I'm back, but with a new blog!!

I've been having a hard time trying to blog lately, and I realized that it's because I didn't really like my current blog, so I've made a new one. This one is more focusing on my depression (and trying to get over it), bipolar, general not knowing what I'm doing with my lifeness. I'm still trying to lose weight, only in a slightly more healthy way, so I will still be posting about that. I know I've really fallen off the radar on here so IF you read this and you still want hear from me, please check out my new blog here! I'm currently trying follow everyone on there that I follow on here but if you realize that I'm not, just let me know! I hope everyone has been well and I look forward to catching up with everyone!

Can I tell you a story??

Let's go way way way back. I'm a skinny blonde eight year old at a tiny little gym in rural south dakota. I was on beam, and my coach assigned me to working on leaps. For those of you who have never been in gymnastics- the goal of a leap is to reach a 180+ degree split while in the air above a 4 inch wide beam. Let me tell you, that's a scary thing to do. If your foot comes down even an inch off, you end up "splitting the beam"...which is exactly what it sounds like and hurts like a mofo. So I'm a scared little 8 year old doing wimpy little leaps. It's not that I didn't have the flexibility or technique to do a better leap. And my leaps were alright so my coaches didn't push me to try any more. So I'm doing these pathetic little leaps over and over again, accomplishing absolutely nothing, when I mess up my landing and split the beam. I get up after the fall, in tears from the pain, scared to get back on the beam, and mad at myself for falling. Then I realized one of the most important things I have ever realized in my life. I realized, I'm going to fall on these little leaps occasionally, it's inevitable. I decided, if I'm going to fall anyway, why am I doing these tiny little leaps?? So I got back on the beam and from that point on, I stopped letting my fear hold me back. Yeah, I fell sometimes and yeah it scared me. But because of that, I became one of the best beam workers in the state, eventually earning honors on the regional and national level. I think I've let myself forget that lesson for awhile now, but I'm ready to embrace it again. You shouldn't do anything if you're not going to put your best effort into it, without fear.

update I guesss

So I'm home. I withdrew from school and shit.

Um I'm really just focusing on doing something positive in my life, and as I have no clue what I want other than my dream body, that's where all of my energy is going.

I'm in a much better mood, but not good enough to even want to think about my low points, so maybe I'll explain later, maybe I won't.

I'll post more later, and get myself updated on all of your guys lives. AND a big thank you to anyone who has commented on my last few posts, I love you all.




and I can't wait til summer <3

I think life is some kind of sick joke.

Like all I can think is this all must be some kind of a fucking joke.

I've finally realized something that was keeping me from being happy with a person, hours before moving away from that person forever.

My heart is broken and it's my own damn fault, and it has been for like a year and a half.

And I know, I know. It hurts now, and it will hurt less and less with time until finally one day I will hardly ever think about it. But just right now the pain and irony and cruelness of this all is overwhelming me.

please please help me

I don't even know what to say

-I'm failing all of my classes
-I mean, I don't even do anything all day
-I'm sooooo unhappy
-Friday is the last day to withdraw from school
-My parents have no idea about any of this
-I don't hang out with anyone that I used to
-Alex and I have been off and on all semester
-I love him
-He loves me
-He can't deal with my insecurities
-I can't deal with my insecurities
-But still.......we can't not be in each others lives
-last night I told him I'm dropping out of school and probably won't see him on a regular basis ever again
-he told me to come over and we stayed up til 6am talking and watching movies and avoiding real life
-I'm soooooooooooo sad
-I have no idea what to do with my life
-I have no idea what I even want with my life
-I can't work up the courage to tell anyone this

cheers to the freakin weekend :)

okay so I've had like the busiest week ever. Like doing 8 hours of homework everyday and still not finishing everything. And on top of that I've had a cold all week. So I am so glad tomorrow is friday.

but, I mean, I still have like 2 sections of calc homework and 4 online chem things to do. plus I'm retaking a calc test tomorrow morning at 7:15...ughhh so early!!!

okay so this guy who I like have a thing with...basically we just fuck. And it's amazing. Sometimes I'm afraid I actually like him, but then I remind myself he's a slut and that's all I am to him. Which makes me mad, and not want anything to do with him. But then I catch myself sending him the raunchiest texts ever and we're hooking up again. I swear I'm fine with it.

but then there's this other guy in his house who like knows about us obviously. He always texts me and talks to me and is just super nice. He asks me to come over and cuddle and watch a movie. And I always make up some excuse. Anyway he got mad at me the other day and was like I try so hard to just hang out with you, that other guy doesn't even care about you, he doesn't appreciate you like I do, you're better than the girl somebody just hooks up with, you know I think you're so pretty and funny but you'll always choose him over me.

