Have you ever been dumped at a KFC????

I'm sad to say I came way too close to that actually happening earlier today. No lie.

WARNING! I feel like this is just going to be a super long post that nobody really wants so read, but this has just like happened/got done happening and I need to get it out before I explode.

So, my weekend. UM. Long story short, I made out with another guy. Almost did more. Almost. That was Friday.

Last night we had a new member retreat for my pledge class. We get initiated next Saturday so this was like one last night of bonding before we go through one of the most important things for us (everyone says so). Anyway, we do some soul sharing and stuff. I managed to keep my body hate a secret. I don't want people knowing that. But I did spill that I made out with another guy. Everyone was like AGAIN!? I had talks with people. I had to think....

Honestly, I've made out with 3 other guys since starting going out with my boyfriend, so I decided I needed to reconsider what was going on. I was thinking if I always just end up acting like I'm single, shouldn't I just be single? My pledge sisters were talking me through this actually. But in the end I decided that I actually want to be with my boyfriend, but if I want that, I have to start being more responsible. No excessive flirting ( which, I feel like, is how I get anything ever...sooooo I'm screwed), no excessive drinking, no excessive frat-hopping. My pledge sisters also convince me I need to tell Gold about this incedent.

Obviously he was pissed. Who wouldn't be? He starts saying shit. Really rude shit. Then finally got really, like, demanding or something? I'll share a text convo.

Gold: When are you getting back?
Me: We can leave as soon as it's light. I just have to wait for someone with a car to wake up.
Gold: Well when you get back come over to my house and you can like sleep or do whatever. And then when I wake up we'll go out for lunch/dinner. But I expect you here asap.
Me: Uh. What? You want me to just like walk in whenever I get back?
Gold: Yes. Come over right away. I guess you can go back to your room and shower and change or grab some clothes if you want to shower with me. Just get here NOW. And be ready to go out to eat when you do.

Like I was super mad when he was saying these things but I was trying to like not freak out on him because he was like half an inch away from breaking up with me. So I just did what he said. I went in his room, it smelled like puke. He's sleeping in his loft and I'm not really feeling like sleeping with him, so I crashed on the futon. He woke me up at like 2:30 and was like we're going to KFC.

So we went there (don't worry, I didn't eat) and it's super awkward. He's like starting me down and I can't keep eye contact. He'll occasionally ask me something like so when was this? Did you not think of the consequences? But usually it was just nothing. I felt terrible, literally. I felt like I was going to throw up. I was actually really afraid I would. Nobody has ever made me physically sick by just making me feel bad. I really couldn't say much or look him in the eyes. We leave without really establishing anything. Drive back, park in front of his house and just sit there for a few minutes.

Finally he's like "I don't want to break up with you, but I really don't want to see you this week." and I'm like uh ok? I was really super glad that he didn't break up with me, but still. Then he was like "We'll just take this week off from each other, you can't see me after Thursday anyway. If your initiation has any kind of moral content, and I'm sure it does, I REALLY hope you take it to heart."

K got it all out. I guess, if it works, this could be a good thing. I spend can this week focusing on not eating, working out, school work, not being a bitch and stuff, and my sorority stuff. This week is really important for my sorority and now I have no distractions. My sisters have my full attention. And that's good.

Reform?

re-form (v) - to amend or improve by change of form or removal of faults or abuses.
This is exactly what I need to do, like, it seriously applies to every aspect of my life ever.

* To amend or improve by change of form - Obviously I would love to change the form of my body. Please. I just need to lose this weight.

* removal of faults - ok, I have a TON of faults. Really, I do.
----------1. I can't be happy with other people's success. When someone is better than me I want to tear them down, instead of building myself up. This is something I'm really not happy about. I'm really going to work on this.
----------2. I lie. ALOT. I'm admitting this one time only. And on an anonymous online blog. I will never say this again, or in real life. If I did, a ton of people would hate me. I NEED to stop lying.
----------3. I'm really super lazy. This one is killing me in school. I must get my act together or I can say goodbye to college, my sorority, my boyfriend, all my sisters, my future. It's scary how fast I could lost it all.
I know I have other faults, but these are just the ones that are super problematic/ really bothering me right now.

* removal of abuses - I abuse alcohol. And weed. And I use my drunken/high state as an excuse to do bad things. My boyfriend should seriously dump me. I deserve it.

Sooo this entire thing feels like a ton of self hate or something and you might be worried I'm gonna go cut myself now or something. But don't. It's really just motivating me. I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to reform.



