I am disgusting

Okay so I took pictures of myself this morning, and I'm really really really gross looking. Scratch that being healthy thing, I really just want to lose weight.

I can't bring myself to post the pictures until I have something better to compare them to, but I promise that will be soon. I weighed myself this morning and I was 163, but I've been eating and drinking all day almost. Candy and alcohol, exactly what I need.

I think I'm gonna start trying to eat like 800-1000 (healthy) calories a day, with occasional fasts. No more drinking for awhile. And I plan on doing 2 cardio workouts a day. I NEED to lose this fat before I go back to school. There is literally nothing appealing about me right now, it's sooo disgusting. Girls like me can't look like shit. I have got to get myself together.

OMG BOY NEWS!

"omg skype NOW! and check your facebook."

That's the text I woke up to. So I rolled over, opened my laptop, immediately get a video call from my best friend and pull up my facebook.

Guess who's all of a sudden in a facebook official relationship! Confusing boy. WTF. AND the comments on his changed relationship status are like "finally" "it's about time" WTF x2

So I guess this is why he's been so confusing lol I'm not really mad, even though I got like, totally played. I'm just like super confused (of course). I mean, he hung out with me literally all last weekend. I guarantee you he did not see this other girl once. And I know she was in town, I saw her....I used to party with this girl from time to time. And he's been blowing up my life with texts. Soooo like wtf happened there??

Whatevs, I'm over you confusing boy. You were barely taller than me anyways.

Okay sooo I was feeling a lot better today so I decided to get an eliptical work out in....I DIED. After 20 minutes. What the hell. My eliptical also said I burned 300+ calories....in less than 20 min??? I would seriously highly doubt this if I hadn't been completely fucking wiped out. I know my eliptical at my house is really different from the ones at the gym butttt idk this doesn't make any sense.

I also did a short work out at the soccer fields by my house. I also died then. I'm soooo out of shape. And I can barely do 10 pushups. How did I let myself get sooo fat?? Whatever, I have to start somewhere, and I'll only see improvement from here on out.

Things I think about at 3 am

- I'm really sorry if my comments sometimes suck. I'm seriously the worst advice giver ever. And I never have been able to deal with a cryer (not that you all are cryers lol) I hardly ever do hugs. I probs need to get in touch with my compassionate side.

-I'm still effing sick. I've been popping vitamin c like House pops vic, soo no gym again today. Luckily I'm basically on a soup/juice/water diet.

-I've kinda decided that confusing boy is...just that, fucking confusing. I don't really think it's going anywhere. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it, but it's a lot of effort for anything else to happen there...

- One way I know I've grown up? I totally fail at texting. Like, what's the point if you're not inviting me somewhere, telling me when we're meeting, or telling a totes vital piece of gossip. I CAN'T HAVE A TEXT CONVO ABOUT JUST WORTHLESS SHIT. It's lame and time consuming. That's probably why I'm done with confusing boy, too much texting and not enough hanging out. Maybe next semester when I'll actually see him more than like once every 2 weeks. But who knows.

- My best friend is a drunk ass fucking spoiled (fat) bitch. And a terrible influence on me. And everyone is getting really annoyed with her. But she's still my best friend. I would really prefer prettier friends, but ones I can talk shit to and drink with work too. But when I go back to school I'm gonna need to branch out, she's not ready to grow up.

- My other best friend tried to kill herself and dropped out of school. She took a bunch of pills, left our sorority house and went for a walk around this creepy ass town in the middle of the night. And who does she call crying? Me. I promise I'm not a heartless bitch, and I really did not mind at all listening to her cry and secretly texting someone who was closer than 90 min away from her to help. But really, whyyy me. Idk what to say! I never do! But I'm glad I know what's actually going on in her life, because she lied to everyone else about why she's leaving school and stuff. I really do love her and hope she can get through this.

-My little sister 5'6, 120 and looks like the tiniest person in the world. Which is making me think maybe I could be happy with being like 130 since I have a good 3 inches on her.

-I have 70 days until I start school again. CANNOT FUCKING WAIT.


Can I please look like this?????

Sorry

I'm sick. I've been sleeping like 20 hours a day for the past 2 days. I'm starting to feel better though. I'm just gonna drink some juice and get more sleep. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to actually leave my bed and workout.

Whyyy do I have to be sick for Halloween weekend?? Not like I would look good in costume anyway so it's probs for the best.

I will lose weight before I go back to school and look better than all the bitches who talk shit on me. End of Story.

Okay, sleepy time.

Oh yeah, STL Cardinals make me wanna vom.