I don't know what to think. I think I want a relationship, but then I don't. I don't knooooooow. I think I like my fuck buddy, but I know it doesn't mean anything. Do I drop that whole situation??I can't even decide how I feel, let alone how I feel. ugh

Okay one more thing, so I just started taking Yaz a couple weeks ago and it has really been suppressing my appetite so much. Like food just does not taste good and I get full really fast. I was reading some reviews on it and a lot of people said that happened to them too soooo jackpot I guess. I need to lose weightttt

yikes it's been awhile

My life has been hectic and dramatic.

I have so many ups and downs, I really could not tell you how I am just in general. At the moment, I'm good.

I got a 94% on my first chem test and a 46% on my first calc test. yikes.

I have been staying in during the week, though. So that's boring.

My roommate is driving me insane. She is super effing weird and annoying. Her voice makes me want to punch a baby.

My friends Kay and Jay got in a fight. Which was really awkward for me, like I would go out with Kay and Jay would call me and tell me to come to a party, but if I tried to show up with Kay, she would get us both kicked out. She was calling Kay a whore (which she's slept with like 1/10 of the guys that Jay has soooo....) and making her cry, trying to get her banned from fraternities. So I tried to talk to Jay and she got mad at me for choosing sides and tried to get me get kicked out of places too. SO, that friendship is over. She's done things like this before and to everyone else she's ever been friends with too. Everyone tells me I should drop her as a friend soooo I'm kinda feeling good about this.

ummmmmm I passed out in an elevator the other weekend. annnddddd ummm idk I haven't really done anything exciting I think. I feel like I have and I'm forgeting about it but idk

For those of you who have been following for like ever, I have to bring up an old, old, old topic. Alex.

Now that I'm back at school I've been seeing him around every now and then and I ran into him at a party on friday night and he starts talking to me and i'm like yikesssss and run to the bathroom. But he keeps talking to me and like following me around. and I keep avoiding him. soon he starts texting me being like can we please talk, I just want to talk to you. shit like that.

To make a longggg story short, I go with him, he tells me he wants to get back together, we hook up and I leave and then the next night I end up at his house again and he tells me the same things again and says he wants to take it slow and he wants me to trust him and shit. And I have no idea what I think about all this. Like, I was seriously completely over him. But he was like saying things like we can talk for hours and everything is just so easy with you, there's nothing forced at all. idk he's right and I'm afraid I won't find that again very easily and if I immediately just say no to this, I think I'll regret it, or like always wonder. So I think I'm just gonna give it some time. but if there's no spark again soon, I'm gonna be done with him for life.

Also, do you guys like Lana Del Rey?? I've been listening to her literally nonstop!! And she is super gorgeous!! Check her out!

feeling better...

well not physically, I swear to god one of my lymph nodes is the size of a ....tangerine?? idk it hurts really badly and I have a fever. But whatevs, my outlook on life is looking up.

I guess I should have known transitioning back to school was gonna be tough. I knew there would be hard classes, bitchy people, bad decisions and just bad nights all together. I can do this though, and it's only the third week of classes, that's plenty of time to turn things around.

Okay so Friday night I had a super bad night, idk what was wrong with me. I went out, but I wasn't even drunk, and I just started crying about like everything, I'm not sure what set it off really. I think part of it was that I was out with my friend, Jay. She's like one of my best friends ever but she's been doing things that are really pissing me off. Like on Wednesday night we went out together and I ended up getting really drunk and like begging to go home, but instead she made me stay at the fraternity we were at, in this guys bed. He was being nice and saying I could sleep in his bed and he'd sleep on the couch, and then Jay is like Oh no, you can sleep in your bed with her, I'll just go in this other room, I don't want to be a cockblock, I mean, I don't care if you guys hook up or anything. WTF?? I was seriously getting so dizzy from people playing guitar that I was throwing up...why THE FUCK would I want to hook up with anyone???? It's like she was offering me up for sex, and that was not the first time I've felt like she's done that.

So on Saturday I started drinking in the dorms with my friend, Kay. I learned that not all dormies are super weird. But still most are. So we got DEEERUNK and went out to this huge dance party where I was seriously dancing like an insane person for at least 4 hours. I love dance parties!

