Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Maybe I've been listening to my Hippy Pandora station too much but...

Fucking A! Do you ever feel like it's all completely hopeless? That's how I feel like on a daily basis. I feel like I should just feel like dying, but I never really feel like that. I always just wanna run away. I'm a hippy at heart, I can't imagine myself staying in one place too long, staying with the same people all the time. I'm a free spirit.

The trouble is, I've become so attached to people here. And this place. This is where I want to be and the people I want to be with. And I may well just fail out of school. What the fuck Haley? And why am I actually caring about people?

I noticed it first last semester, when I thought my parents would take one look at my grades and never let me come back. And I thought, oh my god, I'll never see Alex again. It would never work long distance, I want to be with him all the time. Well turns out, 2 weeks into the next semester there was no such thing as me & alex, so idk maybe I just should have done that before I got too attached to anything else.

Truth is, I got scared of committment. And the partying was seductive. I gave up the boy and the grades for what I thought was a good time. I have never been so wrong in my life.

Then this weekend. I went up to a different school with one of my pledge sisters, Joy. Joy and I have gotten really close this semester and she's the one person I can really talk to about my problems, she knows everything about me. So we drink a little and start being like you're my best friend blah blah drunkness blah and then she and her boyfriend get in a fight and she runs out of the party and wants to just go to sleep. So I stop her, talk to her, tell her if she loves him she won't make a big deal about it, god knows I wish I could go back and be in this situation and make the right decision. She goes you're right, you're always right, never dramatic. I can trust you with anything, in fact, you know how I had an accident the night before initiation and had to be initiated later? I had tried to kill myself that night.

Woah, what!?

That wasn't even the most surprising part though, my reaction beats it by far. I just collapse and start balling. Like I legitimately could not stop crying. I wasn't even drunk so these weren't drunk tears. Just the thought of losing Joy, or almost any of my pledge sisters just reduced me to a crying mess.

So um, I can't leave these people. I have to be responsible and deal with shit instead of just running away. And I have to put up with the possiblity of losing these people too. Not everyone will be here with you forever. The people you have are here now, but tomorrow's another day. So live, laugh, love.

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