. I'll probably go to class and see my big sis. I'll hopefully take a nap and see my boyfriend. I definitely will not eat too much.