AND when I got home at like 5 am this guy I had hooked up with last week FINALLY texted me. I say finally because we kinda made this deal to be friends with benefits, and then we hooked up, and then I didn't hear from him again. It's a long weird story but I think it's gonna work out lol

Anyway, I've pretty much stayed caught up in all of my classes except for calc, and I have my first test in there tonight so wish me luck!! I'll try to get caught up on everyones blogs...sorry I haven't been commenting and posting lately!! That will change I promise!!!

i want it to be over

I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just so depressed. I've fucked up so many things, I'm like slut of the fucking world. nobody cares about meee

nothing seems real

i'm back at school and I hate it. I feel so aloneeee.

My roommate is so weirddd, but luckily she shacks sometimes. I'm pretty sure I'm not even gonna try to reinstate in my sorority. All the girls are telling me I just need to stop hanging out with my old best friend. My best friend is like so loyal, but she gets on my nerves a lot. I think I've grown up some and she hasn't. My other best friend who is coming back this semester after a suicide attempt last semester has already withdrawn from school. Which is exactly what I want to do. I don't like fit in at this school anymore. ughhhhhhhhh

I really just want like a boyfriend. Which is like a stupid thing to say but like, idk having someone I can just like cuddle and watch movies with at the end of the say is seriously needed right now.

I'm being so crazy right now. I'm binging and purging, crying all the time, skipping class, going on crazy homework binges, drinking til I can't stand, hooking up with random people. I know this isn't how I should be acting right now but I literally can't stop. ughhhh

high standards.

I hate myself. My body, how I look. Just everything.

But the funny thing is, I know I'm not ugly. I'm actually pretty good looking. I mean, I'm not just insanely sexy or anything like that, but I look kinda unique, and I'm told on a regular basis that I could model, besides the fact that I'm too heavy and my skin sucksss.

And I think it's that standard that constantly makes me unsatisfied with myself. Like, normal people don't sit there and be like I'm not gonna be happy until I look like a model. But since I'm told that the potential is there, I'm never gonna be happy with anything less than that. Who wouldn't want to be a model??? I would love it, it's not like I have any idea what I'm doing with my life anyway.

also, I had a slight confidence booster today, I bought a diet mountain dew at a gas station tonight and after I left the (pretty good looking) guy working there ran down the street after me to ask for my number. do boys know how much better they can make you feel about yourself????

Alcohol i love/hate you

I didn't eat all day, and then i had a drink and a couple shots, felt it wayyyyy more than I was expecting--i forgot that I hadn't eaten in 2 days....

anyway i ended up eating chicken nuggets and fries from mcdonalds

I"M SO MAD (and kinda drunk still)

I just want to fast for so long. Why can I not control myself for like more than a couple days. If I could just stop eating for a little bit I would love my fucking life.

I hung out with some pretty cool people though.

Everything is not how it seems

So I had this friend in high school. I was actually pretty close to her at the end of my senior year and before college. She stayed in our hometown for college as there's a pretty good university here, although she absolutely hates our town. She would always talk about how she wanted to leave, but never would.

So she lives at home and goes to college here while the rest of her like 3 friends (myself included) go to separate schools and really start to fit in there. She goes to class and that's all. Doesn't hang out with anyone, other than her one trashy friend who got married at 17 and lives in a trailer....Anyway, she develops an eating disorder, which she attributes to me because of my odd eating habits, body obsession, and she caught me purging once, even though she is naturally like disgustingly skinny. And she starts cutting. She goes to a therapist, ends up in a treatment center voluntarily for a couple of weeks, then goes back to school where she like completely attaches herself to her therapist. And then at the end of the year her therapist moved away and she's devastated because she's like obsessed with her.

She's also OBSESSED with Black Swan. Like, watches it everyday obsessed.

So I'm just super pissed at her. Like first of all, she was probably about 105 pounds to begin with and lost weight to get to 98 pounds. Like..okay it was really essential for you to get treatment for that. And she eats pretty much normally. Like honestly, if she has an eating disorder, I have one, and it's pretty severe. And then she goes and blames all of her problems on me!? Seriously one of my best friends doesn't talk to me anymore because he thinks I like turned her mental. This is not my fault. AND her family hates me. Like absolutely hatessss.

And I try to be her friend still, I really do. I'll make plans to hang out with her, and she'll cancel, cancel, cancel. And then boom wonder why I never hang out with her. She wishes she was knew people at her school, but will never hang out with them. I know more people who go to her school than she does. She'll ask me to bring her with next time I hang out at her school, and then wants to leave 15 min after we get there. When we actually hang out she leaves or makes me leave after about an hour.

