Merry Christmas....ughhh

Ugh. I ate so much today. And I can't work out. I don't know what to do.

The last couple of days have been really stressful. My family hates me. I think that's finally the truth.

I partly deserve it because I'm such a bitch to them when they're rude to me. If only I could put on a happy face like my sister everything would be fine.

Generally only my mom hates me. Because I really really really hate her. But the other day I checked my email and I had an email from my school. It went along the lines of "You've been dropped from your spring 2011 courses due to lack of financial payment. As a non-enrolled student you must leave university housing immediately"

I flipped shit. I was like screaming at my dad for not paying the bills. And not having a job. And for stressing me out so much. SO he goes on the computer and checks my grades. Then starts screaming at me. I deserve it. I know. But I don't want to hear it. I know I fucked up. I have people I can talk to about it. But not my parents, all they do is make me cry. They are not a positive influence on my life.

I was too scared to check my grades until tonight. My semester GPA is just over a 1. I'm retaking 7 credit hours this next semester. I'm going to have a cap on the amount of hours I can take because of my GPA. I can't get into the classes I had before because they were full then I was dropped. I'm gonna be a freshmen next fall still, unless I can take 9 credits during the summer. Which I will definitely try to do.

What I have taken from this: My parents fuck me up. Reflecting on last semester, I would get really stressed about my grades in classes because I thought my parents would yell at me. And that somehow made me want to just quit. My mood these past 10 days has been terrible. I can't be nice to anyone. I fight with my parents all the time. I think it's best for me to distance myself from them. I want to try to stay on campus for the summer session. That way I'll only be home for like 3 weeks before that and 1 or 2 afterwards. I think I can deal with that. My goal would be to somehow convince some company somewhere that I'm really better than my GPA and get an internship for the summer after that. And maybe just not go home for Christmas and shit. Idk. As long as my parents make me feel like this, I want nothing to do with them.