I saw this picture in SELF. I freaking love it. She's not like perfectly skinny, but she's close. And she's surrounded by hot guys. This is my motivation to make it to the gym this week.

Ya Sick Nasty!

Yeah, I'm sick. I felt it coming on last Thursday, but I had a Chem test to cram for (got a B on it btw!). Then it was the weekend, so if I felt sick at all I just ignored it and partied. Monday it hit me hard. I'm pretty sure I've never felt this bad in my life. I've gone to 1 class so far this week, plus a test. I plan on going to all 3 of my classes tomorrow because I'm feeling a tonnnns better right now...hopefully it lasts because there is a century club calling my name tomorrow night.

Because I've been sick I've had a really lame start to my 75 days thing. I haven't been working out, and I finished a carton of Ben & Jerry's. On the bright side, that's all I've eaten the past 2 days. I weighed myself earlier and the scale said 155. Hopefully it's not a nasty liar!

Yesterday I got an email saying I made it into Math 6! SO yay! I'm not a complete failure. I don't want to check my email now because I'm afraid I'll get an email saying they fucked up and I'm really going to Math 2.

My boyfriend and I have been official for a month now. I feel like I should start refering to him as something other than, my boyfriend. I'll give you guys the code word some of my sisters came up with for him, Gold. So yeah, Gold and I have been officially dating for 1 month. I feel like it's going pretty well....

I got a care package in the mail today. It was a bunch of random stuff and my wool coat. What!? It's cold enough for a wool coat!??? It's definitely getting close. I just remember it being opening week, with no classes, tons of parties, and slip n slides. I wish college was just one long O Week.

So that's about all that's going on here since I've been sleeping my life away recently. Sorry it's so random and retarded!!

Hazing.

Everyone says it's part of Greek life. Ever since joinging a sorority the only thing I've heard about it is don't haze. One girl drunkenly told me to sing at a party and she got in trouble for hazing. It wasn't hazing at all. No hazing here.

There's definitely a lot of haze in my life lately. The past two and a half months have seemed surreal. Like a long vacation or something. Soon I'll have to go back home; to rules, parents, homework, boring weekends, and most of all starving. Actually, I had quite the reality check today. I'm in math 4/6. It's math 4 for half a semester and then math 6. I had to take my math 4 final today. Fer sure failed. And I had a C in that class and you need a C to move onto math 6. So it looks like I'll be going to math 2. Fuck. This wouldn't be a big deal if this was seriously the best I could do in the class. Or even anywhere close to the best. But really I haven't been trying at all. This is no where near where I should be. I'm so much better than this. I also found out my Chem test grade...82%. Everyone I told was like BITCH. But really I know I could have gotten an A. I rock at chemistry. I also weighed myself today. After all of that, this still ended up being the worst part of my day. I weigh 160 pounds! This is seriously disgusting. Granted, it was in the middle of the day, I'm sick (don't know if that makes a difference, I feel heavier though), I'm on my period (TMI???), and I was wearing like 5 layers of clothes. Those are all just excuses though. There is NO excuse for ever weighing 160 pounds. This needs to be dealt with.

75 Days to Happiness
Here's my plan. 75 days from now will be the first classes of next semester. Until then....
-Eat 500 calories or less a day. Just do it. No excuses.
-Burn 500 calories or more a day.
-Stretch everyday. It just makes me feel better. Plus it's a nice distraction when you're hungry.
-Don't get caught.

So yeah. That's my plan. The Goal is to lose 35 pounds by January 10. Theoretically it's possible. I CAN do this. I have to.

I was drinking from where I came, when I got here I did the same.

This weekend was mostly great. I got sufficiently drunk Friday night and Saturday night. If it was just that my weekend would have been all great. Unfortunately, I have to deal with a class -5 bitch constantly. -5 for no class at all. A girl in my sorority is trying her hardest to get me to quit. She can really just go fuck herself. The biggest problem with this situation is I'm just trying to ignore her and stay out of it, because eventually everyone will realize that I'm doing nothing and she keeps going. But it's SOOOO hard. Me and my big sis got drunk on saturday night and a heart to heart about it. She told me the other girl came to her complaining about me. Which she thought was the stupidest thing in the world because you can try turning everyone else against me, but you won't get my big sis.....that's where you get caught lying. My big sis told me this bitch was trying to get me brought up to J-board in our house for pre-gaming a social we had on Friday. I'm not gonna lie I kinda did pre-game but just kinda. I drank 1 Nos and Vodka very slowly about an hour before hand. NO WAY you could have noticed I was drunk. There was a big group of people there, but it was invite only so I'm thinking bitch heard about it, couldn't go, but knew I was there.
Oh and I just remembered last night my boyfriend was playing beer pong with this girl in my house for like an hour. Now they're facebook friends. My extremely insecure self is scared. I'll just not eat tomorrow.