She isolates and tortures herself, obviously, but it makes me sooo mad because she does it on purpose. We've talked about it. She wants people to see her as like a tortured soul or some shit like that. She like thinks beauty is pain. She idolizes her cousin who committed suicide, she seriously thinks it's the most beautiful and poetic thing ever. Obviously she's depressed, and on meds, but will only take the absolute minimum dose because she doesn't want to like be happy.

I know she really is sick, really I do. But she plays it up. She loves it. She wants everyone to know, to bend their lives around her, to feel sorry for her. She does it all on purpose.

The fact that she does this all on purpose makes me sooooooo fucking mad. Like, you know what I would do to just be normal. To never ever want to starve myself again or hate myself. To not cry myself to sleep at night. To not wonder if everyone is just talking to you out of pity or if they actually like you.

You know why I never leave the house without my makeup done, hair perfectly teased, every single nail manicured, wearing nice clothes, smiling at everyone I see? Why I go to every party I'm invited to and talk to everyone I meet? Why I'm almost never alone?

It's not because I'm superfuckingconfidantwoman.

UGHHHH!!!!!

boring...

So the past 2 days I haven't been eating much at all, like maybe 200 cals a day, which contributed to me being 161.2 this morning...like 7 pounds loss in 2 days. Which makes me soooo happy!! But then I was kinda forced to eat dinner today (pork, mashed potatoes and carrots) and also this giant ass cookie. soo idk how many calories that is. For sure less than how many I need a day but I'm still worried I'm gonna gain weight.

My parents also sprung on me that we're going to my aunts house on friday and saturday and my grandma's on sunday and then a whole day car ride home on monday....which is like 10 days I'm not gonna be able to get away with not eating much. I'm gonna be careful about what I eat, but I doubt I'll be able to get too much under 1000 a day. And since I'm trying to lose as much weight as possible before I got to school I'm planning on fasting or mostly fasting until friday and then again after monday.

I NEED TO BE UNDER 150 at the most by the time I go back to school. I would love to be even smaller. Like 140...I would be enthralled by my awesomeness.

Excited for Break!!

Okay so I'm not even in school this semester or working or any shit, so this Christmas break will be like any other day for me, the only difference being, all of my friends are home from school!!! I'm so effing excited.

Also, I know my last post sounded like I was a little mad/sad/idk what but I'm really not. I really think my life is looking up. I made up with 2 of my friends I hadn't been on speaking terms with for 4 and 7 months. One of them was the reason I joined my sorority too, so I took her coming to me and apologizing a sign that I should try to reinstate in my sorority, so I sent a letter to nationals asking them to reinstate my. I need a unanimous decision from the national council to get back in, so I'm super nervous, but it's out of my hands now.

Also today I weight 165.4, which is a huge difference from yesterday and idk how that works but I'm not gonna complain, any loss is good :)

New highest weight?

Okay so I just built up the courage to weigh myself....168.4

SERIOUSLY!? 2 years ago I wanted to die because I weighed myself out of nowhere one time and I was 140.

When I was 16 I was horrified to be 126

When I was 15 I was shorter, like 5'5 but my summer goal was to go from 112 to 105

Before that I never had a scale (my mom was worried we would develop eating disorders, ha) but there were always goals.

Size 0 jeans were baggy on my waist and tight on my legs, I hated my body.

At gymnastics I would walk by the mirrors and want to see my ribs through my leo, I did, but that didn't make up for my huge legs.

I was thin and muscular, but there was still fat, and because my muscles made me bigger anyway, no amount of fat was acceptable.

I made myself throw up my food for the first time when I was 9 years old because my mom complimented my sisters muscles. I didn't know what I was doing at the time. It just made me so upset that I was nauseous and I threw up. I mostly gave up purging by the time I was 14, although I still do from time to time if I get really upset, it's not usually about the food itself. But from there I found calories. And it became a game to see how few I could eat and how many I could burn. And then eventually I would just fall out of the habit and somehow convince myself that I'm happy with my body. I never have, I'm just more and more disgusted.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Obviously, I'm never successful, and ultimately just end up gaining more weight (and it's not because my metabolism is messed or anything, I seriously eat so much when I'm not dieting, I have such an all or nothing mindset). But I think I just need to focus on making the most out of everything. With my goal being to do better today than I did yesterday. If I slip up, I can't throw everything away with a binge. I will be happy with a weight loss, not mad because I'm not at my goal weight yet.