.........life

I've been failing miserably at this whole being healthy thing. I've only been to the gym twice since I decided all of that.

I do kinda have an excuse though, I'm back in my college town this weekend. I went there Thursday night because I had a meeting with my department chair at the school on Friday morning. The meeting went well, and I'm pretty sure I'm officially going to be a student there starting in January.

Okay now, this weekend is mostly about confusing boy. I ran into him friday night right before the guys in his house were gonna go on a beer run. I convince them to buy my some vodka, go over to the house to pick it up, and just end up partying there all night. Blah blah blah party party party, I end up in confusing boys bed, we make out, cuddle and sleep. Nice night :)

SO saturday night there's a big party at another house and my friends made some bad decisions at confusing boy's house, so I'm sent to pick up our left over alcohol by myself. Confusing boy suggest we play a game of drinking south park before I head to the other party. Yeah sure, why not? It turns into like 5 games of drinking south park and we end up just staying in his room all night. And finally having sex. Well idk if it's finally since it's like the 5th time we've hung out...but it seems like a finally. And we banged for like ever, seriously. And then we cuddled and fell asleep. He's a really good cuddler. He texted me about an hour after I left that morning and we kept texting all day.

And then last night (Monday) I went over there and watched TV with him. And then I just left at like 2 am. And then we texted some flirty texts back and forth. And then I left town.

So really, idk what's going on there, and I'm still confused. So he's still gonna be called confusing boy lol. I tried really really hard not to like him, buuuuuttttt.

I also have a lot of girl drama going on in my life. And one of my best friends is in a really bad place. It just seems to be a lot of work to write all of that down. I think that's why I like having a guy (sorta) to distract me.

I don't like to check blogs while I'm at school because I'm always using someone else's computer and I feel like they'll notice or something...sooo I'll try catching up on everyone's posts today!

New Design!! and New Me!

So I have totally 100% decided that I'm through with always wanting to starve myself and be (super)skinny. I've been obsessed with my weight since I was 8 years old and where has that gotten me? to 165 pounds. Wtf. Something doesn't make any sense there.

I've decided that I want to focus on what my body can do, not what it looks like. Of course I will be a lot happier if I lose weight, and I pretty much need to lose weight to do a lot of the things I want to do, but I no longer want to look dainty or a size 0. And I'm sorry if I'll lose some support/followers over this, I love you all, but if you decide to no longer follow me I don't really care.

Okay so here's what I do want:
-to be able to run a half marathon (eventually)
-in general, get into my old gymnastics shape
-and after that start doing CrossFit
-I want abs
-I want to be strong
-I want my flexibility back
-I want an amazing butt
-I want to eat healthy
-I want to treat my body with respect

I'll still be trying to lose weight for awhile here, so don't freak out guys. But don't expect daily calories in or out or anything like that. Hopefully I'll still be able to motivate you with workouts and healthy meals and such.

I'm not hungover and I wasn't the biggest drunk ass last night #successs

I'm not the same girl I used to be.

On friday my best friend from school surprised me and brought me back to school for the weekend. I had a really fun time, mostly because a lot of people were gone for the weekend and I was almost never at my old house or with girls from there who I'm not extremely close to.

On friday we went to lambda chi, and I was having a seriously amazing time. I used to hang out there all the time when I was dating alex, so I'm really close to a lot of the guys in the house and they're all just really chill all the time. When it got later and I got drunker I lost my friends and ended up in alex's room playing never have i ever with about 8 people. guys kept saying things that would obviously have pertained to mine and alex's relationship and we were just kinda joking around and being friends. The game died down and alex's fuck buddy showed up and this a KA was telling me i should go over there so we kinda went our separate ways. But this KA is the biggest douche in the world. I've probably mentioned him before, idk. We got in a fight and I ended up never leaving lambda chi's driveway. So go back in the house and just lay down on a couch and think I'll crash there cuz it's like 3am and i'm drunk. Well alex calls me after a bit to make sure i got somewhere and i'm just like no i'm downstairs could i maybe borrow a blanket from you? and he tells me just to sleep on the extra bed in his room. so i go up there and we're sitting on our separate beds just talking and having a good time (it felt like a slumber party or something). he somehow convinces me to sleep on his bed so i'll stay warmer..which was legit i was shivering so much i was shaking and he's supppper effing warm. so i fell asleep cuddling with him. and then i woke up idk how much later to him kissing my neck. and that led to us messing around.

