Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's just not enough anymore.

Nothing is enough for me anymore. I'm never satisfied. I just want....more.

Friday night taught me something about myself. I'm to a point where no amount of alcohol can make me happy. Or get me to that silly drunk careless girl I used to be. I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking, never satisfied.

The partying isn't making my week anymore. I used to live for the weekends. Or the after-hours wednesdays. Or just any random party. It's just not doing it for me anymore.

I was able to eat whatever I wanted for awhile and be happy with it. Fucking carefree. Fuck it.

My sisters were always able to be there for me, be my entertainment for the day. Or if I felt like hanging out with guys, any random guy at any random house would do. Just being around people was all I needed.

Now whoever I'm with I'm not happy.

Whoever I'm with is never who I want to be with.

I"m not saying Alex would make me happy at this point, I have no idea, I'm so confused I'm not sure any one person could make me feel satisfied.

But all I can think about is that he's what it takes. That's what I feel.

And also, I need to starve. I need to. I need that emptiness, that constant progress. And it's great because I don't think I'm doing it for anyone but myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

except myself.

I'm so lost.

My heart's empty but my stomach's not.

I just want to be able to reverse that statement.

*Day 2 of not drinking or talking to Alex*

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