Thinking straight...

Now that I'm caught up with sleep and away from all the sorority drama I feel like I'm finally thinking straight. Ahhhh

First things first, I'm so thinspired. I'm fasting tomorrow. I want to lose 20 pounds before I'm come home again. It's possible, but not probable. I"m so excited for summer. I'll be working (read: making money!), tanning, losing weight, and not dealing with anyone's shit. It's like paradise. And I'll be hot as fuck when I go back to school in August. That's all I can think about right now....

Ok now, time for the big news.

I'm done with Alex. I'm not putting up with his confusing shit anymore. If you aren't gonna make me feel good, don't bother being in my life at all.

You don't have to call anymore, I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, don't want to hurt anymore.

Thanks T Swift.

So fasting tomorrow, mall with my recovering Ana friend (will definitely not be letting her know I'm fasting), hopefully I'll get some time in on the eliptical, but I most definitely will not be talking to Alex.

I'm feeling better already.

Tell me what you know about dreams.

Didn't go to class at all today. Actually I've only gone to one class all week. I'm so fucked up. I really want to go to class. Like have that motivation. And do well. But it's just not happening. Hopefully spring break next week will rejuvenate me. Or just juvenate, I was never motivated, no need for the re- haha.

Alex and I have been talking on facebook for like at least 3 hours now. It's the first time we've really had like actual convos. The first time we've mentioned sex or anything from when we were dating. There's been a lot of refrencing to when we were dating actually. And there's a lot of insults, which I feel like is because we're getting comfortable with each other again. We've almost gotten into a fight like 3 times now and everytime one of us pulls us back up again.

And my friend's facebook status on the top of my newsfeed is "you can always go back to your soulmate, that's what makes them your soulmate." For the first time I can actually see Alex and I getting back together....not that I'm saying I think he's my soul mate.

I made a rule for my SGD, I can only burn off 300 calories a day, anything else is just extra. I'm doing this because I'll eat a lot and then be like I'll just burn off 1000 calories at the gym. And most of the time I can't do it. I also feel like it's less productive. I lose more weight when I just don't eat than when I work off everything I eat. Idk if that's legit or not, it's probably just miscalculations or something. I mean, a calorie's a calorie.

That's really all I have to say....oh I get to live in house next semester! Apparantly a lot of girls were pissed about what happened and didn't think it was right so they went to the president and offered up their housing contracts for me, without my knowing. I'm extremely grateful to them. This is what sisterhood is.

I can never get away from last semester!!!

So I got SO fucked over today.

We were signing housing contracts at my sorority for next semester today and it was going in order of room pick order. K, I know I'm last in room picks, no big deal. I have a shitty GPA and no positions in the house and I'm a freshman. I get it.

So my name gets called very last and I'm just like whatever. I walk in the room and the president is like, why don't you shut the door and take a seat. So I'm like alrigghhttt.....and then she goes. So I have some bad news for you, we overestimated how many girls are moving out this semester so we hit capacity 2 people before you, you're going to have to move out of the house. And I'm like ummmmm what am I supposed to do? And she goes well we'll help you and the other girl get an apartment together. I'd be cool with that....except we're both freshman so we won't have enough credits to move off campus for another year. WTF

So here's semester from hell following me into next fucking year. I just wanted to leave it all here. God Damn.

We're going to the residential life office tomorrow to see if we can possible move off campus now because we have such a shitty situation. We're totally prepared to cry and make a scene. We're not leaving until they approve us. lol

Alex and I have been facebook chatting for like an hour now about random things. I just told him how I made 3 behind the back shots in one game of beer pong this weekend. Shit like that. What's going on?

Tomorrow I promise I will legitly start SGD. This entire thing is pissing me off and giving me so much motivation. Fuck you all. Well not people reading this. People who are stupid. ughhhhh

And I really want to start working out again. Being sick for like ever really got me out of shape. I literally haven't worked out in like a month. I want to work out so bad!

I want to be skinny so bad actually.

What should be a terrible day makes me the happiest girl in the world.