So I saw this picture on pinterest (obsessed btw) today and just, omg. That girl is perfect. I think she is just perfectly tan and I love her hair color and she is so thin!!

So basically this dumb (perfect) bitch just reminded myself of how I have not been taking care of myself lately. Seriously I'm probably pushing 165-170 which is the brink of overweight, my hair looks bad, my teeth are gross, I'm sooo pale, I NEVER work out.

So I start freaking out and counting down the days until I have to go back to school...and it's only 30 days!!! I hate myself for not doing anything to lose weight at all since like this summer. Idk what I have been thinking, omg.

So I suck at making plans of what to eat. Everytime I make some sort of plan I totally fail. So I'm gonna focus on the other things and hopefully by focusing on my appearance so much, I'll be able to stay on track with eating.

So everyday I'm gonna do
-teeth whitening 2x
-butt workouts 2x
-go tanning..I know it's bad, I don't care.
-actual cardio for 60+mins
-deep condition my hair
-take my vitamins (because they really do help my skin)

And I'm just gonna try to fast and restrict as much as possible.

Idk, I feel like I'm gonna need a lot of help to stay on track though. I'll probs check blogs every spare second I have lol which is good because I've been sooo bad lately.

I am just so disgusted with myself right now :(

My most obvious weakness:)

Oh my. Everything about this weekend was so intoxicated!!

Friday night I had a couple of glasses of wine before heading over to my old second home, the fratcastle of lambda chi for their legendary everclear tea. It's like everclear infused with fruit, it is sooo good, it tastes kinda alcohol-y, but not that much. After 6 solo cups of that, the rest of the night was a blur. But it included a lot of dancing, heart-to-hearts, and party hopping. I lost all of my besties but ended up with people I know, and finally sharing a bed in a dorm with this freshman girl who I want to join my (old) sorority soooo badly. She's totes adorbs!

Saturday night I drank a bottle and a half of champagne while playing drinking games at KA, before moving onto enough redbull and vodkas to blow through half a fifth of vodka while dancing at beta sig, and eventually drinking ATLEAST 10 mixed drinks at lambda chi. Although those 10 were spread out between the hours of 1am and 8am. Yep, stayed up drinking all night. We went outside for a smoke break and boom! all of the sudden it's light out. What theee hell!?

The best part? As drunk as I was, I did zero stupid things! No crying, no starting fights, no sluttiness, no drugs, no shit talking. Just perfect happy, talkative drunks both nights. Brilliant.

The bad part would be that all those drinks were probs like 23506892394 calories. I'm really really getting big. I'm afraid to weigh myself but I know I've gained a lot of weight. Blechhh.


Oh yeah, it was christmas party weekend. This is about halfway through my tea lol

Just me and my sister...

first of all, I'm finally home from my grandmas house annnd I'm sorry for not posting and commenting in forever.

But here's what's on my mind right now.

I have a younger sister, she's 17, less than 2 years younger than me, and probs my best friend. We are seriously the closest sisters I've ever seen in my life. We do everything together and get along crazyyyy well.

We have similar personalities, but there are some big differences. We're both outgoing but Alex is in a more goofy and hyper way, while I'm more chill and talkative.

Okay I was gonna name more things but I really can't now that I think of it. We're pretty much the same person except...idk how to say it.

Sometimes my sister is really...fake? She lovesss attention. And I don't blame her, I'm the same way. But she likes attention over things that aren't true a lot of the time. She's smoked weed like 3 times in her life and she likes people to think she's a stoner. She's drank like 5 times maybe and tweets about drinking every 2 seconds. She has never even kissed a guy but loves that she has a "slutty" reputation. And I know she's in high school and you want people to think you're badass or whatever then, but it is sooooooo annoying!!

ahh okay sorry about that rant. Now for the real rant.

My sister is seriously gorgeous. For realll just sooooo pretty. And she's about 5'7 and 115 pounds without even trying. But that's not even the worst part. Worst thing about all of this is, we look practically exactly the same. Except I'm fatter. I actually probs have the better body type, but I've never been able to actually show it because I'm such a fatass. Well, she also has perfff skin. Ughhh I just hate it sooo much!!!

But whatevs, I still love my little sister to death.

WHERE AM I

I'm in a hotel in St. Louis.

I'm taking a train to Chicago tomorrow, I'll be there for like 6 hours, and then I'm taking a train to Michigan.

My grandma just had major surgery so I'm going to help her out around the house for awhile...I'll make an actual post soon, promise!!