SO yeah today sucked.
I thought about Alex all fucking day and I binged hardcore.
I was thinking that I need Alex back now, I hate being awake at 2 AM, not in his bed. And then that he must not really care about me, he must have lied when he said I love you. Because no one would let a little problem get in the way of love, when it took me just a day too long to realize it was a problem. It's a problem I want to and will change so he should take me back if that was really the problem with our relationship. And if he doesn't and waits a while and then takes me back he's a fucking asshole.
And I was crying and crying and crying alone in my room.
Then I went to the bathroom and realized one of my pledge sisters who's really great to talk to was still awake. SO I walked into her room and just burst into tears.
She just hugged me and let me cry for like 5 minutes.
Then we talked.
She explained that Alex is probably hurting as much as I am. But he's the one that's been hurt by me, I just hurt myself. He hasn't been able to trust me (I cheated on him once or twice...) But that was over with after our break. I promise it was. But I never realize that it still bothered him, that he still didn't trust me.
When we talked on the phone he said that maybe we could get back together in the future. Far in the future. Which I just didn't get because if we both want to get back together then why don't we.
Well, my pledge sister explained to me that we can't just go from being hurt and not talking to back in a relationship. (DUH!? why didn't I realize that?) We're gonna need to go back to the start. Be friends again. And it's gonna take a lot of work on my side and he's gonna have to realize he can trust me again. It's gonna take time.
She also said she was surprised with how hard I was taking it "because, no offense, I didn't think you cared about him so much. "
Yeah me either. I never realized. You don't know what you've got til it's gone.
SO I can't obsess about him so much. I have to move on. For now. And if it's meant to be, we'll get back to that point. And it will be better than before. And if not, I'll know how to treat the next guy better. I'll know how to appreciate what I have.
I still wish I could turn back the clock, but it's time for me to look forward.