Things that went wrong today:
1. Slept through my 1 class and missed a 50 point quiz
2. Ate a shit ton
3. Didn't go to the gym
4. Didn't study AT ALL for my chem test tomorrow
5. Didn't start my English paper that's due tomorrow
6. Made one of my pledge sisters really mad, by accident
7. Had to go door to door at Sigma Chi, even though I really don't know anyone there, and try to sell tickets for our fish fry fundraiser tomorrow. It was so embarassing
8. Vandy and Louisville lost. There goes my bracket.
9. Michigan State lost. There goes the only thing that gets me through winter

Things that went right today:
1. Alex texted me, and we just chatted for awhile

Idk why this makes me so happy. Like honestly because Michigan State lost, I should be crying. I cry every year when the lose in the tourny, and this year was especially sad...But Alex texted me towards the beginning of the game and said "Go Michigan State!!" Because anyone who has ever met me knows I'm OBSESSED with Michigan State Basketball. I just texted back yeah. to emphasize the fact that I think it's awkward that he's talking to me. And he just started talking about the game. So we texted about the game all during the game. And that's all.

He did facebook me last night too and it was really weird. He just asked me if I saw this album of pictures on facebook really. After he said like 4 things to me he went offline.

Idk what's going on here. But I'm really excited for tomorrow. First of all, It's Friday (Friday, Friday, fun fun fun fun!) and second of all I know Alex is going to our Fish Fry because I saw the Lambda Chi sign up sheet so hopefully he'll be there. I just have to make it through an all-nighter now, a chem test in the morning, and finish that paper during lunch, then I'll be so free. Can't wait.

SO anyway, here's so pictures I've found from St. Pats



Don't remember taking this picture, I did get in a lot of trouble for that shirt though. It says Rub For Luck. I hate having standards.



Yeah, my forehead days I <3 Vodka. And yeah, the next night when I stepped into the blacklight at that night's party I look at my friend and go "what's on your face?" and she goes "omg what's on yours?" Yeah, still there.



All I remember about this night is having a like 4 hour long heart-to-heart with this guy. And all I remember about the heart-to-heart was us being like "we're such good friends when we're drunk, why aren't we friends sober? We should totally be sober friends."

Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep as your mouth makes your demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
'cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies' night, all the girls drink for free

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

I will lie awake
And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say








I feel like someone did this to me. I don't understand how I can feel like this and he doesn't feel anything at all.

What's this feeling?

Ah gosh. I feel this way again. Like something's missing. Like home isn't home. Maybe it's just because it's an ending of a huge party and it's been rainy all day.

I had fun last night. I talked to this KA who's on Co-op this semester for a really long time. We made out a lot, actually. In public. Mostly at the bar, when we were like the only people up there. But people definitely saw. So I broke my 2 biggest party rules. Don't make out with a KA and don't make out in public. Ha

At 1:30 Julia and I rolled out and walked like all the fuck around campus. We ended up chilling at Phi Kaps for a while because I'm kinda talking to a guy there. Well, I was. This was the first time Julia met him... the second we walk out the door she goes "You know he looks exactly like Alex, right?" I was like no way....then thought about it. They're practically fucking twins. What the hell.

Speaking of Alex, he texted me today. He was like I just want to apologize for making what happened 2 fridays ago personal. I really was just trying to tell you that you aren't welcome over here anymore and I'm glad you actually owned up that you did something wrong. You definitely handled the situation better than I did and I'm sorry.

Cool...?

I think I'm just gonna shower and go to bed early tonight. I'm starting SGD tomorrow. For reals this time.

With the parties, the disasters, with my friends all pretty and plastered.

So St. Pats is winding down. Last parties tonight. I'm heading to KA in like an hour for theirs, they won St. Pats so they should have a big party. And I want to get started early. Me and Julia are planning a tour de frat for later. That's a secret though.

With St. Pats ending I feel like I'm coming back from some kind of dream. Like, I had my time of moping and sad and then crazy fun, and now I have to be realistic. I need to put my fucking school first. I need to chill out a little bit. I need to lose weight. I need to be happier.

So starting tomorrow, that's where my focus is. I'm gonna clean up my life. It will be what it's supposed to be. I'll have some kind of control.

But I'm just letting it all go tonight. One last time.

Here's to my "freshman year."







Let's Party.