okay so next day, confusing boy texts me and asks if i want to get something to eat with him and some guys in his house. and i'm like yeah sure. it ends up being just us, which is chill, probably less awkward for me because i don't really know too many guys in his house. I end up going to his house that night with 2 of my friends and just chilling there. another super chill party. confusing boy is hanging out with me a lot. we end up alone together a lot, mostly just outside looking for things such as my phone, purse, whatever the fuck else i lost when i decided to do cartwheels down the street. we got in a water fight using the water cups from the beer pong tables so i'm soaked and i go up to his room with him to get a sweatshirt and we just end up laying in his bed talking, arguing who's sleeping on the bed and who gets the couch. well, he kept saying i should take the bed but he just kept laying on it...which i was totally cool with lol. but then my friend called me crying and i had to deal with her drama for like an hour and when i came back, confusing boy was asleep on the bed. And i didn't want to just crawl into bed with him, so i slept on the couch. And I left town before he even woke up in the morning.

So about confusing boy, the first night we met we were both really drunk and did ummm shit. But the next day we hung out sober and he was legit. And we've kinda been texting since then. but it's confusing in general because i'm not living there this semester. and then on top of that, we're really just a lot alike so i can see how this could all be like a just friends thing. especially since he legitimately does have a lot of friends who are girls. so idk. i do kinda like him, but i'm trying not to think about it.

okay sorry that was so long and rambling, i'm super tired and about to pass out. i'll catch up on blogs tomorrow, promise.

I gotta admit, a lot of shit got to me.

I miss fear.

Seriously, I miss fear. I was watching this video on this girl who does CrossFit (which by the way, is INSANE) and she's a former gymnast like me, and says something like, When I stopped doing gymnastics I started missing that feeling of fear, I miss that feeling. And that is exactly how I feel. I also miss working out with a purpose, like doing something I like, that I get to compete at, and have goals. I need a new sport, but I'm 19, which is too old to start most sports competetively and most sports aren't thrilling enough for me. I'm feeling kinda healthier lately, I'm more concerned with making myself strong and healthy. Putting good things into my body and making my body do amazing things. That's the goal anyway. And I also want to lose weight. But maybe this kind of approach will appeal to me a bit more. And my enter key isn't working right now so I feel like this just looks like a giant ramblefest sooo I'll stop with that. I'll try to check out everyone's blogs, I feel terrible that I haven't been commenting as much, I really do love you all!!

She decided to start living the life she'd imagined

Okay sooo sorry I've been bitching a lot lately...anything and everything was seeming pretty lame. But I decided I'm over that. There's no use being upset about something you can't change.

As for the things I can change...It's time I lose this effing weight. My life is far from perfect right now, but I do have one thing that I will probably never ever ever have again in my life, a shit ton of time. I'm going to use that to my advantage. My strength in weightloss is by farrrrr working out. I suck at restricting. But I can workout like a mofo. SO I'm going to start working out like an athlete. Well, like an athlete who is training for the olympics or some shit.

And I'm also going to make an attempt to stop my worst habit in the diettting life, letting my cravings get to me. So I am literally going to try to eat the same thing every day, giving myself no options. Because that is where it all goes downhill. I feel like this could potentially work really well, or backfire like none other...we'll see.

I'm feel like I have a slightly happier and healthier outlook on life at the moment. It's a good feeling :)










Athlete thinspo :) they work hardd for those bodies!!

If you can die from boredom, this is probably the last you'll hear from me.

So I know this is going to be super annoying to anyone who has any kind of a life, and I'm really super sorry.

But, I am soooo mother fucking bored!! You know what I've done today? Slept until 3, layed in bed and watched Rebecca Black's youtube videos, facebook and twitter stalked all my friends, listened to pandora, stumbled, and ate.

I am seriously about to explode with boredom. I text my friends, but they're too busy to talk much. I don't blame them, I'm not mad at them, I'm fucking jealous!

I want to be in school, I want to have a job, I want to go to the gym, I want to go tanning, I want to see my friends, I want to have hours and hours of homework. Seriously, anything that will give me a reason to get out of bed.

And I don't have a working car so that's why I can't go anywhere. I literally feel like I'm a prisoner in my house. This isn't even my home.

