Thursday, May 19, 2011

I have no idea as to what to do with my life.

I've been home from school for almost 2 weeks now. I'm not even sure what that means.

I know I'm not meant to have a normal life. I don't want that "perfect" life that people like to act like they have. I want to be a little crazy. I am a little crazy, my actions should reflect that.

Last year before I went off to school I had this major freak out. I was thinking, "Really? Is this it? I'm not doing something crazy and unique with my life? I'm going to college now and being normal."

And then I decided I like college. My college. My friends. But it wasn't my life. Not yet, anyway. I can come back to that, I know. There's all the time in the world for being boring and mature. But you're only young once. I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted my youth.

And it's scary because at the beginning of Spring semester I was so close to going into that perfect life and never coming back. All I had to do was play perfect for awhile.

Instead I went crazy.

So I'm using this summer to come up with a plan of what to do next. What do I need to do now? I need to lose weight first of all. You can't have a crazy, beautiful life without being skinny and confident. I need money too. And a car.

Skinny + Money + A Way Out = Free

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Cinco de Mayo/ Drinko de Haley!

So um I have a final in 3 and a half hours. I'm not too worried about it, it's chemistry, I rock that shit...even though at my school chem is designed to weed out about half of the freshman class. Can't pass chem, calc and physics here? Sorry you aren't meant to be an engineer.

I just got back from a walk with one of my favorite Lambda Chi's. He was drunk and wanted to talk to someone who wasn't in his house, and he's dealt with my drunk ass numerous times so I went. I like talking to him anyway so it's not a big deal, he's chill as fuck.

Today/tomorrow? is my last day here. I'm so sad. 2 of my best friends are already gone and one more might be leaving tomorrow, but I'm trying to convince her to stay for......DRINKO DE HALEY!!!

You see, Cinco de Mayo is a great drinking holiday. What makes it better? After midnight you're celebrating my birthday! So ummmm 8 am final, walk with Sig Nu's to their house where my vodka is and start doing some shots. I plan on being drunk all day tomorrow! fun! I'm about to be sober almost all summer so here's my final party!

I'm probably gonna need to sell some books in order to buy some more vodka lol.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Being Proactive!

So I'm starting a 100 day challenge thing tomorrow. There's a tab for that. But umm me and my ana friend from home are doing it together. We decided to do the nail polish thing with it too, where you like paint one nail for every day you stay on your diet. We also decided that since we are (hopefully) already splitting this into 10 day intervals, we're going to try a new diet every ten days. I feel like this will really help me stay on track since I really don't have to be doing one thing for TOO long. Mind tricks man.

I'm thinking of doing something for every 10 days I stay on my work out plans, but idk what, or what my work out plans are even.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone out there has any diet suggestions to try? I'm looking for extreme low calorie ones, or ones that can easily be turned into low calorie. So far we have raw food only and a fruit fast, which are pretty similar...but we need ideas! Please help!

Have a skinny day everyone!

Monday, May 2, 2011

New Highest Weight and I want to die.

I'm seriously trying so hard not to burst into tears right now because I just weighed myself for the first time in weeks and the scale said


What the fuck. I want to hurt myself so badly right now. But I can't. I have to be calm right now because I have a final in an hour. A final I need to do well on to stay in school. Yeah why are my grades like this???

What was I thinking? Why didn't I try harder with my school work. And Try harder with starving. Or try at all for either.

I can not believe I'm this fat. Panic panic panic panic.


Sunday, May 1, 2011

“Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves”

It's been a crazy couple of days in Haley World. I've decided that I will not be returning to school here next semester. I think that will be the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

There's a reason for this. I moment that pushed me completely over the edge and made me realive that I need to step back from this all and take a break. But it's just a long, boring drunk story. Basically I've learned that I need to stop caring about people who don't give a shit about me. And right now, if I'm really just focusing on myself, I need to be focused on school.

I went from wanting to punch someone in the face, wanting to die, wanting to run away and never come back, wanting to stay here and quit my sorority, to wanting to spend a semester at home, and then come back here, to my sisters.

So my plan is to move home at the end of the week, get a job, save money, take classes at the community college by my house, get awesome grades in those classes, and just focus on me for awhile. I need to learn how to stand on my own, and not rely on other people for all of my emotions, while focusing on school.

I think this will be best for me. I've kept this idea in the back of my mind for awhile now, but I never really had the courage to actually admit that it's the right decision.

I'll have to call my dad tomorrow and tell him about this. He already has an idea that something serious is up because of what happened this weekend, but I'm really nervous about telling him. I'll also have to tell my friends. And talk to the registrar's office at my school to learn about what I have to do to take a semester off. And talk to my sorority chapter's president so I'll know what I have to do to go alumn and then reactivate later. I'd be going crazy right now trying to deal with that alone if I hadn't just finally figured some shit out.