Cinco de Mayo/ Drinko de Haley!

So um I have a final in 3 and a half hours. I'm not too worried about it, it's chemistry, I rock that shit...even though at my school chem is designed to weed out about half of the freshman class. Can't pass chem, calc and physics here? Sorry you aren't meant to be an engineer.

I just got back from a walk with one of my favorite Lambda Chi's. He was drunk and wanted to talk to someone who wasn't in his house, and he's dealt with my drunk ass numerous times so I went. I like talking to him anyway so it's not a big deal, he's chill as fuck.

Today/tomorrow? is my last day here. I'm so sad. 2 of my best friends are already gone and one more might be leaving tomorrow, but I'm trying to convince her to stay for......DRINKO DE HALEY!!!

You see, Cinco de Mayo is a great drinking holiday. What makes it better? After midnight you're celebrating my birthday! So ummmm 8 am final, walk with Sig Nu's to their house where my vodka is and start doing some shots. I plan on being drunk all day tomorrow! fun! I'm about to be sober almost all summer so here's my final party!

I'm probably gonna need to sell some books in order to buy some more vodka lol.

Being Proactive!

So I'm starting a 100 day challenge thing tomorrow. There's a tab for that. But umm me and my ana friend from home are doing it together. We decided to do the nail polish thing with it too, where you like paint one nail for every day you stay on your diet. We also decided that since we are (hopefully) already splitting this into 10 day intervals, we're going to try a new diet every ten days. I feel like this will really help me stay on track since I really don't have to be doing one thing for TOO long. Mind tricks man.

I'm thinking of doing something for every 10 days I stay on my work out plans, but idk what, or what my work out plans are even.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone out there has any diet suggestions to try? I'm looking for extreme low calorie ones, or ones that can easily be turned into low calorie. So far we have raw food only and a fruit fast, which are pretty similar...but we need ideas! Please help!

Have a skinny day everyone!

New Highest Weight and I want to die.

I'm seriously trying so hard not to burst into tears right now because I just weighed myself for the first time in weeks and the scale said

165

What the fuck. I want to hurt myself so badly right now. But I can't. I have to be calm right now because I have a final in an hour. A final I need to do well on to stay in school. Yeah why are my grades like this???

What was I thinking? Why didn't I try harder with my school work. And Try harder with starving. Or try at all for either.

I can not believe I'm this fat. Panic panic panic panic.

FUCK

“Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves”

It's been a crazy couple of days in Haley World. I've decided that I will not be returning to school here next semester. I think that will be the scariest thing I will ever have to do.

There's a reason for this. I moment that pushed me completely over the edge and made me realive that I need to step back from this all and take a break. But it's just a long, boring drunk story. Basically I've learned that I need to stop caring about people who don't give a shit about me. And right now, if I'm really just focusing on myself, I need to be focused on school.

I went from wanting to punch someone in the face, wanting to die, wanting to run away and never come back, wanting to stay here and quit my sorority, to wanting to spend a semester at home, and then come back here, to my sisters.

So my plan is to move home at the end of the week, get a job, save money, take classes at the community college by my house, get awesome grades in those classes, and just focus on me for awhile. I need to learn how to stand on my own, and not rely on other people for all of my emotions, while focusing on school.

I think this will be best for me. I've kept this idea in the back of my mind for awhile now, but I never really had the courage to actually admit that it's the right decision.

I'll have to call my dad tomorrow and tell him about this. He already has an idea that something serious is up because of what happened this weekend, but I'm really nervous about telling him. I'll also have to tell my friends. And talk to the registrar's office at my school to learn about what I have to do to take a semester off. And talk to my sorority chapter's president so I'll know what I have to do to go alumn and then reactivate later. I'd be going crazy right now trying to deal with that alone if I hadn't just finally figured some shit out.

ugggggghhhhhh

I've stayed up all night for two consecutive nights now. What am I doing with me life? I really need to start writing a paper that's due in 4.5 hours, but I don't feel like it. That's all I have to do all week really and I can't even do that. And a good grade on this paper could be the difference between failing out of school and being here next year to get some 4.0's for the rest of my life. lol

Um so my weekend was really interesting. I got arrested. No big deal. Really I was just trespassing and I didn't know it, and all that happened was I'm getting referred to my school's like student disipline thing. I should be able to talk myself out of any trouble.

*Talking about going to Vegas Spring Break 2013, when I'll only be 20, so not able to get into casions and shit.*
Julia: Haley will be able to get in. She can talk herself into anything.
Joy: She can talk herself out of everything too.

Idk what relevence that has.

Me and probably 5 of my pledge sisters are doing an end of the year power hour at KA. It's super cute. It has pictures of us from all year and then quotes we've said to mark each minute/shot. I fucking love my pledge sisters.

I've been eating a ton. And freaking out about eating a ton too. Idk why I do this. Whenever I'm most nervous about food or feeling the fattest I just eat all the time, even though it just makes me really anxious. I've had like 3 panic attacks in the last 2 days, because I feel fat. Idk maybe I'll get control of this soon. It's making me feel like shit.

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less

Wow. Apparently I was in serious need of some butt kicking.

Thank you, Jackie, for giving that to me. Thanks for the reality check and ideas and helping me realize that I AM better than this.

And mostly thank you for making me realize that Alex sucks.

Soooo glad I can say that.

Needless to say, I have some new found motivation and self respect and it's exactly what I've needed. I was able to go out last night and not get trashed. I still drank and got a little silly, but definitely not out of control. The craziest thing about last night? The guy I was hanging out with most of the time. He was a nice, innocent guy. He talked to me about school and how his house can help me anytime I need it. He bought me some drunk Huddle House at like 1 am. He taught me how the guys in his house climb onto the roof of my house. And we chilled on the roof and talked for a few hours. And when it was time for bed he walked me to my front door and gave me a hug. Interesting.

I'm obviously off track with food and not feeling the best about that but I will do better tomorrow, I promise.



Thanks to anyone who is reading this just for caring enough to read.

Drunnkkkkkk! and in serious need of some advice.

I'm really really really sorry guys
but I am drun k as fuck.

sorry

but anyway

I love Alex. Seriously. Like, end of story.

I didn't love the security. or the fun. or the entire house of guys who automatically have to like you. or just having a boyfriend.

I love him. I knew it after hanging out with him like twice. there's something about him that no other guy will ever ever ever be able to match.

That much I know.

What do I do? I want to die without hi,m. which sounds pathetic as fuck. But he literally made my life. wtffffffffuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck. I miss him so much. but he won't talk to me seriously. and he doesn't care because he just doesn't think about it. that' is a quote. what the fuck. I could do way better than him but I don't want to. hwe was perfect. for me. I wish I would have never listened to my friends because they turned out to not be true friends. he was the real deal, they were'nt


so anyway advice? I just need advice in general. I need a lot of help.

I need this, you can't deny you feel it, it's either or. Tell me it's over, everything you hoped for. tell me either way, I know you know I never let this go.