I'm back, but with a new blog!!

I've been having a hard time trying to blog lately, and I realized that it's because I didn't really like my current blog, so I've made a new one. This one is more focusing on my depression (and trying to get over it), bipolar, general not knowing what I'm doing with my lifeness. I'm still trying to lose weight, only in a slightly more healthy way, so I will still be posting about that. I know I've really fallen off the radar on here so IF you read this and you still want hear from me, please check out my new blog here! I'm currently trying follow everyone on there that I follow on here but if you realize that I'm not, just let me know! I hope everyone has been well and I look forward to catching up with everyone!

Can I tell you a story??

Let's go way way way back. I'm a skinny blonde eight year old at a tiny little gym in rural south dakota. I was on beam, and my coach assigned me to working on leaps. For those of you who have never been in gymnastics- the goal of a leap is to reach a 180+ degree split while in the air above a 4 inch wide beam. Let me tell you, that's a scary thing to do. If your foot comes down even an inch off, you end up "splitting the beam"...which is exactly what it sounds like and hurts like a mofo. So I'm a scared little 8 year old doing wimpy little leaps. It's not that I didn't have the flexibility or technique to do a better leap. And my leaps were alright so my coaches didn't push me to try any more. So I'm doing these pathetic little leaps over and over again, accomplishing absolutely nothing, when I mess up my landing and split the beam. I get up after the fall, in tears from the pain, scared to get back on the beam, and mad at myself for falling. Then I realized one of the most important things I have ever realized in my life. I realized, I'm going to fall on these little leaps occasionally, it's inevitable. I decided, if I'm going to fall anyway, why am I doing these tiny little leaps?? So I got back on the beam and from that point on, I stopped letting my fear hold me back. Yeah, I fell sometimes and yeah it scared me. But because of that, I became one of the best beam workers in the state, eventually earning honors on the regional and national level. I think I've let myself forget that lesson for awhile now, but I'm ready to embrace it again. You shouldn't do anything if you're not going to put your best effort into it, without fear.

update I guesss

So I'm home. I withdrew from school and shit.

Um I'm really just focusing on doing something positive in my life, and as I have no clue what I want other than my dream body, that's where all of my energy is going.

I'm in a much better mood, but not good enough to even want to think about my low points, so maybe I'll explain later, maybe I won't.

I'll post more later, and get myself updated on all of your guys lives. AND a big thank you to anyone who has commented on my last few posts, I love you all.




and I can't wait til summer <3

I think life is some kind of sick joke.

Like all I can think is this all must be some kind of a fucking joke.

I've finally realized something that was keeping me from being happy with a person, hours before moving away from that person forever.

My heart is broken and it's my own damn fault, and it has been for like a year and a half.

And I know, I know. It hurts now, and it will hurt less and less with time until finally one day I will hardly ever think about it. But just right now the pain and irony and cruelness of this all is overwhelming me.

please please help me

I don't even know what to say

-I'm failing all of my classes
-I mean, I don't even do anything all day
-I'm sooooo unhappy
-Friday is the last day to withdraw from school
-My parents have no idea about any of this
-I don't hang out with anyone that I used to
-Alex and I have been off and on all semester
-I love him
-He loves me
-He can't deal with my insecurities
-I can't deal with my insecurities
-But still.......we can't not be in each others lives
-last night I told him I'm dropping out of school and probably won't see him on a regular basis ever again
-he told me to come over and we stayed up til 6am talking and watching movies and avoiding real life
-I'm soooooooooooo sad
-I have no idea what to do with my life
-I have no idea what I even want with my life
-I can't work up the courage to tell anyone this

cheers to the freakin weekend :)

okay so I've had like the busiest week ever. Like doing 8 hours of homework everyday and still not finishing everything. And on top of that I've had a cold all week. So I am so glad tomorrow is friday.

but, I mean, I still have like 2 sections of calc homework and 4 online chem things to do. plus I'm retaking a calc test tomorrow morning at 7:15...ughhh so early!!!

okay so this guy who I like have a thing with...basically we just fuck. And it's amazing. Sometimes I'm afraid I actually like him, but then I remind myself he's a slut and that's all I am to him. Which makes me mad, and not want anything to do with him. But then I catch myself sending him the raunchiest texts ever and we're hooking up again. I swear I'm fine with it.

but then there's this other guy in his house who like knows about us obviously. He always texts me and talks to me and is just super nice. He asks me to come over and cuddle and watch a movie. And I always make up some excuse. Anyway he got mad at me the other day and was like I try so hard to just hang out with you, that other guy doesn't even care about you, he doesn't appreciate you like I do, you're better than the girl somebody just hooks up with, you know I think you're so pretty and funny but you'll always choose him over me.

I don't know what to think. I think I want a relationship, but then I don't. I don't knooooooow. I think I like my fuck buddy, but I know it doesn't mean anything. Do I drop that whole situation??I can't even decide how I feel, let alone how I feel. ugh

Okay one more thing, so I just started taking Yaz a couple weeks ago and it has really been suppressing my appetite so much. Like food just does not taste good and I get full really fast. I was reading some reviews on it and a lot of people said that happened to them too soooo jackpot I guess. I need to lose weightttt

yikes it's been awhile

My life has been hectic and dramatic.

I have so many ups and downs, I really could not tell you how I am just in general. At the moment, I'm good.

I got a 94% on my first chem test and a 46% on my first calc test. yikes.

I have been staying in during the week, though. So that's boring.

My roommate is driving me insane. She is super effing weird and annoying. Her voice makes me want to punch a baby.

My friends Kay and Jay got in a fight. Which was really awkward for me, like I would go out with Kay and Jay would call me and tell me to come to a party, but if I tried to show up with Kay, she would get us both kicked out. She was calling Kay a whore (which she's slept with like 1/10 of the guys that Jay has soooo....) and making her cry, trying to get her banned from fraternities. So I tried to talk to Jay and she got mad at me for choosing sides and tried to get me get kicked out of places too. SO, that friendship is over. She's done things like this before and to everyone else she's ever been friends with too. Everyone tells me I should drop her as a friend soooo I'm kinda feeling good about this.

ummmmmm I passed out in an elevator the other weekend. annnddddd ummm idk I haven't really done anything exciting I think. I feel like I have and I'm forgeting about it but idk

For those of you who have been following for like ever, I have to bring up an old, old, old topic. Alex.

Now that I'm back at school I've been seeing him around every now and then and I ran into him at a party on friday night and he starts talking to me and i'm like yikesssss and run to the bathroom. But he keeps talking to me and like following me around. and I keep avoiding him. soon he starts texting me being like can we please talk, I just want to talk to you. shit like that.

To make a longggg story short, I go with him, he tells me he wants to get back together, we hook up and I leave and then the next night I end up at his house again and he tells me the same things again and says he wants to take it slow and he wants me to trust him and shit. And I have no idea what I think about all this. Like, I was seriously completely over him. But he was like saying things like we can talk for hours and everything is just so easy with you, there's nothing forced at all. idk he's right and I'm afraid I won't find that again very easily and if I immediately just say no to this, I think I'll regret it, or like always wonder. So I think I'm just gonna give it some time. but if there's no spark again soon, I'm gonna be done with him for life.

Also, do you guys like Lana Del Rey?? I've been listening to her literally nonstop!! And she is super gorgeous!! Check her out!