feeling better...

well not physically, I swear to god one of my lymph nodes is the size of a ....tangerine?? idk it hurts really badly and I have a fever. But whatevs, my outlook on life is looking up.

I guess I should have known transitioning back to school was gonna be tough. I knew there would be hard classes, bitchy people, bad decisions and just bad nights all together. I can do this though, and it's only the third week of classes, that's plenty of time to turn things around.

Okay so Friday night I had a super bad night, idk what was wrong with me. I went out, but I wasn't even drunk, and I just started crying about like everything, I'm not sure what set it off really. I think part of it was that I was out with my friend, Jay. She's like one of my best friends ever but she's been doing things that are really pissing me off. Like on Wednesday night we went out together and I ended up getting really drunk and like begging to go home, but instead she made me stay at the fraternity we were at, in this guys bed. He was being nice and saying I could sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, and then Jay is like Oh no, you can sleep in your bed with her, I'll just go in this other room, I don't want to be a cockblock, I mean, I don't care if you guys hook up or anything. WTF?? I was seriously getting so dizzy from people playing guitar that I was throwing up...why THE FUCK would I want to hook up with anyone???? It's like she was offering me up for sex, and that was not the first time I've felt like she's done that.

So on Saturday I started drinking in the dorms with my friend, Kay. I learned that not all dormies are super weird. But still most are. So we got DEEERUNK and went out to this huge dance party where I was seriously dancing like an insane person for at least 4 hours. I love dance parties!

AND when I got home at like 5 am this guy I had hooked up with last week FINALLY texted me. I say finally because we kinda made this deal to be friends with benefits, and then we hooked up, and then I didn't hear from him again. It's a long weird story but I think it's gonna work out lol

Anyway, I've pretty much stayed caught up in all of my classes except for calc, and I have my first test in there tonight so wish me luck!! I'll try to get caught up on everyones blogs...sorry I haven't been commenting and posting lately!! That will change I promise!!!

i want it to be over

I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just so depressed. I've fucked up so many things, I'm like slut of the fucking world. nobody cares about meee

nothing seems real

i'm back at school and I hate it. I feel so aloneeee.

My roommate is so weirddd, but luckily she shacks sometimes. I'm pretty sure I'm not even gonna try to reinstate in my sorority. All the girls are telling me I just need to stop hanging out with my old best friend. My best friend is like so loyal, but she gets on my nerves a lot. I think I've grown up some and she hasn't. My other best friend who is coming back this semester after a suicide attempt last semester has already withdrawn from school. Which is exactly what I want to do. I don't like fit in at this school anymore. ughhhhhhhhh

I really just want like a boyfriend. Which is like a stupid thing to say but like, idk having someone I can just like cuddle and watch movies with at the end of the say is seriously needed right now.

I'm being so crazy right now. I'm binging and purging, crying all the time, skipping class, going on crazy homework binges, drinking til I can't stand, hooking up with random people. I know this isn't how I should be acting right now but I literally can't stop. ughhhh

high standards.

I hate myself. My body, how I look. Just everything.

But the funny thing is, I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty good looking. I mean, I'm not just insanely sexy or anything like that, but I look kinda unique, and I'm told on a regular basis that I could model, besides the fact that I'm too heavy and my skin sucksss.

And I think it's that standard that constantly makes me unsatisfied with myself. Like, normal people don't sit there and be like I'm not gonna be happy until I look like a model. But since I'm told that the potential is there, I'm never gonna be happy with anything less than that. Who wouldn't want to be a model??? I would love it, it's not like I have any idea what I'm doing with my life anyway.

also, I had a slight confidence booster today, I bought a diet mountain dew at a gas station tonight and after I left the (pretty good looking) guy working there ran down the street after me to ask for my number. do boys know how much better they can make you feel about yourself????

Alcohol i love/hate you

I didn't eat all day, and then i had a drink and a couple shots, felt it wayyyyy more than I was expecting--i forgot that I hadn't eaten in 2 days....

anyway i ended up eating chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonalds

I"M SO MAD (and kinda drunk still)

I just want to fast for so long. Why can I not control myself for like more than a couple days. If I could just stop eating for a little bit I would love my fucking life.

I hung out with some pretty cool people though.

Everything is not how it seems

So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.

So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.

She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.

So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.

And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.

She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.

I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.

The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.

You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?

It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.

UGHHHH!!!!!

boring...

So the past 2 days I haven't been eating much at all, like maybe 200 cals a day, which contributed to me being 161.2 this morning...like 7 pounds loss in 2 days. Which makes me soooo happy!! But then I was kinda forced to eat dinner today (pork, mashed potatoes and carrots) and also this giant ass cookie. soo idk how many calories that is. For sure less than how many I need a day but I'm still worried I'm gonna gain weight.

My parents also sprung on me that we're going to my aunts house on friday and saturday and my grandma's on sunday and then a whole day car ride home on monday....which is like 10 days I'm not gonna be able to get away with not eating much. I'm gonna be careful about what I eat, but I doubt I'll be able to get too much under 1000 a day. And since I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible before I got to school I'm planning on fasting or mostly fasting until friday and then again after monday.

I NEED TO BE UNDER 150 at the most by the time I go back to school. I would love to be even smaller. Like 140...I would be enthralled by my awesomeness.