I feel so disgusting. And lazy. And FAT. And kinda like I'm going to murder my parents. FUCKKKKKKKK THISSSS

Dear 2011, you suck

January- Boyfriend breaks up with me
February- become so depressed- sleep for 14+ hours a day, drink while I'm awake
March- Sick for the ENTIRE month, still depressed
April- Told I can't live in my sorority next semester, Everyone starts hating me, still depressed
May- Failed ALL of my classes
June- Kicked of my sorority (financially expelled), parents kick me out
July- Get in a fight with one of my best friends, haven't talked since
August- Want to go back to SD but can't, do absolutely nothing all month
September- Visit school, feel completely unwelcome, do absolutely nothing all month
October- get a job and lose a job, do absolutely nothing all month

And add to all of those months, I'M FAT

I don't even want to know what November and December are going to bring.

But I do know 2012 will be completely different. I'm not letting depressed, drinking my life away, fat Haley be here anymore. It will take a while to change that, but I guess that's what the rest of 2011 is for.

FUCK YOU 2011. 2012 WILL BE MY YEAR (even if the world does end)

I'm fasting until further notice.

Life sucks

Seriously, my life is shit.

Everyone fucking bailed on me tonight.

I'm sitting home, all alone, being freaked out like every 12 seconds. I swear there is someone in my house, but know there's not.

I just wanted to get drunk and party.

But instead I'm sitting at home, listening to Brand New radio on Pandora like a fucking emo kid.

And don't worry all the calories I'm saving from not drinking my weight in alcohol and being made up in cookie dough as I type this.

And my liver is fine, but my lungs are going to shit from my fucking chain smoking all night.

The only 2 texts I've gotten after 10pm were within 5 minutes of each other at about 2 am. Fucking booty calls. Last chance booty calls.

Oh, and the tigers fucking lost.

Sick of this shit. I need another cig.

I've got some issues that nobody can see, and all of these emotions are pouring out of me

I'm feeling so down right now.

No where feels like home. I have no desire to do anything other than be around my friends. But I can't be around my friends cuz I'm stuck at my fucking house. And they don't seem to be missing me much.

I actually feel like I'm not even allowed to be at my sorority house when I'm there for some weekends. I've decided if I go back to campus, I have to find somewhere else to stay. And I'm really not close enough to anyone else.

I want to go back to school there and be back in my sorority and everything be good and shit, but it won't be. Haters gonna hate. Girls won't want me back because I didn't try at all last year. LIKE WTF. Nobody just lays in bed all day and then goes and gets fucked out of their mind on the weekends and end up crying her eyes out by the end of the night because they;re lazy. Obviously something was wrong. And if you're a good enought sister to be "worried about my future", you're a good enough sister to be worried about maybe my present condition. I'm not saying fuck it all, because that's what I want, it's just how it feels sometimes.

And this isn't to bash greek life at all. Honestly, my sorority is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But you have to take the bad with the good, and right now I'm having a problem seeing anything that doesn't suck.

The future is bleak. there's nothing to do, nowhere to go, no one will surprise me. everything is sooo fucking typical.

Finally, a legit post!

First of all, I want to say sorry to everyone who read my crazy post yesterday. I was feeling a little...crazy. I was actually super pissed, but I'm feeling a lot better now.

Okay so like I promised, this post is in honor of a one pound weightloss, actually 2 pounds. I weigh 163 right now, so that's good I guess. It's kinda depressing that 163 is a loss. Pretty sure when I originally started this blog ( a long time ago, I'm pretty sure I've deleted all the posts) I weighed 140. And I was down to 151 at some point this summer. ughhh wtf haley.

I'm doing ABC right now, I'm only on day 2 so I really don't have anything to bitch about yet. I think I ate like 485 calories yesterday, I don't remember exactly.

So I no longer have a job lol not my fault at all either. But whatever, I'll get over it.

My sister didn't go to school today,idk why, and we're not talking, so it's super awkward.

I had a fun and cold weekend camping. Complete with getting sorority girl wasted with a 17 year old boy. I saw him wearing a 2012 letter jacket and just thought ohhhh fuck. I could tell he was my type from one look, and also that he's in fucking high school. He started charging a kiss for every beer and cig that I bummed off him, I complied. He kept trying to get with me, which was cracking me up, he still had braces! I mean he was good looking, but seriously. He got me sooooo drunk though. And was surprisingly smooth for a youngster. He'll be a fratstar for sure one day.

Ummm the Confusing boy I mentioned in the last post has been talking to me a lot over facebook or texting. It's still confusing though so I'm not sharing any deets. I do really like talking to him though, and chilling with him, but that's not really possible right now.

I'm so boreddd right now, I need to find something to do so that I won't resort to eating!

I hope everyone is having a great day!!



This is really just what I want right now. ughhhhhh

This isn't a real post!

My phone and I (barely) survived the freakinweekinnnd. I'm starting ABC tomorrow (monday). That's all.