Friday, October 22, 2010

It's Back.

I've felt it creeping up on me for weeks now. That feeling where you can never be happy with your body. When you just want to starve. Well now it's here.
I pulled an all-nighter studying for my chemistry test. Well it's only 6:22 AM now. Hopefully I can stay awake until my 8 AM chem test or I'm afraid I won't wake up for it. I didn't really study that much. I was at the library from 7-10 about 80% studying and 20% facebooking. Then I went to my boyfriends house from like 10-3. Then I came back and studied. And by studying I mean studied/showered/studied/pedicure/showered/studied/ran around in my room. People MUST think I'm crazy. I don't know why I took 2 showers. And why I was so obsessed with my feet. And how all of this became my breaking point.
I'm ready now to starve. To work out twice a day. To be thin, at whatever cost.
I've kept putting it off because I could think of excuses as to why I needed to eat. There's no point starting on a Thursday because it will soon be the weekend and I'll be drinking my weight in alcohol. By monday I was so exhausted I needed food to get me through the week. I'm at the point now where there are now excuses. I don't have a choice. I have to do this. I have to lose weight.
I weighed myself just now, for a refrence and I was 157.6 That's the highest my weight has ever been by about 5 pounds. This is disgusting. I took pictures of myself, also. So I can look back in 3 months and be happy about how I've changed. Hopefully by one month I'll be happy about how I've changed...but still want to change more. I don't think I will be happy with my body until I'm below 125. Even then I think I'll want to be lighter. We'll see, hopefully.

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