I love you more than words can say, I can't count the reasons I should stay.

How my weekend went?

I played beer pong with a really cute guy at Beta Sig for like 3 hours on Friday. Undefeated!

I danced with 3 really cute guys at Sig Nu after that.

5 KA's were practically begging me to come to their beer pong tourny starting at noon on saturday.

I chilled with some cute Kappa Sigs from my math class last semester while I was at the room to room.

But the entire time I was thinking about Alex. Oh yeah, how'd that shit run down?

Well I get to Lambda Chi, chill on the porch for a bit with some of the guys in my grade. Then I walk inside to get some alcohol. Of course what I want (blue haze....I had it at their room to room last semester) is about half a foot from the door of Alex's room. Sawwweeeet. Luckily I don't see him. So I start playing beer pong with some guys I'm really close to, while my little sister (who was here for the night, and whos name is, coincedentally, Alex) just stands and watches. Then Alex walks in the room, we make eye contact, and he walks directly to my sister and goes "Alex? I'm Alex." then walks away. WTF.

So I end up losing a bp, and just chilling with my sisters. Alex kinda stays in the room, walks past me like 8 times. I'm constantly looking for him, trying not to be obvious you know. Then some of us, mostly girls from my house, decide we want to play fuck the dealer. So we sit around this table and are playing for like 20 minutes, I get up to get a drink, which is literally like 10 feet away, and when I get back Alex is sitting at the table. I look at one of my sisters like wtf???? and she's just like, yeahhhhhhh.

So we played fuck the dealer for awhile. The only thing he said to me all night was "haley.....HALEY...HALEY!!!" when he was dealer and it was my turn and I wasn't paying attention. It was weird. But it was nice sitting at the same table as him, and seeing him, and seeing that he's not perfectly fine with this. But he didn't do anything to like change the stakes.

Anyway, I drank 4 cups (they were really small, I'm counting it as 2 solo cups worth) and then left. We walked out on the porch to leave, and as I'm walking down the steps, Alex is straight staring at me. Almost in a mad way...well actually he looked pissed. SUPER PISSED. I don't get it.

After that I went home and watch Community for 3 hours.

Today Alex's facebook status is- I shoulda seen it all along. its girls like you that make me think I'm better off home on a saturday night, with all my doors locked up tight

I'm obsessed.

SO nervous

Room to room at Lambda Chi tonight. I don't have to go, but I want to see Alex more than anything. But the second thing I want more than anything is to not see Alex. I'm fucked up.

I went our last night and had 2 mixed drinks at Beta Sig and 1 beer at Sig Nu and was sober by the time I got home at 1:30.

I wish I would have figured out that being not drunk and going home early was still fun before this all happened. Well it was fun until I realized that going home meant back to MY house, not Alex's. :(

Anyway I'm super super nervous for tonight. Maybe more anxious. So many possible scenarios are floating around my head. What if he's all over some girl? What if we're just chill? What if he's mad at me? What if he wants to talk and take me back?

This is all I've thought about all day.

I wonder what he's been thinking about.

I'm in love with my Pandora right now.

Other than it has played like 5 Brand New songs in the last 2 hours and that's like Alex's favorite band. But my last few songs look like this:
Fortunate Son- CCR
Somebody Told Me- The Killers
The Curse of Curves- Cute is What We Aim For
Dark Blue- Jack's Mannequin
I Must Be Dreaming- The Maine

SOoooooooo good.

I really have nothing to write today. I ate a lot. I decided that I'm gonna be mature. I made a new rule for myself, less than 800 calories a day no matter what. I need that rule.

That's about all I've got for you. Here's some good pictures.

New Member Coordinator, My big sister, My 2 big sister


Me and a pledge sister


Me and some guy I always call my best friend, even though I don't know who he is


Me and my "big brother" dancing. We convinced everyone in his house that I was his little sister and just starting school here during opening week and some people still believed it until like November. Win.


Me blacked out. 2 days before me and Alex broke up. At Lambda Chi. In Alex's sweater. Drinking out of the cup I lost at Sig Nu during 50 daze. :(

It's impossible for you to be unhappy, you live in a mansion.

Words of wisdom for the day.

So not true, but it made me think about how lucky I am and made me a little happier.

Not happy, idk. Less dead. I got shit accomplished today. I burned over 1000 calories at the gym.

But I ate like 2000. Fuck. Why do I always have to eat? I'm not even hungry. I literally just eat because I can.

I actually went to class and did shit. I got my computer fixed so my wireless internet works. I cleaned my room. I decided that I'm gonna start going to calc in the morning, even though I'm not in it, just so I can take credit by exam and not have to sit through it all summer.

My friend told me last night that I have a great future ahead of me, and that got me thinking. I need to stop being such a fucking fuck up. I'm so lazy and like I don't even care.

And as for eating. My goal right now is to fit into my dress by semi-formal (Feb 26th, I'm taking my little sister I decided)

My next goal is to get skinny enough to compete with all the imports that will be here for St. Pats.

And then be happy with myself by the time we get back from Spring Break.

UGGGHHH I just want to be skinny. Like my girl jackie (http://jackie-becomingbeautiful.blogspot.com/) said, fat girls are invisible.