It's Back.

I've felt it creeping up on me for weeks now. That feeling where you can never be happy with your body. When you just want to starve. Well now it's here.
I pulled an all-nighter studying for my chemistry test. Well it's only 6:22 AM now. Hopefully I can stay awake until my 8 AM chem test or I'm afraid I won't wake up for it. I didn't really study that much. I was at the library from 7-10 about 80% studying and 20% facebooking. Then I went to my boyfriends house from like 10-3. Then I came back and studied. And by studying I mean studied/showered/studied/pedicure/showered/studied/ran around in my room. People MUST think I'm crazy. I don't know why I took 2 showers. And why I was so obsessed with my feet. And how all of this became my breaking point.
I'm ready now to starve. To work out twice a day. To be thin, at whatever cost.
I've kept putting it off because I could think of excuses as to why I needed to eat. There's no point starting on a Thursday because it will soon be the weekend and I'll be drinking my weight in alcohol. By monday I was so exhausted I needed food to get me through the week. I'm at the point now where there are now excuses. I don't have a choice. I have to do this. I have to lose weight.
I weighed myself just now, for a refrence and I was 157.6 That's the highest my weight has ever been by about 5 pounds. This is disgusting. I took pictures of myself, also. So I can look back in 3 months and be happy about how I've changed. Hopefully by one month I'll be happy about how I've changed...but still want to change more. I don't think I will be happy with my body until I'm below 125. Even then I think I'll want to be lighter. We'll see, hopefully.

Skinny Pants and Some Vans

I'm listening to lil wayne, in a laundry room, at 3:45 AM. I'm also eating a chocolate chip muffin and fritos. I totally fail at not eating. I feel it coming back though. That feeling where only being hungry can make you happy. All I want is to be skinny. Thennn maybe I'll be able to be totally confident and happy. Maybe.
Some updates:
1. The BF and I are officially facebook official. Crazy, right? It's more of a big deal than you think. I've never been in a facebook official relationship. This is a big step for me. He didn't even have to push it, just bring it up. "We've been dating for 3 weeks, I feel like it's maybe time for this to be facebook official." I thought about it for a second and realized that I'm completely comfortable calling him my boyfriend to anyone who asks, so why not put it on facebook so creepers will stop thinking I'm single? I'm really happy about this...really. I just don't want to admit it outloud or to my friends because I'm so scared he'll just break up with me soon. The first time I actually like a relationship the other person wouldn't...of course.
2. Midterm grades are officially up. They suck. I'm really worried. I did homework until 3:15. I'm planning the rest of my week around when I can study for my chem test on Friday.
3. Speaking of Friday, I'm so ready for the weekend. My bio class is already cancelled on Friday and I'm gonna do the best to get my math TA to cancel class too. If he won't I'll just skip and hope he doesn't drop me because he's already warned me about missing class too many times..... anyway I feel like I'm gonna spend practically all my free time from now until 8 AM Friday studying. So 9 AM-5 PM Friday are reserved for sleep. I expect to be showered and ready to go out by 7. I'll pre game at my boyfriends house and then hopefully party with my big sis. Our shenanigans are BAD ASS.
4. Continuing on the weekend, Friday will be a shit show for me because Saturday night is my sororities formal. I don't have a dress. I can't even where a dress. My arms and legs are too fat and that's like all you see when you wear a dress. Plus I'm breaking out on my shoulders really bad. I don't know why. Nobody else ever does. It's really not fair. Anyway, find a formal dress that covers your shoulders. I don't know what I'm gonna do about this situation at all. Obviously I need to find somebody fat enough to borrow a dress from and try to get away with wearing a jacket the entire time. EFFFF. And I don't know how excited my boyfrannnn is about this. He told me he was gonna pre-game with the 2 other guys from his house who are going when I told him there's absolutely no drinking before formal. I asked if I could join them.

Well my laundry needs to be switched and I need to go kidnap my big sis for breakfast. Starve yourself for me, won't you???