And skinny girls are irrisistable.


Some thinspiration to fit into my dress!

Terrible Day (shocking, I know)

SO yeah today sucked.

I thought about Alex all fucking day and I binged hardcore.

I was thinking that I need Alex back now, I hate being awake at 2 AM, not in his bed. And then that he must not really care about me, he must have lied when he said I love you. Because no one would let a little problem get in the way of love, when it took me just a day too long to realize it was a problem. It's a problem I want to and will change so he should take me back if that was really the problem with our relationship. And if he doesn't and waits a while and then takes me back he's a fucking asshole.

And I was crying and crying and crying alone in my room.

Then I went to the bathroom and realized one of my pledge sisters who's really great to talk to was still awake. SO I walked into her room and just burst into tears.

She just hugged me and let me cry for like 5 minutes.

Then we talked.

She explained that Alex is probably hurting as much as I am. But he's the one that's been hurt by me, I just hurt myself. He hasn't been able to trust me (I cheated on him once or twice...) But that was over with after our break. I promise it was. But I never realize that it still bothered him, that he still didn't trust me.

When we talked on the phone he said that maybe we could get back together in the future. Far in the future. Which I just didn't get because if we both want to get back together then why don't we.

Well, my pledge sister explained to me that we can't just go from being hurt and not talking to back in a relationship. (DUH!? why didn't I realize that?) We're gonna need to go back to the start. Be friends again. And it's gonna take a lot of work on my side and he's gonna have to realize he can trust me again. It's gonna take time.

She also said she was surprised with how hard I was taking it "because, no offense, I didn't think you cared about him so much. "

Yeah me either. I never realized. You don't know what you've got til it's gone.

SO I can't obsess about him so much. I have to move on. For now. And if it's meant to be, we'll get back to that point. And it will be better than before. And if not, I'll know how to treat the next guy better. I'll know how to appreciate what I have.

I still wish I could turn back the clock, but it's time for me to look forward.

He controls my every emotion.

This was supposed to be a happy post guys, I promise.

But then I noticed that Alex changed his skype picture from a picture of us to a picture of him and 2 like really hot skanky girls. :( and he's like constantly on facebook and the only way you can stay online that long is if you're talk to someone. So he's probably talking to some new girl. Being like "oh yeah I'm just watching a movie, we've been having movie nights all week. You know you should come by tomorrow for movie night."

:(

:(

:(

I've never been this sad in my life. Or felt this terrible. Seriously, I wish I could just take that one night back

If that one night wouldn't have happened, everything would be different now.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I really really really really really just want him back.

ANYWAY, the "happy" (it's really not that happy now that I think about it) part of this post was gonna go like this.

I made myself a schedule during study hours tonight, and I'm going to stick to that schedule all week. I even scheduled in when I'm eating.

Oh yeah, my new eating plan. I get breakfast, lunch, dinner, and 2 snacks. 100 calories each. I can carry calories over if I want. But just 100 seems like a pretty good number. And the way I scheduled it I never really have to go more than 4 hours without eating unless it's like sleeping time.

One of my sisters said "it looks like you'll be going to the gym more than class this week"

Yup, by wednesday I'll have more hours at the gym than I have hours of class.

And I made this schedule partly to ensure that I'll go to class and shit. Cuz I've been having trouble with that.

I'm trying to change guys. I hate who I am. I'm not that chill, happy, crazy, confident, skinny girl I used to be. Alex hates that the chill and confident are gone. I hate that the happy and skinny are gone. And that the crazy has just turned into crazy drunk.

I wonder what he's thinking right now.


----edit-----
Alex just facebook chatted me and said:

so we're having a room to room this saturday if you would like to come and think things wont get drama filled.

What does that mean? I'm pretty sure this is his attempt to be friends, because of wednesday night, it's completely over. He couldn't want anything other than to be friends.

But I wish he did.

It's just not enough anymore.

Nothing is enough for me anymore. I'm never satisfied. I just want....more.

Friday night taught me something about myself. I'm to a point where no amount of alcohol can make me happy. Or get me to that silly drunk careless girl I used to be. I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking, never satisfied.

The partying isn't making my week anymore. I used to live for the weekends. Or the after-hours wednesdays. Or just any random party. It's just not doing it for me anymore.

I was able to eat whatever I wanted for awhile and be happy with it. Fucking carefree. Fuck it.

My sisters were always able to be there for me, be my entertainment for the day. Or if I felt like hanging out with guys, any random guy at any random house would do. Just being around people was all I needed.

Now whoever I'm with I'm not happy.

Whoever I'm with is never who I want to be with.

I"m not saying Alex would make me happy at this point, I have no idea, I'm so confused I'm not sure any one person could make me feel satisfied.

But all I can think about is that he's what it takes. That's what I feel.

And also, I need to starve. I need to. I need that emptiness, that constant progress. And it's great because I don't think I'm doing it for anyone but myself. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

except myself.

I'm so lost.

My heart's empty but my stomach's not.

I just want to be able to reverse that statement.

*Day 2 of not drinking or talking to Alex*